living a double life

[SoraKat]

recent changes in my physical appearance have made it evident that society isn't andro-ready, and so, for the purposes of not starving, i've been taking to the streets, job hunting in guy mode. i feel both demeaned and like a super spy. since i haven't done s with my beard yet (laser, electro, other expensive things), i have a full beard shadow. its a pain in my a$$ when trying to pass, but i find in guy mode it only helps to hide my androgyny. i'm finding this a useful tool in job hunting, as heteronormative white male privilege seems to be a thing, but i really dont like the dysphoria, in addition to the sensation that i'm living a lie.

i also wanna make note of a subjective differentiation i experienced today. going out in full on guy mode (beard shadow, guy pants, guy top, no makeup, hat over hair) i was greeted more warmly by more people, given more additional information to inquiries, and even told where to look for work when the person speaking with me knew they weren't hiring. i cant say this happens when i go out dressed, even if i'm presenting andro and not necessarily one gender or the other.

anyone else experiment/have to deal when going out in public? notice any changes? what do you guys make of it? obviously one could cite discrimination, but i live in a place thats even known for its inclusiveness, and have yet to experience overt discrimination, although it cant be ruled out.

what are your experiences like?

[Deborah]

I am andro most of the time now and people end up gendering me female or not gendering me at all unless I have to show my old ID.

Either way, with or without ID, I feel like I get treated better than before.  People are more talkative and seem much friendlier.  This is in a place that is decidedly not inclusive at all.

I'm not entirely sure but it may be that I'm just not walking around with a perpetually hostile look on my face now like I used to.  I feel happy and comfortable and I think people respond to that.

I have only experienced discrimination once and even that one I'm not really sure about and may simply be misunderstanding the situation.

I did have to interview for a new job a few months ago and while I was in male mode I do have wildly inappropriate hair for a male in my profession.  I did get the job.  I knew the people though so I'm sure that outweighed whatever they thought about my looks at the time.

[Anne Blake]

My situation is a bit different than yours. Both my wife and I are retired and live in a smallish northern Colorado community. The town does not have a lot of diversity and it projects either anonymity or welcome. When I am out and about in male mode I somehow become invisible and only receive attention when I seek it, warm and friendly but minimal, you know, just another old man. When Anne goes out it is a bit of a different story. I am presenting as an older lady, usually dressed in a casual skirt and top, and for the most part either passing or warmly accepted. Many more people just openly talk with me or in some way chose to engage. My guy nature is to live in the background but that is not as easy as Anne. I believe that much of the difference in how the world relates to me is all about how I feel about who I am. With Anne, it is difficult to not express joy and tend to be received in a like manner. And, I am loving it.

Anne

[Lynne]

I'm kind of living a double life, male only at work and female otherwise most of the time.
I'm quite awkward as a guy, I couldn't really ever blend in and people could always notice that I'm somehow different. In the last 5-6 years I don't even want to blend in.
So strangely I'm more average as a woman and that shows in how people are much more comfortable around me when I'm out as female.
I can also attest to the sexism that is still present in our society. When I'm out as female people generally assume that I have no knowledge of anything technical. I receive a lot more unwanted help in gas stations, computer and DIY stores than when I'm trying to fake that I'm a guy.

[Michelle_P]

It's a strange thing, but when I'm out presenting as myself, I'm more open, both feel and look happier, and find myself engaging more with others as a result.

When I have to go out presenting as male, I'm very introverted, and the look on my face varies from "sad old man" to an outright scowl.  I suppose I don't like that presentation very much, and neither does anyone else.

I think we reflect our internal state in our expressions, and that in turn affects how others interact with us.