sitting here at my computer wondering if i should type this.. been so afraid to tell anyone at all, (sorry being PC isnt my best trait) terrified someone will chuck me in the 'looney bin' and toss away the key... but sitting here i realised i need to start somewhere.
bit of background
for years (decades really) i have been suppressing as much of myself and my emotions as i can (I remember watching STG TOS and saw Spock and thought that would be perfect and did my best to emulate him).. doing everything i could to "fit in".i began years ago disassociating my self from emotions and felt like an observer thru life.. observing, afraid to rock the boat.. to help others where i can (giving away items and money, that i couldn't aford but did because they needed it more than i did.)..every now and then anger would roar its head or i would have a mini melt down.
since around april/may when i stopped fighting myself and accepted who i am and started to change my life and innocently just accepted things will turn out a certain way.. even tho i hadn't really connected to my self and embraced all my emotions.. i began a slow process, i stayed at my sisters for a time getting back on my feet, but still get the walls in place and the flood gates closed..
then a month ago i got my own place and started being me.. little bits and first.. it became anoying at first when family would just pop around..living in two worlds sucks soo much.. i just want to tell my family and be done with it.. thing is i know my parents will do all they can to stop me, i feel positive they would take me to court to try to get the judge to rule that i am unable to make rational decisions and suffer from a mental illness and to give them power over me. (i am their only son [ they have 3 daughters] and can cary on the surname and my dad reminds of that everytime he sees me with my growning hair "you need a haircut, your my SON!")..so i havent told them yet.
back on track
this week has been the worse week i have had in years.. this last weekend i was really down in the dumps, and didnt eat sunday, monday after work i was so down.. i started listening to music and went to bed early, and cried for a long time, feeling desolate and totally unloved,broken and unknown (no one knows me)and cried myself to sleep. on Tuesday i grabbed the notes my therapist made and began reading them. didn't feel too much better, got my mind thinking tho.. Wednesday came and i went to my nephews birthday party.
Yesterday i worked in Melbourne CBd, and just seeing all those people and ladies and some i suspected to be like me (little clues we know to look for, i didn't stare just the usual street watching and glancing) and was amazed at transformations and wondering if there was half a chance i look a quarter as good when i start the transition (not on HRT just yet) even spoted a couple of ladies who were still transitioning (adams apple gave them away) but saw their confidence. then i got home and looked in the mirror and hated everything i saw and felt no way would i be that pretty.. to hell with my two promises (i have only ever made 3 in my life and try to honor all three) better just to end it.. no one will miss me that much and i would be forgotten and stop hurting those around me with my existence, to stop steeling someone elses oxygen, maybe those bullies had it right all along and i was simply too stupid to realize. and lets just say i was close, but something in me said no, this isnt the day and its not worth doing.. for some reason i decided to just go to bed.
and tonight i was in town again, and my depression is worse than last night, i cant stand to look at my face in the mirror.. and grabbed my notes and really read them and put the tools into play.. its helped a little.
i am totally unlovable, nobody really wants to know the real me, not my family and not those who are my 'friends'. some would say my parents love me, i would say only so much as they love the idea of a son. a lovely feather in their cap.. they have never taken the time to really see me, to understand me.. no i had to be a certain way, stop being 'soft' i even recall an incident where i was on the floor (something happened i cant recall, i think i fell) i remember having tears in my eyes and look at my Dad yelling "whats the matter with YOU!! ARE YOU GAY!! STOP CRYING!" he was so angry, ma y people in and out of school thought i was ( my parents hate the LBGT period its an anethma to my parents) i was more terrified than i can recall, my mom admonished him (please dont get me wrong, my Dad has never given me a hiding in my life, not one). do what was expected of me and follow their advice and pressure to do things.. even getting married 16years ago, i knew then getting married was the wrong thing to do. even now thats the case, the pressure is unreal. i even remember doing an IQ test (to see your vocation that best suits you and your IQ) at school in Republic of South Africa and my folks went and spoke to the tester and came back and i remember the grimm look and was like oh oh and asked how did i do? was told anything you want to do and your IQ is a fair bit above average.. i never believed them and secretly later i got tested again and sure enough my IQ was a fair bit above normal.. still why the grimm looks. i love my parents a great deal, and they did give me a steel spine, and a motto they told me and repeated a few times "there is nothing in this world to kill yourself over" the only child of theirs they gave that advise too, kind of wonder why just me.
and another one, i got asked out of the blue a year ago from my oldest sister (who faithfully tells my parents anything i tell her) "You grew up with 3 sisters, how come you arent gay?" that floored me, if there is one thing i am sure of is that.. i have experimented and know its not me and i have no problem with anyone in the LBGT what soever and very happy they have someone who loves them, naturally i didnt tell her that.. i just shrugged my sholders and said i am not.. and left it at that. an interesting side note tho, sometimes when she talks to others or me she calls me her sister sometimes.. she is corrected on her "grammer" mistake, i kind of feel happy inside...she has been doing that for years.. one other sister ocassionally.
i am so in the habit of doing things to please my family. even tho my sister has accepted me, when she sees me dressed i see how uncomfortable she is and now change to guy mode before she comes over to make her feel more at ease.. its just something i do..i am going to take her up on the offer of going to Katies (womens clothing store in Australia) and shop for jeans...
no body wants to see the real me, i am soo used to being hidden and who could possibly ever love an ugly me.. and truthfully i am worried that when i go to a meeting/s, nobody there would want to be friends with me when they see the real me.. i honestly have no idea how to be me in public, the moment i see people uncomfortable i try to be and do whatever it takes to be 'acceptable'. i would love to make friends and just be me, and to accept each other as we are.. to go shopping and learn the finer art of makeup and advice.. i dont know if thats even possible if anyone to ever be a real friend to the real me.
one of the ways i have survived is to retreat and live in books and in my imagination... i have read every single star trek book todate and now onto Christine feehans books.. i retreat in my mind. and with my emotions emerging and becoming a prt of my everyday life, the walls are down and the dam is bursting.. i understand more now than before.. its still hurts. i am terrified of telling my parents, i feel i may actually get my first hiding from my Dad....doubt it tho.
would i be sending the wrong impression to my therapist if i asked to start HRT? or do i just wait and see.. i dont want to mess my chances and its scarry opening up to someone.
