Hello, future friends!
I have come to the doorstep in order to say hello. I will admit to a certain amount of lurking prior to posting, enough that I see in my near future a post informing me of the general rules and regulations of this little digital home. I'll gladly receive them, and with thanks!
As for an introduction, I have been thinking about this topic, and it is a strange one to approach, I guess, although perhaps easier in the present company. It would be inaccurate to say that I stand here in my four inch heels because of a feeling of dysphoria, a feeling that I was given the wrong skin, or the wrong parts. I've actually always been quite comfortable with who I am, and I continue to be a generally happy (and physically male) soul. As with many things, for me, it seems somehow problematic to seek some sort of compelling or deeply rooted reason for such things.... There is a danger there, not in the things that we are, but in the tendency to perceive something that is different from the majority as, somehow, a failing or a departure that needs to be in some way justified.
I remember a conversation, long ago (I would add another long to that to emphasize my age, but I think this is one of the things that I really must stop doing when wearing these heels), with my mother. We were discussing my long hair, which I have had, essentially, all my life (since I was in charge of my haircuts, anyway, having come from conservative but loving roots). At the time, she was having trouble moving past my long hair as message- that somehow, I was growing my hair long to be rebellious, to speak against the appearances that surrounded me. I can remember so clearly thinking (introspectively searching and cross checking) that I really did want my hair long because I liked it. Not because it made someone else uncomfortable, not because I was thumbing my nose at those who knew and loved me and pulled the unfortunate card of needing to discipline me, but because, simply, I liked the way long hair looked on me (still do!).
I can also remember wrestling with that at the time, almost cutting my hair simply because it made my parents uncomfortable. And I am thankful to my younger self for standing his ground on that one. I learned then, and on many occasions since, if you have integrity, strength, and respect, and you treat yourself and others with those things, the great majority of times you will be rewarded with their return. Not always. There are some bad things and bad people out there, and one needs to be careful. But I have moved through many false initial perceptions into deep and rewarding friendships and interactions, and I hope to continue to do so.
And, I guess, if there is a surface based reason to be found for me and my "departure" into the world of high heels and skirts, it may lie somewhere in that world of perception. I enjoy challenging (without conflict) the perception of those around me. All of us (to some extent, certainly including myself) face the world with a whole host of preconceptions and prejudices. And, in fact, I don't think those are always negative things in themselves (they can help us navigate the world efficiently, and they can sometimes keep us from harm). But once we become too convinced of those things, once they become things that can't be changed or reexamined, then the learning stops and we become entrenched. And why (oh why) would anyone want the learning to stop? It is one of the great joys of being human.
So, I do have to admit that I love the illusion of it, the jarring of preconceived notions, the surprise of the unexpected. But I am still learning about why I have chosen this as an outlet. It would be easy, and true, to say that I have always had more than my share of some traits that society would call "feminine". Compassion. Lack of aggression. Sensitivity to others. But I can't say that I have ever felt those things to be female. Rather, they are human, part of who I am and hope always to be. And it is sad, I think, at some level, that our society does assign gender to so many things, when that assignation, in many cases, is purely a sociological construct. I think it probably causes more angst than it should, when a young sensitive boy is (intentionally or unintentionally) made to feel that something is amiss, when he may really just like being sensitive.
At any rate, I guess that is what we are here for, right? To speak, or be, or feel in ways that are our own, and to support others that do the same in constructive ways.
And besides, these heels look GOOD.
;-)
Muah!
-Kelsey
