Sex with lesbian girlfriend

[DaleCooper]

Hi everybody,
I'm new here, sorry for my English but I'm italian. Ok, so, I'm 28, came out of the closet as a lesbian at 22, but just using that word was always strange to me, even if I love girls. Until I came to realize the reason, and that is: I'm not a woman. This happened after I started, almost three years ago, to date my current girlfriend. She is amazing and let myself explore my sexuality, being who I really am. That process, once started, has been impossible to stop. I have discovered who I am and what I do like. I am still at the beginning of this self-discovery jpurney, and just now starting to consider to take hormones, even if I am scared as hell.
Anyway. Problem is: having sex. Even if I told her that I think I might be a trans male, she sometimes wants to take control in bed and do things the way she likes. And that's normal, but it makes me feel so much dysphoric. Yesterday we fought about it because she said that when we make love, she sometimes figures me as a man, and for most of the times is fine but sometimes she is almost disgusted by it. I am gutted. I do not know what to do, if staying together will be possible or we will have to face the truth. She is a lesbian and she will probably never be really attracted to me as a man.She is taller and bigger than me, more "masculine" than me in physical appearence and this as well makes me quite dysphoric, as in my head I want to be the big and protective man towards her but I end up just feeling extremely ridiculous. I also love to make love to her using a strap-on but she doesn't, and of course I cannot force her to do it but I cannot live all my life without doing it.
Has anyone lived something similar? Could you give me some advice? I am so depressed, I love her and I think this stuff will destroy our relationship, sooner or later. Thank you for reading, I needed to ask for help, I feel so lonely

[Jacqueline]

DaleCooper,

So sorry you are having these issues. Many of our community runs into similar problems. I am in the opposite situation. I have been lucky in how supportive my spouse has been since coming to my realizations but it was all through a lot of communications. Not everyone is as lucky as I have been and neither of us know if it really will work out if I fully transition.

All that said, I have not suggestions for you but to communicate. We have a large membership so I am sure you will get some advice from others.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[DaleCooper]

Thank you so much Joanna! I will read them carefully! Thanks for answering!!

[WolfNightV4X1]

Why not be a man who isnt the dominant in the relationship? That isnt really necessary to being a man, perhaps you can have the strapon and she can still top you with it? Theres no need to follow traditional gender roles, so theres no need to be dysphoric about being the smaller man in the relationship, so long as youre acknowledged to be a man...hopefully she would not be too disgusted or put off by this and maybe she can love you for who yoy are and you can continue to love each other.

[DaleCooper]

Thank you so much for your answer! It is not about gender roles actually, I am very dominant by nature.

[SadieBlake]

I feel you're conflating some gender identity / sexuality preferences - which is fine, most of us do. If you and she don't have the same objectives in sex then you may not make the best sex partners for each other.

[Edit] I would add that when you're in a time of change, getting stuck in conflict on what each of you need is most likely to just make things worse. Try working on one thing at a time and clear communication, see a therapist if you think that could help.

[November Fox]

I think it´s important that you do what feels good for you. I don´t think you´re conflating gender identity and sexual preferences actually. Some of us feel more dominant and some of us don´t, and some of us are flexible

If what she wants to do makes you feel dysphoric and you don´t really want to do it, then my advice would be don´t do that. You offered an alternative and she said she wasn´t interested. Have you offered any more alternatives? Are there things you both like equally?

If not, I´m not sure that this would be a great partner to be intimate with. That´s my perspective.

[mac1]

In your current rolls: what does she do to please you and what do you do to please her? In what ways can you adapt those behaviors for mutual satisfaction as you transition?

[DaleCooper]

Thank you all for the answers!!
For Sadie:I probably do not explain myself really great (sorry for that) but I it's not actually about sexual preference. I do not feel comfortable in having sex with my body parts, while she actually loves them and treats them as female body parts.
For NovemberFox: I will try to offer alternatives, but my main problem is that since I know that she is a lesbian and loves my body because it is the one of a biological female, and she loves to have sex with women, I cannot be completely myself because I am really afraid to disgust her or to seem ridiculous in her eyes I checked your blog, will read it, seem i will be helpful for me! Thanks!
Mac1: I think she is trying to please me but of course she has her preferences and I cannot force her not to act as she prefer, even if it makes me feel disphoric, because I would feel too selfish and I am afraid she won't be satisfied with me>

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your girlfriend about actions in bed that trigger your dysphoria and what that means. If you keep having sex in a way that makes you dysphoric it could lead to sexual dysfunction as the anxiety becomes too great to bear.

[SadieBlake]

OP I was really replying about the top/bottom roles as you described the interaction.

About gender identity and orientation, yeah you're more or mess between a rock and a hard place. If you're dysphoric about the gender characteristics of your body then sex can be just difficult.

My experience with my SO is very much about she's attracted to my male characteristics and it's always been dysphoric for me e.g. she likes to hold my shoulders and having large, masculine shoulders I appreciate that attraction and I also hate when she does it.