It is just getting harder

[TX16]

Wow, the weekend, and the start of today have brought A LOT for me to come and dump on the forums. I don't have anywhere else to talk about them (for now), so this could get long. Kudos if you read it all.

First we will start with what has been happening to me, and I finally pin pointed it on Friday. My husband is not accepting of me being trans. I came out once, he refused to listen, threatened divorce, etc. So I went back in the closet. Things have been a bit tense, like we are both trying to ignore the elephant in the room. He works and goes to college from 9 to 5 most days, with two days going in at 9:30 till 5:30. My kids go to school way early, and don't come home until 3:15ish, and are still too young to see what I am doing on the internet anyway.

I am a stay at home parent, have been for the past six years. So with my freetime, I come here. I open up a private browser (my husband has been known to look at my history on my computer) and I log into Susan's, and I go to my Trent facebook account, and sometimes I will write a new blog entry into my blog about what I am going through. It is all very freeing. I feel like I can be myself when no one is here, and it is great.

Then Friday comes, and the evening comes, and my husband is home. He is home until Monday when he goes back. I can't get on-line and go to my other FB, or come here, can't write a blog, can't FEEL or act like Trent. I am stuck as the fake person I've been for the past 29 years.

Two times prior to this Friday, I've had panic attacks over the weekends. I couldn't figure out why, until last Friday. I started to have one, feeling like I was drowning, being crushed under the heavy weight of the water. Then it hit me. I am freaking out, because I know that the weekends means no me. I can't be me, I am stuck, I have no choice but to act feminine, and not do research, not talk, not write, anything about what I am going through. That is incredibly hard too, because it is always on my mind.

So now I know these panic attacks are happening because of that. Which isn't good.

On top of that, I am having trouble sleeping. I used to fall asleep easily, now I take hours to fall asleep. If I am lucky, then nothing wakes me, and I sleep all night. That isn't usually the case though. My kids wake me, my need to go to the restroom wakes me, my husband wakes me, a headache wakes me. All kinds of things make me wake up, and then I spend hours trying to get back to sleep again. I can't sleep, because I am stressed. To the max! I think my stress might be interfering with my weight loss. I've been exercising, eating right, and drinking the proper amounts of water for three weeks now, and haven't dropped a single pound. In the past, when I would start drinking water properly, I would at least lose water weight. But now? Nothing.

This is taking a really bad physical and mental toll on me, and I don't know what to do. Telling my husband just isn't an option. I mean it is, but it is a bad option. He brings in the money. I depend on him. My mother is worried that he will act irrationally and leave me and our kids. I can't afford this house on my own, even if I got a dead end job. I wouldn't make enough to pay for this place, or any other place around here that wouldn't be horrible for my kids to grow up in. Some of you might have seen my post about going back to college, so I can't actually stand on my own and take care of my kids on my own in case that happens, but if I tell him before I get into college, and he leaves, that will never happen.

It is getting harder though, to not tell him. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

[becky.rw]

Panic is a self-reinforcing feedback loop.   Whether its justified or not; to act rationally, you have to step outside the loop and break it.

Have you tried fishing?      Seriously, no joke.   Any ole bayou, creek, or pond could do; patiently watching that annoying bobber, or trying to feel a gentle tug on the line as you bump a plastic worm along the bottom; or the frustration of having to concentrate and do the motion to cast a fly (or untangle the line after making a mess, or retying a tippet that's frayed or knotted..

Would your husband really say on some Saturday, "thou shalt not go fishing!"; kinda doubt it...   

Just something that's worked for me in the past.
I suck at the fish catching part, btw...

[TX16]

I might need to try that, Becky. Something to calm me down, something to keep my mind busy. Nothing else has really worked so far. I haven't been fishing since I was a kid, but it does look calming.

[FTMax]

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through all of this, but at least you've figured out what's causing it. You can't fix things until you understand what's causing them, so at least you've gotten to that part!

It is certainly tough to have to go days keeping secrets like this and not being able to express yourself openly. Is there anyone you already know that you could speak to over the weekend about this stuff? You mentioned your mother was worried about him leaving, so I assume she knows? Would she be open to letting you vent over dinner on a Saturday if she's close by?

You didn't explicitly mention it, but I assume you're using separate Facebook accounts. If mom isn't local or isn't available on the weekends, you could maybe consider adding some trans folks to your friends list on your non-Trent account. That way you'd have folks to talk to, but wouldn't have to log in to your Trent account. You'd probably want to find some stealthy or pre-everything folks. I don't know how your husband would feel about you having some new random dude friends or if he would even notice. You're welcome to add me on either account if you think that would help. I'm generally reachable via FB messenger on the weekends, my FB is super private so he wouldn't be able to see anything even if he did notice we were friends, and I rarely post transition-related things because I'm mostly done at this point. I'm sure there are some other guys here that wouldn't mind either.

Stress definitely has an effect on both weight loss and sleep, unfortunately. I would not be surprised in the slightest if it was negatively impacting both of those things for you. There are a lot of non-habit forming sleep aids out there now, and that may be the next step if exercise isn't helping. I don't know if you have CVS where you are, but the generic brand by them is very inexpensive and works well.

As far as your last point - and I don't mean to put you in a bad place emotionally by asking this, but what do you feel you gain by not telling him? I understand being financially dependent and children and whatnot, but those things aside it doesn't seem like you are very happy, and neither is he in this standstill that you guys are currently at. From the sounds of his reaction to your first coming out, it does not sound like this relationship would continue if you were to transition. Though you haven't outright said it, I think mentally you've come to that conclusion as well.

I'd say have a few therapy sessions and let the therapist know that your biggest hurdle in transition is not figuring out whether or not you are trans, but figuring out how to navigate your transition in light of your marital situation. Ask specifically if your therapist would be open to doing a session with both of you so that you could come out in a safe space. I think if you're planning to eventually come out to him, that this would be the optimal way to do it.

And know that there are a lot of legal systems and other support programs in place to help people in your position. I'm happy to go into detail about what (little) I know about them if it would help ease your mind.

Ultimately, I think going back to school is a good move. Finding some kind of employment is also a step in the right direction. You'd have to be really sneaky about doing it because I'm sure it would set off big alarm bells, but I think crunching the numbers and seeing what kind of money you'd need to have coming in to maintain your life would also be a good move just so you have an idea. The benefit of school in this case is that oftentimes they'll allow you to take out excess student loans to cover living expenses. That is how I paid for rent, food, and gas in grad school. You'd need to stick to a budget though to avoid running out of money before your next financial aid disbursement. You don't have to pay them back until 6-9 months after you graduate which is more than enough time to find a decent job.

[TX16]

It is certainly tough to have to go days keeping secrets like this and not being able to express yourself openly. Is there anyone you already know that you could speak to over the weekend about this stuff? You mentioned your mother was worried about him leaving, so I assume she knows? Would she be open to letting you vent over dinner on a Saturday if she's close by?

My mother, sister, father, and my best friend all know at this point. They all live out of state from me though, so I can only talk to them via Facebook or phone calls, and the husband hardly ever leaves the house on the weekends, so talking about that on the phone is impossible.

You didn't explicitly mention it, but I assume you're using separate Facebook accounts. If mom isn't local or isn't available on the weekends, you could maybe consider adding some trans folks to your friends list on your non-Trent account. That way you'd have folks to talk to, but wouldn't have to log in to your Trent account. You'd probably want to find some stealthy or pre-everything folks. I don't know how your husband would feel about you having some new random dude friends or if he would even notice. You're welcome to add me on either account if you think that would help. I'm generally reachable via FB messenger on the weekends, my FB is super private so he wouldn't be able to see anything even if he did notice we were friends, and I rarely post transition-related things because I'm mostly done at this point. I'm sure there are some other guys here that wouldn't mind either.

That is such a nice thing for you offer. I wish I could take that offer, but my husband is incredibly nosy, and checks my facebook messages often. I haven't seen him do in a while, but he does stay up later than I do, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing that at night.

Stress definitely has an effect on both weight loss and sleep, unfortunately. I would not be surprised in the slightest if it was negatively impacting both of those things for you. There are a lot of non-habit forming sleep aids out there now, and that may be the next step if exercise isn't helping. I don't know if you have CVS where you are, but the generic brand by them is very inexpensive and works well.

I was using melatonin for a bit, but have run out. Really need to get some more, because sleep is getting harder and harder.

As far as your last point - and I don't mean to put you in a bad place emotionally by asking this, but what do you feel you gain by not telling him? I understand being financially dependent and children and whatnot, but those things aside it doesn't seem like you are very happy, and neither is he in this standstill that you guys are currently at. From the sounds of his reaction to your first coming out, it does not sound like this relationship would continue if you were to transition. Though you haven't outright said it, I think mentally you've come to that conclusion as well.

I don't think I gain much at all. I am very sure that he is going to leave. I am holding out some hope, but I just don't know. Maybe he will surprise me. I am mostly just worried about the tension. Like, it isn't so much me coming out anymore, it is now, what is he going to do. I hate tension, and I am afraid there is going to happen. Silly thing to worry about there.

I'd say have a few therapy sessions and let the therapist know that your biggest hurdle in transition is not figuring out whether or not you are trans, but figuring out how to navigate your transition in light of your marital situation. Ask specifically if your therapist would be open to doing a session with both of you so that you could come out in a safe space. I think if you're planning to eventually come out to him, that this would be the optimal way to do it.

I originally thought of this too, but I don't think he would do very well with me coming out to him in front of others. At this time, I have a letter I have written to him, and plan to print out or e-mail his way.

And know that there are a lot of legal systems and other support programs in place to help people in your position. I'm happy to go into detail about what (little) I know about them if it would help ease your mind.

Any informaiton you could give me on this, would be super helpful!

Ultimately, I think going back to school is a good move. Finding some kind of employment is also a step in the right direction. You'd have to be really sneaky about doing it because I'm sure it would set off big alarm bells, but I think crunching the numbers and seeing what kind of money you'd need to have coming in to maintain your life would also be a good move just so you have an idea. The benefit of school in this case is that oftentimes they'll allow you to take out excess student loans to cover living expenses. That is how I paid for rent, food, and gas in grad school. You'd need to stick to a budget though to avoid running out of money before your next financial aid disbursement. You don't have to pay them back until 6-9 months after you graduate which is more than enough time to find a decent job.

Yeah I have thought of that. I really want to try and make it to January, but I am worried about how much this is taking a toll on me. I woke up today, feeling much better than yesterday, but I am worried about it happening again. I was really really planning on telling him this weekend with the way I was feeling yesterday, but now I don't know.

I wonder if I should share my letter to him with everyone here. I worry it isn't good enough, or goes in circles.

[FTMax]

I think coming out letters are a good idea! That is how I had originally planned to come out to my parents. I didn't share mine here, but did send it off to a few friends. You're more than welcome to post it here

[TX16]

I read it to my mother, but she isn't that helpful. She... is on my side, but is still coming to terms with all of this. She isn't really ready to believe it all. She keeps telling me how she hopes I will just wake up and not feel this way. So here it is, omitted names.


"Husband's name, please read all of this, it might be long.


So the time has come for me to send this letter. I originally started this letter back on September 6th, but I am now revising it on September 20th. I have read my other letter over and over again, and realize now that I am talking in circles on my letter, and trying to get you to believe me. I know you aren't going to believe, and it isn't my job to make you believe me. It is my job to tell you. Nothing else.

So for the past month, I have been very depressed. Far more depressed than I have ever been before in my life. You might have noticed, I don't know. I sometimes feel like you know something is up, but I am not 100% sure on that. At times I wished you would stumble across something and realize it. You didn't, at least at the time of writing this. I've done my best to hide my depression. Every single day that you have gone to work, I spend at home living a double life. I never really wanted to live a double life, but that is the circumstance I found myself in. Living a lie. You see, as I told you once before already, I am transgender. I told you this before, but you didn't believe me, you accused me of many things, and so I put myself in the closet.

I tried, for weeks, to ignore the feelings. I really did. I've spent so many years of my life trying to ignore the weird feelings I had. Except this time, the internet proved to be my playground. I did research, I talked to others, and all of the various red flags in my life turned into dots, and they all connected. The final missing puzzle piece was placed into my life and everything ramped up. All of my attempts to ignore it, only made it roar louder. I've spent weeks silently screaming. I am not being dramatic with that, I have gotten so angry with this, that I silently scream through the house to release some of my anger. I've gotten so upset and sad over this that I have cried until my eyes were left puffy and red for the rest of the day. Just the other day I had the worst panic attack of my life, it sent me into a state of hyperventilating and I nearly passed out.

I have been having panic attacks and crushing depression when you come home on the weekends. Why? Because I can't be me. You see I go to these trans forums during the week days, and I get support and help there. I am Trent on there, and everyone refers to me the way I want. It has helped. Then the weekends come, and I can't chance going to those forums, and I feel disconnected.  I often feel like I am drowning on the weekends, the world crushing me beneath its heel.

The time has come for me to get it out. I can't keep going like this. It is physically hurting me to suppress it, to try and ignore it. I have tried so hard, for you, for my mother, our kids. I can't do it. If I could make it go away, then I would. I don't want this. I know you think it is me trying to get attention, and all I can do is laugh at that. I don't know what kind of attention you think I am going to get from this. All I see is negativity. I am going to lose friends and family, and probably lose you, but yeah, I am totally doing it for attention. No, I am really not. I can't stress enough how much I wish I wasn't this way, and that I could just ignore it and go on with my life. I can't though. This is it.

I know you don't understand, and never will. My mother doesn't understand either. My therapist isn't going to really understand. The only people that can really understand is the trans community. I am not asking you to understand. I am not asking you to accept IT, I am asking you to accept me.

I am still the same person. No, that is a lie. I will be a better person. Trent is that better person. More confident, less depressed, less anxious, happier. Willing to finally get my life on track. Realizing who I am, finding me, is big. It was enough to make me understand that I need to take control of my life. A job, a college degree, a career, losing weight, all of these changes and ideas have come from me finding who I am. Where before I couldn't motivate myself to do any of this, now I can.

So, here we are, me telling you. I am telling you because I have to. The depression has gotten too bad. The weight of my secrets is crushing me. You have to know, and I have to live freely as Trent, as a man, or I don't know how much longer I can go on. I am sorry. I really really am. I can't stress that enough to you. I wish I could be the woman you love, the woman you married, but I can't. I found me, and I have to let ME out.

This path isn't easy. It is the hardest path I will ever walk in my entire life, but I am hoping to be strong enough to do it. That alone should tell you how committed I am to this. You know me, I always take the path of least resistance. This path is not that path. It is hard! Losing friends, family, you, having to see a therapist, get on T, lose weight, save money for top surgery, get a job, go to college, get a degree, get a career in my chosen field. I am changing so much about my life. Just about everything, and is it not an easy path.

Please understand that I still love you. I am not doing this to hurt you. I am doing this because I have to finally put myself first. I have been putting it off for so long, because I don't want to hurt you, but now I have no choice, because my mental health is suffering. My physical health is suffering. I am so stressed out that I can't even lose weight, despite my attempts.

Now, I am not going to listen to you coming at me with anger, or accusations. Leave those at the door. If you need time to calm down before you talk to me, then that is fine. We will need to talk. Talk about your choices, and where we go from here. Nothing you say is going to change this though. I have made up my mind, so I can better myself. As cruel as this might sound, it is my life, not yours. You are affected, I know. This is not just my transition, but yours as well. How you transition with me is up to you. Just don't come to me with anger and accusations. If you do, then I will mentally check out and just let you rage. I understand being angry, I am angry too. I understand you wanting to get that anger out, but you aren't going to give me that anger.

We will talk when you are ready.  I am trying to get a job so that I can make my own money. I do not expect you to support me financially. Yes to our kids, no to me. If I can't get a job, well, I am going to college in Jan so I can better provide for myself.

That's it. There is no more. It is all out there. If you ever wish to try and learn about this, or wish to hear about all my red flags so that you might finally start believing me, then let me know. I also recommend that you go to Susans.org

It is a fantastic site, and has a significant other section where you can talk to others going through what you are going through. Or just read others experiences.


I love you."

[EmberWolfe]

I really like the letter. Reminds me of the one I wrote two years ago. Hope it goes better for you.
I'm sorry that you have such opposition in front of you.
Are you going to send it today?

[TX16]

I haven't decided yet when I am going to send it. I am thinking maybe the weekend. Sometimes he goes to "game night" with his friends and is out of the house all night long. I kind of don't want to be awake, or in the house, when he reads it. So I am probably going to ask him if he is going to game night, and then play it by ear.

[FTMax]

I think it's good! The one critique I have - people outside the community often don't know jargon like T or top surgery, so you may want to rephrase those so that they don't require a google search.

[TX16]

I think it's good! The one critique I have - people outside the community often don't know jargon like T or top surgery, so you may want to rephrase those so that they don't require a google search.

Thank you! And very good point, I will go and change those two things now.

[Kylo]

Two times prior to this Friday, I've had panic attacks over the weekends. I couldn't figure out why, until last Friday. I started to have one, feeling like I was drowning, being crushed under the heavy weight of the water. Then it hit me. I am freaking out, because I know that the weekends means no me. I can't be me, I am stuck, I have no choice but to act feminine, and not do research, not talk, not write, anything about what I am going through. That is incredibly hard too, because it is always on my mind.

Do you have to act "feminine" around him or other people? Have you tried just being yourself and seeing if anyone even notices? Nobody - and I mean nobody - batted an eye lid at me for 35 years not acting feminine ever. I realize that others have family obligations and perhaps they have tried to compensate in ways I didn't, but why not just be yourself and see. I don't mean talk about being trans with him or look up trans info in his immediate presence, but just speak how you want and dress how you want in an everyday sort of way and see if anyone even cares. If you know you don't have to "act like a woman" but can pretty much go around being yourself as you are inside it might take some of the feeling of pressure off.

It sounds like you need to establish some personal space for yourself. An environment without a bit of personal privacy isn't healthy. If he has said one of his ground rules is no transition, then some of your ground rules for the time being should be that you get some space and time for yourself.

[TX16]

Do you have to act "feminine" around him or other people? Have you tried just being yourself and seeing if anyone even notices? Nobody - and I mean nobody - batted an eye lid at me for 35 years not acting feminine ever. I realize that others have family obligations and perhaps they have tried to compensate in ways I didn't, but why not just be yourself and see. I don't mean talk about being trans with him or look up trans info in his immediate presence, but just speak how you want and dress how you want in an everyday sort of way and see if anyone even cares. If you know you don't have to "act like a woman" but can pretty much go around being yourself as you are inside it might take some of the feeling of pressure off.

It sounds like you need to establish some personal space for yourself. An environment without a bit of personal privacy isn't healthy. If he has said one of his ground rules is no transition, then some of your ground rules for the time being should be that you get some space and time for yourself.

No, I don't have to act feminine. I haven't in our entire relationship. Through these 7 years though, he has made constant comments about it. "You should put on some make up. You should do your hair." etc. Just the other day, since cutting my hair off into a very masculine hairstyle he pointed out that I look too masculine and should start wearing feminine attire to make up for it.

Really, it feels like the elephant in the room by now. I feel like he should definitely know something is up, but maybe he is too involved in his own things. I don't know.

[Kylo]

Whether there's something up or not it kind of really is your choice what kind of haircut you want, or whether or not you wear make-up. If you haven't much done these things in your whole relationship, and if he thinks it's very important, why he would enter into a longterm relationship in the first place if you were not feminine enough for him...? Maybe they are just offhand comments or suggestions from him rather than nagging or demands.

In my relationship my SO sometimes made a few offhand comments about long hair, I only found out recently that he has a bit of a problem with me having short hair - but not because he has a problem with short hair, it's because he knows. He knows it's a step closer to the dreaded male in his eyes. I know he's had a thing for women with short hair in his life before so it's not me having short hair, it's him trying to suggest I do something, anything to not present him with the image of something more male than female. If he'd known nothing at all and I'd cut it, I've a strong suspicion he'd not say a thing. But then again I know he does have a preference for longer hair. When he does say it he's hoping I grow it long because he likes it. But he also knows I'll do whatever I want with it anyways... he can no more tell me what to do with it than I could order him to grow his long. So it's possible if you've heard more comments about your appearance lately than not it's for the same reason, and he's trying - consciously or not - to get you to move to the feminine end of the scale, even if you've never done it before.

I think you should continue to wear you hair how you want and dress how you want. If I was married or had kids and was in your situation I'd still be expecting a measure of freedom to express myself without my spouse dictating to me.

[Asche]

... They all live out of state from me though, so I can only talk to them via Facebook or phone calls, and the husband hardly ever leaves the house on the weekends, so talking about that on the phone is impossible.

...

... my husband is incredibly nosy, and checks my facebook messages often. I haven't seen him do in a while, but he does stay up later than I do, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing that at night.

This sounds scary.  I may be overreacting, but it sounds like abuser behavior to me, or at least controlling behavior.  It wouldn't surprise me if the panic attacks are as much about feeling controlled and trapped as about gender dysphoria.

It wasn't clear to me whether you are currently seeing a therapist, but the controlling behavior is definitely something to bring up.  Make sure it's clear that the therapist is to say nothing to your husband.  Also, if there's any chance he'll leave, I'd see an attorney about protecting yourself.  Make sure your husband doesn't know.  FWIW, when I was thinking of getting a divorce, I got a P.O. box for any divorce correspondence.