Very confused about what to do with my self. Hormones, surgery...nothing?

[Cire]

Hello,

I've felt like I've been in the wrong body for a long time. I'm a very emotionally stable person with a good life. I have no disorders.

I've wanted for a long time to be female, but I know how much it costs, I want to have children, and I want to look good. I really really don't want to look like a guy with boobs. My hands are big, I'm 5'9", I have a large chest, my bones are large....I'm handsome. I can pull off the androgynous look if I have just the right clothing, but I'm very concerned.

I really want to take action with hormones before I get any older (22years), and I wanted to know, what would happen to my body/look if I tried to take as much hormones as I could without sterilizing myself? I don't know how far I could go, but I couldn't imagine not having children, I love them so much. I'm not sure if I trust leaving sperm deposits, what if something happens?

Thanks for reading.

[Omika]

Unfortunately, there's not much of an option in this area as far as just going "a little bit" - hormones aren't something that they just hand out like candy in whatever dose you please.

I'm really not going to say much else.  What I will say is that the first thing you need to do is hunt down a therapist in your area, or near it, that has experience counseling people with gender-identity disorder.  Use the internet, it's how I found mine.  I live in a conservative part of California and thought I'd be out of luck, but she happens to be one of the best in the country and she's practically in my backyard.

You're the same age I was when I was saying the exact same things, and once I got over it all, realized I was TS and desocialized myself (took about a year of solid mental effort) my perception on it all has changed immensely.  I don't regret a thing, and life just keeps getting better.

This should help.  Get a therapist you can trust, and very soon.

~ BB

[Sarah Louise]

I think you should try to find a therapist, first.

You can not control how your body will react to hormones, and you should have a doctors prescription for them so you can be monitored.

Proceed with caution.

Sarah L.

[Kate]

Hiya Cire!

The specifics of those medical questions are best left to a doctor. There's a process to go through to get HRT, including finding a therapist, having him or her write a letter recommending you for HRT, then finding a doctor to monitor and prescribe your regimen. That doctor would be the best person to determine your actual medical options.

That being said, I get where you're coming from. Losing any chance for biological children is a painful cost many of us have paid in order to transition. Sperm banking is probably your best bet, but it's not a guarantee as you said, and the entire process becomes incredibly expensive. I went through this too, but as badly as I want a child, I just couldn't put my transition on hold any longer. I figure I'll adopt at some point in the near future.

And keep in mind that women come in all shapes and sizes. EVERYone worries that they'll never pass - or even look reasonably feminine - in the beginning, it just seems SO impossible. But given time, many if not most do. But it's a long road to travel.

And hey, if you're up for it, we'd love to hear about your background and story if you'd like to post in the Introductions section?

And be sure to check out the Site Terms of Service and rules to live by

Welcome!

~Kate~

[LostInTime]

A therapist is definitely needed. It is amazing how much stuff comes up and can be sorted out during that process. If you do decide that you are TS and go for hormones, an endoc can try to work with you so that you might keep some functionality. YMMV

As for looks. I am taller. I used to bench mid 300s. I pass better than I had ever imagined. Genetics are a key factor and that has helped me out. Again, YMMV.

[Cire]

First of all, I thank all of you for taking the time to reply to me.

I've been seeing a therapist, but he's been useless. He's pretty much determined that I'm psychologically healthy, and well aware of what I feel and want to do. I'm continuing to talk with him in the hope that he'll say something insightful, and provide me with an OK for hormones after 90 days with him. (coming up soon)

I'd like to find a specialist, that does sound like a good idea. I do not want to self medicate, I'm aware of the dangers. I do have a triad of drugs and a dosing schedule worked out for myself, and have done all of the research I can over the internet about side effects (and have done insurance checks and pricing).

How much would a specialist cost? This is very important to me, but I just don't have much money.

Thank you again, I feel so much better having the chance to talk about this. I feel so frustrated all the time and want to cry often.

[Omika]

Oh hon, I know how you feel.  It's a sickening feeling - being trapped inside yourself.  If that's how you feel, anyways.  It made me want to cry all the time as well.

A specialist shouldn't cost any more than a normal therapist.  In fact, sometimes less if you don't have insurance.  My therapist charges me $95 per session.  Numbers may vary though.  I don't know.  I was hardly making any money at all (was working less than full time for minimum wage) but I cut every cost possible, including my car, and made room for necessities like therapy.

Last semester was the roughest of my life, but I lived somehow.  Now it's pretty much the smoothest sailing imaginable.  None of this is going to be easy, but you have to take those first steps and find yourself the best care you can.  You need understanding.

~ BB

[cindianna_jones]

Cire,

It sounds like you are just getting into this.  Get out.  Go back to a normal life.  Stay away from online trans sites.  Get it out of your mind.  Don't get married until you get this under control. No matter what, don't have children either.

Once you start down this path you may be swallowed by it.  For many of us it takes everything we can make, it destroys our families, and we lose every friend we've ever had.

We become third class citizens.  We are singled out by our self righteous society.  We face discrimination for the rest of our lives.  We live in fear that we'll be found out, beaten up, or killed. 

Get out of this if you can.

Cindi

[Lori]

Cire, the first battle you need to face is with yourself. As strange as that may sound, until you figure out, face, accept, or deal with whatever it is whithin you, your will be going in circles until it is resolved. I'm still fighting that battle within myself after 39 years, even after 5 mos of hrt as well. I hold onto hope and that small fire way down deep in the pit of my body just under my heart that I'm doing the right thing. One thing I can say is if there is any doubt, then run away as fast as you can. This is not a game. Only you know if it is for real.

Hrt can change many things, but it will not change bone structure after puberty. Most of your upper mass is muscle and that will be lost giving you a more feminine appearence usually. Nobody can say what it will do for you. I've seen some TS that have been on HRT for 5 years and I can only shake my head and think "You have got to be kidding. If you cut your hair and grew a beard you would be a man!!" Others turn completely into women and you wouldnt know the difference. Genetics, age, perhaps even luck will determine how you do.

Before you start, you had better know what you are doing and what the long term ramifications are. Its for life. Do you really want to live as a woman? Think about the daily life of a typical woman. Its not easy...lugging around a purse everywhere, always being scrutinized for clothes, hair, makeup, weight, body, skin complexion, shoes and so on and so forth. You may be treated nicely but your words have little to no value around men. They don't care what you have to say as long as you have big tits.

You may want to reconsider having kids as well and the long term effects it will have on you and them. They have to go through transition with you as well. Then you may end up paying childsupport on a typical woman's wages wich barely pays enough to survive on in the first place. Unless you just cannot take living as a male any longer, then run away.

I hated looking in the mirror at myself and could not stand that ugly horrid looking body and face one more day. It was either eat a bullet or try something radical and just try to transition. From what little you have written, I'd say you are more curious than anything else.

[Cire]

Thank you all for your warnings. I understand this is a huge issue. I've been trying to convince myself for 7 years that I can live as I am right now. I know it would be so much easier. I'd like to be happy with how I am, it'd be much more simple and less painful. I guess I should look for more ways to get help, I just can't make myself believe that I can be happy how I am.

I wasn't sure how to post in introductions, I just have a long sob story from childhood and I don't want to sound like a drama queen trying to get attention.

[Kate]

I've been trying to convince myself for 7 years that I can live as I am right now. I know it would be so much easier.

Not necessarily. Transitioning can be a terribly traumatic experience, but the end result can be a wonderful life free of all this angst, where you can just LIVE again. Breath easy. Deal with the usual life problems without this cloud haunting you 24/7.

My life as a male before was much, MUCH more difficult. GID infects *everything*. Nothing came easy, nothing felt like it was mine. Every breath I took was conflicted and painful. Every day that passed was another day lost.

Now... I can't put into words how NICE just living is. It's not special, it's not thrilling... in fact the wonder of it is my life is finally BORING. Ordinary. But delightfully so.

I just have a long sob story from childhood and I don't want to sound like a drama queen trying to get attention.

Hey, we're here to help! And you never know, someone else may read your story and find they can relate to it, and it'll help THEM too!

~Kate~

[Ember Lewis]

I know how hard it is, I too love kids and wanted my own, this kept me from transitioning sooner. I had to realize that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of kids. I also had been in one brief relationship by the time I turned 25 due to issues with my male body. So in the end Transitioning was my only hope, I plan on adopting kids now and look forward to being in a relationship. I wish I was born different but have never regretted my decision.

[Cire]

I'm working on getting to a therapist, I've started putting in contacts for 6 that are near my area.

I don't think I can stand continuing on without taking some kind of hormone. I already have plans to remove my body hair, growing out my head hair again (forced to cut for a job, not worth it!), and possibly finding a way to reduce the size of my nose. I just don't know if I want to go all the way, but I can't stand being so hairy and rough like I am now. No way, no way at all. I think I found a way to be able to afford the therapy as well. Anyone know where to find a listing of endocrinologists that have experience in this? I found a wonderful site that linked me to six nearby therapists, but I can't find one about endocrinologists.

[Omika]

When the time comes, your therapist will hook you up with an endo.

One step at a time, now.  Hair removal is fine - who wants to have body hair and shaving to deal with, anyways?


~ BB

[Berliegh]

When the time comes, your therapist will hook you up with an endo.

One step at a time, now.  Hair removal is fine - who wants to have body hair and shaving to deal with, anyways?


~ BB

I've never had a therapist and found an endocrinologist in London through the intermet.

In the U.K it's very DIY...

I keep asking....what does a therapist do? and no one gives me an answer.....

[Jaynatopia]

All I can offer is a virtual hug and say, "been there." In the end it's your decision but from my own experience hoping my feelings of gender conflict would go away just never came into being. I saw at the beginning of your post you had many excuses to not transition (and I don't mention that as criticism) but even if you decide not to you should go to counseling and deal with the G.I.D. If in another 7 years you are still struggling what has been gained? If nothing else therapy may help get things into perspective. I too was terrified of passing and never being accepted and relegated to freak. Finally I felt it was worth it rather than to deal with the omnipresent wrongness of my male presentation. Accepting that I had to transition really lifted a world of weight from my shoulders; once I started HRT I had the deepest, most soul-wrenching cry ever. It felt like every hurt and pain of being in the wrong body just came gushing out. I wish you a lot of luck in your decision, most everyone here would support a sister or brother who decided to transition or not to transition. 

Thank you all for your warnings. I understand this is a huge issue. I've been trying to convince myself for 7 years that I can live as I am right now. I know it would be so much easier. I'd like to be happy with how I am, it'd be much more simple and less painful. I guess I should look for more ways to get help, I just can't make myself believe that I can be happy how I am.

I wasn't sure how to post in introductions, I just have a long sob story from childhood and I don't want to sound like a drama queen trying to get attention.

[Cire]

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to help me.

I'd like to say that I took your advice and I'm working on setting up an apointment with a new therapist.

I feel so much better now that I'm doing something. For such a long time, I could never look in a mirror without not wanting to see who was looking back. Now I can appreciate my eyes, and the lines of my face. Not everything, but I feel alot better. I've found a way to get inexpensive hair removal (I'm pretty sure), and I think I'll be getting to hormones here sometime soon. Now I look at myself, and I want to loose more weight! I feel good and I have a drive to feel better.

All I have left is to sign up for a gym or something. Though, I think alot of my weight is in muscle, so I don't want to gain more. I'll need to figure that out.

[Shana A]

I keep asking....what does a therapist do? and no one gives me an answer.....

Berliegh,

Here in the US, one generally has to get a letter from a therapist to proceed with HRT, etc., as part of the Benjamin standards. Or, at least, it was how it was for me in 1993-4. I had to see my therapist and do RLT for a year before she would approve HRT. So, even if one didn't want therapy, you'd have to see them to get the papers.

That said, I was fortunate to find a good therapist, and seeing her was very helpful for the process of figuring out who I am. Besides gender stuff, I had a few other issues to deal with 

zythyra

[kae m]

Cire,
I can't believe how much I feel I relate to what you're saying, it's amazing.  I am trying to work up the courage to contact a therapist with some experience in the area, but haven't had much luck searching.  I know that I truly need to see someone - if not for this, for the fear of calling one to begin with.

I wish I had more to offer...I'm still wandering around confused myself, but maybe we can relate.  On one hand I look at this seemingly impossible challenge of living my life as I have been, miserable but still functioning.  On the other, I feel much better about myself even just taking small steps towards becoming who I feel I really am, and it seems logical that continuing down this path will make me feel even better about myself.  But then, I worry that I am throwing away what I have, even if what I have is miserable it is familiar and easy.  My biggest fear is that I will accept myself for who I am, but I will not physically pass to others.  I fear that by making myself comfortable with me, I will make my family, friends, and coworkers uncomfortable and hostile toward me.  It is all very confusing and scary.

Good luck!

[Cire]

Cire,
I can't believe how much I feel I relate to what you're saying, it's amazing.  I am trying to work up the courage to contact a therapist with some experience in the area, but haven't had much luck searching.  I know that I truly need to see someone - if not for this, for the fear of calling one to begin with.

I wish I had more to offer...I'm still wandering around confused myself, but maybe we can relate.  On one hand I look at this seemingly impossible challenge of living my life as I have been, miserable but still functioning.  On the other, I feel much better about myself even just taking small steps towards becoming who I feel I really am, and it seems logical that continuing down this path will make me feel even better about myself.  But then, I worry that I am throwing away what I have, even if what I have is miserable it is familiar and easy.  My biggest fear is that I will accept myself for who I am, but I will not physically pass to others.  I fear that by making myself comfortable with me, I will make my family, friends, and coworkers uncomfortable and hostile toward me.  It is all very confusing and scary.

Good luck!

I'm glad to have written something that you could so closely relate to. Being here has made me feel like I'm less alone than I was before. I'm glad to share that feeling with others.

I've been so happy taking these first steps, nothing is getting to me. There's no reason to hold back! I decided I was going to do something to improve my life, and I'm doing it! I did alot of research on therapists (there's actually a good list online, if you search for it on google, it had 6 therapists near me!), and I've found that sessions might be much cheaper than I thought! Also, I found a school where they teach hair removal, and if I agree to be a "model" for students to learn from, it's very cheap! I'm going to talk to my current therapist on the 5th to see if I can get an ok to start hormones (low levels), and if not, I'll dump him and move on to someone else (he's useless, just trying to figure out what "actuall" mental disorder I have, and finding nothing).

I can look in the mirror with hope now. I've started my gym membership today (talked the guy into a free two weeks until I can come up with money) and I plan on getting down to a 26" waist. (I don't know how long that will take!) I don't mean to brag about any of this, it's just that I feel so much better. It's like I needed to blank out and ignore alot of myself, and I'm finally getting to feel again.

PS: I've talked to my fiance, and she says that she'd support me if I did go through with surgury, but I don't think I'll want to do that, that's a decision I couldn't make now or for a long time. I plan on just going as far as I can while still being able to reproduce. See where that takes me...