Wife of crossdresser

[Sobi]

How did you wife's handle this when you found out your husband is a crossdresser? I'm not handling it very well but I don't know if its the cd or the thought of not knowing that part of him. I think more is going on then what he is telling me, I think hes hiding more. I feel like he is lying i even have a feeling hes cheating. We don't have any intimacy at all, for years now. I just dont know where to start to deal with this. A million things go through my mind about all this, im tired of fighting for his love and affection and his attention.

[Dena]

Normally cross dressing isn't a cause for concern and many cross dressers are happily married and in a committed relationship. However in this case, there appears to be more going on as the intimacy is gone from your relationship. It's time for the two of you to have a heart to heart talk and if that doesn't work, couples consoling should be your next step. There could be a number of things going on other than cheating but if you don't understand it, there will be no  way to deal with it.

[aaajjj55]

Dear Sobi

I am not a wife but was in a similar situation to your husband a few years ago and my wife went through (and continues to go through) similar emotions to you.  I'll try to give you what I think are both sides of the situation.

As MTF TGs (and I include crossdressers in this), we are faced with an overwhelming urge to explore our feminine side.  This may be wearing a single item of female clothing, complete transformation with makeup and wigs etc. or an overwhelming feeling that we are female or yearn to be female.  It's a spectrum and we're all different.  Against this, we have the societal norms that dictate that men should not want to emulate, or be, female and those that do are in some way perverted.  As a result, these feelings are often bottled up for years, if not decades.  Furthermore, many of us find that, in the early stages of a relationship, our TG thoughts get placed to one side and it feels like finding the right woman has 'cured' us.  Accordingly, crossdressing tends to go on in secret and, the longer this goes on, the harder it is to break the news to your significant other.  However, having TG tendencies does not automatically make us gay or want to live the rest of our lives as women.  A couple of hours reading the posts on this site will underline the struggles that many of us have.

From the wife's perspective, she has every right to feel cheated and question whether this is a relationship she still wants to be a part of.  From my point of view, when I 'came out' to my wife, I never gave any thought to the issue of how she would feel about the deceit and it was this that became the overriding issue and led her to question every other aspect of my life as, indeed, you are now doing.  She and you also have to contend with the fact that your husbands like to wear female clothes and you have the uncertainty whether this will ultimately lead to full surgical transition.

When I 'came out' I think that I had a hope that my wife would say something like 'no problem, just don't involve me' (the 'oh fabulous, now we can go clothes shopping together' response that we secretly hope for was never going to happen) and this very much guided my approach and the resultant fall out.  What I didn't stop to think was how I would feel if my wife had come to me and said that she always wished that she'd been born male and liked to wear a false beard and male clothes from time to time - I don't think I would have taken it calmly and would have questioned why something so fundamental was not discussed before we married.

So what's my advice to you?  Painful though it will be for you, encourage your husband to open up about his urges and feelings - is he happy crossdressing or is it a precursor to something more radical? has he always felt this way?  What motivates him to do it - is it sexual excitement, a feeling of calm, how he wished things had been etc.  If he is able to be honest and truthful, it will enable you both to decide the basis on which your relationship and his activities can continue.  Remember that you are under no obligation to tolerate or approve of these activities (or even to remain in the marriage if you don't want to) but if you are able to compromise to some degree, you may find that your marriage benefits as a result.

If you haven't already done so, I recommend that you read the two following threads; both feature disapproving spouses but with very different outcomes:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,213147.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html

I hope that you and your husband will be able to find a point of equilibrium in all of this but, from my point of view, I think your reaction is perfectly normal and the same as that experienced by many of us in this community.  That said, please tread carefully - what your husband is doing cannot be cured and the feelings may well have been with him since childhood.  Furthermore, the fact that he is cross dressing does not automatically mean that he is cheating on you or lying about other things and if you are able to have a degree of compassion, you may well get far more honesty than you would through intolerance.

With my best wishes and hope that you are both able to navigate through this.

[Marienz]

Dear Sobi

I am not a wife but was in a similar situation to your husband a few years ago and my wife went through (and continues to go through) similar emotions to you.  I'll try to give you what I think are both sides of the situation.

As MTF TGs (and I include crossdressers in this), we are faced with an overwhelming urge to explore our feminine side.  This may be wearing a single item of female clothing, complete transformation with makeup and wigs etc. or an overwhelming feeling that we are female or yearn to be female.  It's a spectrum and we're all different.  Against this, we have the societal norms that dictate that men should not want to emulate, or be, female and those that do are in some way perverted.  As a result, these feelings are often bottled up for years, if not decades.   Furthermore, many of us find that, in the early stages of a relationship, our TG thoughts get placed to one side and it feels like finding the right woman has 'cured' us.  Accordingly, crossdressing tends to go on in secret and, the longer this goes on, the harder it is to break the news to your significant other.  However, having TG tendencies does not automatically make us gay or want to live the rest of our lives as women.  A couple of hours reading the posts on this site will underline the struggles that many of us have.

From the wife's perspective, she has every right to feel cheated and question whether this is a relationship she still wants to be a part of.  From my point of view, when I 'came out' to my wife, I never gave any thought to the issue of how she would feel about the deceit and it was this that became the overriding issue and led her to question every other aspect of my life as, indeed, you are now doing.  She and you also have to contend with the fact that your husbands like to wear female clothes and you have the uncertainty whether this will ultimately lead to full surgical transition.

When I 'came out' I think that I had a hope that my wife would say something like 'no problem, just don't involve me' (the 'oh fabulous, now we can go clothes shopping together' response that we secretly hope for was never going to happen) and this very much guided my approach and the resultant fall out.  What I didn't stop to think was how I would feel if my wife had come to me and said that she always wished that she'd been born male and liked to wear a false beard and male clothes from time to time - I don't think I would have taken it calmly and would have questioned why something so fundamental was not discussed before we married.

So what's my advice to you?  Painful though it will be for you, encourage your husband to open up about his urges and feelings - is he happy crossdressing or is it a precursor to something more radical? has he always felt this way?  What motivates him to do it - is it sexual excitement, a feeling of calm, how he wished things had been etc.  If he is able to be honest and truthful, it will enable you both to decide the basis on which your relationship and his activities can continue.  Remember that you are under no obligation to tolerate or approve of these activities (or even to remain in the marriage if you don't want to) but if you are able to compromise to some degree, you may find that your marriage benefits as a result.

If you haven't already done so, I recommend that you read the two following threads; both feature disapproving spouses but with very different outcomes:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,213147.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html

I hope that you and your husband will be able to find a point of equilibrium in all of this but, from my point of view, I think your reaction is perfectly normal and the same as that experienced by many of us in this community.  That said, please tread carefully - what your husband is doing cannot be cured and the feelings may well have been with him since childhood.  Furthermore, the fact that he is cross dressing does not automatically mean that he is cheating on you or lying about other things and if you are able to have a degree of compassion, you may well get far more honesty than you would through intolerance.

With my best wishes and hope that you are both able to navigate through this.

Hi
I hope it's ok to jump onto this post. What a fabulous reply.. i needed to read a post like this nearly a year ago.

Sobi there is a significant others section of this forum as well, which is very helpful:)


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[Sobi]

Thank you for the respond. Im not able to log in very much. We do talk about it. But the feelings I get the things I find it tells me something more is going on. I would love nothing more then to work through this but how can I stay when I see nor feel the love from him anymore? I had felt something wasn't right for alot of years then when he told me it clicked. Nothing has changed in 2 plus years. Im just ready to move on if its not going to work.  It makes me very sad but I know I can't change him.

[aaajjj55]

Dear Sobi

Like you, my wife had a feeling that I had a dark secret throughout our marriage and, on several occasions, asked me if I was gay, which I am not.  Once I finally confessed my crossdressing to her, on the one hand she had a sense of relief that she was right about a secret being kept but on the other hand, she lost pretty well all trust in me and that persists to this day.  After attempts on her part to come to terms with the situation, she gave me an ultimatum - stop or the marriage is over.  I chose to stop but this has had two adverse consequences - firstly my urges to dress as (and sometimes fully transition to) a female have become a lot stronger (although they do come and go and, at the present time they have receded) and secondly I am once again being dishonest by not discussing how I feel with her (for fear of the consequences) and, more significantly, I am participating in this forum as what I consider to be a significant part of my psyche and personality.

From my point of view, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to be able to go to my wife and say 'look, I tried to cope with this but I can't.  I have a female side who needs to come out from time to time - I don't know where this is leading but I need your help and support to get through this' and for her to reply 'it's OK, do what you have to do and I'm here when you need to talk about it'.  Sadly, this is not and will never be reality leaving me with the choice to battle on as things are, resume my activities in secret or say what I feel and destroy our family.  This may well be similar to what your husband is feeling at present.

Taking all of this into account, I know that I've been and continue to be a lousy husband to her.  Yes, I think I'm considerate, try to look after her and do all of the things (and many more) that good husbands are supposed to do but it has been the intangible side of marriage that has been lacking - unrequited love, trust and all of those sort of things - and a major part of this has been my inner struggles with feelings that I don't want to have but can't shake off.

You say that you think 'something more is going on' but you haven't expanded on exactly what you think your husband is doing.  Do you suspect him of something specific such as an affair, something about his past, is it a feeling of unease that he is still holding certain things back about the extent of his transgender feelings or is it just a case that you feel so let down by his deception that all trust in him has evaporated?  Your husband may well be visiting TG related websites behind your back (he may even be reading these posts!), he may find transsexual women (or the idea that men can become beautiful women) attractive, he may be walking through women's clothing stores admiring the stock, he may be looking at women in the street and wishing he was them.  These are all difficult things to discuss with wives and could give rise to his current general demeanour.

I have done a lot of soul searching as to the advice I can give you.  In writing the foregoing, I have tried to give you an idea of how your husband may feel and what he may be doing but your post is about you.  If you could be 100% sure that nothing else is going on, would you be prepared to accept that your husband wants to crossdress (and may wish to go further in the future)?  If not, then I think your decision is made.  If you are able to accept this, then how much are you prepared to be a part of it?  For the reasons I put in my original post to you, I know this is incredibly difficult for you but if you do feel able to surprise him with an item of clothing or offer to help him with his makeup etc. it's possible that he will open up and enable you to have the more meaningful dialogues that you so desperately need.  In suggesting this, though, I would caution you that seeing your husband fully dressed and made up may make you realise that these activities are incompatible with your marriage (this is what happened in my case) which, unfortunately, pretty well gets you back where you started.

The only plea I would make on your husband's behalf is please try not to punish him.  He can't help his feelings and needs a degree of understanding even if this understanding is that, from your point of view, the marriage has run its course.

I hope this helps and you are able to find a solution that makes you happy but if I can be of any further help, please let me know.

Amanda

[JoanneB]

Dear Sobi

I am not a wife but was in a similar situation to your husband a few years ago and my wife went through (and continues to go through) similar emotions to you.  I'll try to give you what I think are both sides of the situation.

As MTF TGs (and I include crossdressers in this), we are faced with an overwhelming urge to explore our feminine side.  This may be wearing a single item of female clothing, complete transformation with makeup and wigs etc. or an overwhelming feeling that we are female or yearn to be female.  It's a spectrum and we're all different.  Against this, we have the societal norms that dictate that men should not want to emulate, or be, female and those that do are in some way perverted.  As a result, these feelings are often bottled up for years, if not decades.  Furthermore, many of us find that, in the early stages of a relationship, our TG thoughts get placed to one side and it feels like finding the right woman has 'cured' us.  Accordingly, crossdressing tends to go on in secret and, the longer this goes on, the harder it is to break the news to your significant other.  However, having TG tendencies does not automatically make us gay or want to live the rest of our lives as women.  A couple of hours reading the posts on this site will underline the struggles that many of us have.

From the wife's perspective, she has every right to feel cheated and question whether this is a relationship she still wants to be a part of.  From my point of view, when I 'came out' to my wife, I never gave any thought to the issue of how she would feel about the deceit and it was this that became the overriding issue and led her to question every other aspect of my life as, indeed, you are now doing.  She and you also have to contend with the fact that your husbands like to wear female clothes and you have the uncertainty whether this will ultimately lead to full surgical transition.

When I 'came out' I think that I had a hope that my wife would say something like 'no problem, just don't involve me' (the 'oh fabulous, now we can go clothes shopping together' response that we secretly hope for was never going to happen) and this very much guided my approach and the resultant fall out.  What I didn't stop to think was how I would feel if my wife had come to me and said that she always wished that she'd been born male and liked to wear a false beard and male clothes from time to time - I don't think I would have taken it calmly and would have questioned why something so fundamental was not discussed before we married.

So what's my advice to you?  Painful though it will be for you, encourage your husband to open up about his urges and feelings - is he happy crossdressing or is it a precursor to something more radical? has he always felt this way?  What motivates him to do it - is it sexual excitement, a feeling of calm, how he wished things had been etc.  If he is able to be honest and truthful, it will enable you both to decide the basis on which your relationship and his activities can continue.  Remember that you are under no obligation to tolerate or approve of these activities (or even to remain in the marriage if you don't want to) but if you are able to compromise to some degree, you may find that your marriage benefits as a result.

If you haven't already done so, I recommend that you read the two following threads; both feature disapproving spouses but with very different outcomes:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,213147.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html

I hope that you and your husband will be able to find a point of equilibrium in all of this but, from my point of view, I think your reaction is perfectly normal and the same as that experienced by many of us in this community.  That said, please tread carefully - what your husband is doing cannot be cured and the feelings may well have been with him since childhood.  Furthermore, the fact that he is cross dressing does not automatically mean that he is cheating on you or lying about other things and if you are able to have a degree of compassion, you may well get far more honesty than you would through intolerance.

With my best wishes and hope that you are both able to navigate through this.

Great reply


I'll jump in to add that it is impossible to know what is going through another persons head. Even harder then it is for that person to REALLY know what is going through theirs. For me, my wife knew from Day 1 about my GD and my 'Experiments' about going full-time female. Twice, both being utter fails. So I "Settled" on being CD. This worked out sort of OK for many many years. Some 30 years later later I dropped the "T-Bomb" on my wife. She handled it far worse then I thought, yet far better then I thought.At that time I had some months earlier finally admitted to myself I am NOT Just a CD. That I had no clear idea exactly who or what I am. Seven years later I still do not exactly who/what I am. Seven years later she still has periods where the feelings of Betrayal, et al, bubble up.

Yet, there has been a slow and steady trend in a positive direction for us both. Between our history, our love, and seeing that the other is trying as much as you are, you hang in there. Perhaps things will get better.

We don't, especially she does not, expect us to be together as we imagined. I've heard more often then I care to remember "I did not marry a woman. I like what men have, how they make me feel. etc.." I cannot ask, nor expect her to "stick around" if the situation changes much more beyond how I am managing my GD.  Dealing with a spouse dealing with GD is not what she signed up for. Today the scales tilt towards "It's doable" Tomorrow...?

The negative feelings may not ever go away. There just may be new and greater positive things on the horizon. Life is funny that way

[Steph Eigen]

Sobi,

I have only one additional thought to add to the thoughtful responses offered thus far.

To make my point, I want to present to you a brief summary of my personal situation.  It may not be exactly that of your husband but in any case, I hope it will offer some insight that will help you work through you situation.

I am certain I am a full blown MtF TG from early childhood.  I have just started psychotherapy a few weeks ago as the gender dysphoria has mounted over the last several years to the point of being disruptive to my day to day life. 

I socialized with some struggle in childhood to become quite successfully male in every way, ultimately dating as heterosexual man to a woman I dearly love, have two grown children and a 2 year old grandchild.  I've episodically crossdressed secretly at home unknown to my wife for now in excess of 30 years of marriage.  To be clear, in my situation, I am not the stereotypical crossdresser, I am out and out transgender.  I have very strong female gender identification and struggle over my desires to fully transition to live as a woman, something that seem un-achievable to me because of numerous family and career related insurmountable barriers.

I have not disclosed any of this to my wife.  I am sure she would see it as the ultimate deception and an overt lie.  I would, in principle, agree with her but there is more to the reality of the situation than that.  Having functionally lied  to her about this huge secret in my life for over 30 years, I suffer  torment and  shame for this lie.  I vacillate between feeling I would be best to spare her the pain of facing this with me, being inclined to keep the reality of my situation to myself and suffer in silence since I love her and am inclined to make this sacrifice to spare her and my family.  Understand that I have never been suicidal but it requires little imagination on my part to understand why suicide occurs at very high rates.

On the other hand, I am inclined to be honest for honesty's sake as I have never held back anything else from her, never been unfaithful, never deceived her in any other way.  Selfishly, I fear this would end our marriage as I am quite sure she would not want to be married to a woman with the the  lesbian inferences soince she is unquestionably heterosexual.  If she were to stay with me, if only for reasons of our long history, intwined lives and deep love for one another, intimacy would surely cease.  I cannot even begin to imagine what would happen I were to have gender reassignment surgery.

For the most part, I would love to find a solution where I could manage my gender  dysphoria without full transition and all the social disruption it would be to our lives together.  I know her very well now after >30 years of marriage and realize how hurtful this would be to her and have insight into just how poorly she would accept the realization that her manly husband is really a woman internally who has been hiding from the world in an expertly crafted, highly developed male facade for >50 years.

I tell you all this in hope that you will consider the pain your husband must feel over having this secret for years.  None of us wishes for this, it is a strange twist of fate that brings us to this.  It is not a personal choice or an odd hobby that one can just choose to abandon.  Try to understand him and his situation, something that I realize will be difficult with the hurt and confusion you surely feel.

I hope you will both find some peace and come to understand the predicament you face, finding a solution.