Hello all. My name is "currently" Daniel, and I've identified as a gay man for 8 years. I've periodically questioned my gender identity, but have never let myself pursue it for some reasons known and some unknown to me. I grew up in a fairly conservative Christian family/environment, and coming out as gay was not easy, especially in regards to my family. Although it took some time, my entire family is accepting of who I am now, and I suppose I have been afraid to even consider my gender otherness because it would mean starting all over again. I've never been able to accept who I currently am, but have only recently been tossed into a certain whirlwind.
I am currently waiting to hear back on an intake request with a local therapist who works with the LGB and T communities, and seems to at least somewhat specialize in gender dysphoria (funny, my computer thinks "dysphoria" is an incorrectly spelled word). I do, however, value any feedback of even camaraderie or empathy, if not advice altogether. I've joined this forum because I want a place to be able to write my thoughts out, because they've been clashing so vehemently in my head.
I've had a few largely unsuccessful relationships with gay men, and have been single now for over three years. As much as I know I want to be in a relationship, something big is holding me back from even meeting someone. I've never done drag in the performance sense, but have always wanted to look like a "real girl" when making myself up in such a way. I've recently joined Younique, a network marketing cosmetics company, and have been LOVING contouring and eye shadowing and playing around with colors...I hardly leave the house without makeup at this point. It feels like I've met a part of me that I've been denying for so long, even in that one aspect. I've also started working at a clothing store, and have only bought women's clothing (I'm 5'1, so wearing men's clothes isn't quite so feasible in the first place). But I'm now finding myself wanting to venture out from skinny ankle jeans and low cut tops to blouses, heels, and dresses. Not to mention looking into breast forms, wigs, and the like...
I know I know that these things are only superficial elements, but they've awoken something much deeper in me. I'm watching videos of MTF transformations, looking into time frames and effects of HRT, and actually teared up looking at before-and-afters of FFS procedures. The kicker is that I've started to fantasize of being a bride...
I've gone on a bit here, and I apologize for the length. But once I start, I cannot help myself. Part of me calls me confused, but another part feels..ready? Thank you to those who made it through this whole post, and I look forward to not only hearing from you, but also finally sorting out who I am and how to become the best possible version of myself. If you have any questions, I welcome those as well
