Mentally stalling and procrastinating

[becky.rw]

Its such a strange place I find myself in, alien in a way that almost defies comprehension.   My mind is restful, and has been, for the most part, for several months now.   Restful in a way that I have only achieved for brief minutes at a time, and only rarely at that; honestly from the beginning of my conscious memory at 5 or so.

It makes me hesitant to take the next step; makes me feel like I could stay here forever.   But I know I can't.  Its a reprieve, not a pardon or cure.  If I fail to move forward, old patterns will eventually overwhelm me again, and the prize will slip from my fingers.   Excuses are legion, but purpose is singular.     But to move forward, I must act outside the bounds of my cloistered life (as Vitale put it), I have to walk out of step with the safe life that those around me, have crafted for my benefit and shelter.       

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It's really hard to take that leap from one life to another. I guess it's not just true of transitioning between genders but you could really say that about any truly major change in life. There is great risk but also great reward.

Make sure you have a support network in place. Someone to turn to when you hit those rough patches or find yourself facing down your personal bogeyman.

[becky.rw]

I think I might have gone off the esoteric deep end there... just over the internal debate in my head as to whether to ask to move the E needle from high menopause and comfortable (but modest changes) to "tally ho!".  Its funny watching my thoughts try to desperately avoid that question, and spend all their looping time debating anti-androgens and whether I could get (and tolerate) a GnRH, etc....    Try to push it to the E debate, and its all of sudden, "what's the weather doing out there?"

[Anne Blake]

Hello Becky,

One of the things that I really like and continue to be amazed by is the emotions and "esoteric wanderings" that estrogen promotes. I love to be able to feel so much, particularly when it is on the up side. The downside ponderings are still amazing but I need more rest and recovery after long walks in those dark woods.

The constant reevaluating of wants and needs, "do I really want to go there while it is so comfortable here vs. hurry up and get this change done", is such a constant companion for me lately. For me, the past couple of weeks has not been about changes in dosages or change steps, it has been all about speeding up coming out. And it is perhaps going a bit too fast as we have more than doubled the number of folks that know of Anne this week. That would be hard to put back in the bottle. My wife and I spent a long time wrestling over how much and how fast when approaching hrt. What finally moved us from talking about it to starting e and s was my OBGYN pointing out how simple a choice it was. Try it she said, if you don't like it, stop taking the pills. She really pushed we were in control, no hurry, the big thing was to enjoy the ride.

If you are enjoying the esoteric ponderings, no harm no foul, enjoy the ride. When urgency raises its head high enough, ramp up the transition pace a bit, once again, enjoy the ride.

I see transitioning, not as a thing to start and get done, but rather an amazing journey that I want to take slow enough to be able to thoroughly enjoy each step.

And I fully agree with value of a good support network, mine has had my back time and time again. There are several shoulders out there that I have soaked in tears, tears of both joy and pain.

Anne

[jentay1367]

I see transitioning, not as a thing to start and get done, but rather an amazing journey that I want to take slow enough to be able to thoroughly enjoy each step.

Totally agree...but this journey ain't for sissies. Better be tough, resilient and quite sane.