Transphobic parents

[Thecutekittycat]

My husband is transgender and has been on T for two years. His family has not respected him at all during his transition. He has been misgendered, dead named, bought girls clothes for his birthday/ christmas when he told them not to bother buying anything.
We have decided to go no contact because his family causes us a lot of stress and having them in his life is more hurtful than him not having a family. However, they keep harassing him by texts, phone calls, and holding his mail that still sometimes gets sent to his old address when he lived with them. He has told his mom to forward the mail but she keeps insisting that he should pick it up in person even though he does not have a car.
Has anyone else had to deal with a family member (such as his mom) who uses everyone in the family as pawns against you?
We are both so sick of this. We are changing both of our phone numbers and are going to be moving again soon so people won't know our address but the stress right now is ->-bleeped-<-ty and I really don't know how to help him considering this is how he has been treated his whole life.

Does anyone else have advice or experience cutting off toxic family that doesn't result in retaliation such as harassment?

[Dena]

I have not had this problem but my iPhone will allow number blocking, my email can discard or redirect unwanted messages and you can tell them if they want to contact you, do it by your PO Box. I also suggest you get the mail that comes to the old address redirected as soon as possible so there is no reason to visit his mom. There are people who will not take no for an answer and all you can do is minimize your exposure to them.

[FTMax]

I am no contact with 4 family members, 3 due to my transition and 1 because they're not a good person. The best thing you can do to hammer the point home with them is to firmly explain that you do not want any contact with them. A lot of people think it's easier to just disappear or drop off the face of the earth, but that seems to really provoke a response for some reason. Probably because people like this have an incessant need to have the last word and remain in control.

I recommend writing a letter and sending it certified mail so you have a record of it being delivered. Some people also send a text message or email at the same time so that the recipient can't come back and say they never read your letter. It doesn't have to be long, just a simple:

"NAME, Please do not call, email, snail mail, or in any way contact me for any reason. This includes asking others to communicate with me on your behalf. I will view further attempts at contact as harassment and will pursue legal action if necessary."

If you know anyone in the legal profession or are able to pay for a lawyer, it's easy to get something slightly more official put on a nice letterhead that should give them additional pause. Keep a copy for yourself and the record of when it was delivered. If they continue to harass you, you now have evidence to submit to the police for a restraining order.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

This sounds like it could be my mom, although she's less persistent in terms of texts and stuff but she still tries to contact my wife from time to time with stupid stuff. I moved hundreds of miles away from my parents and stopped answering the phone when they call. Actually it's taken me a long time to be able to listen to voice mail because my mom would leave these long rambling passive aggressive voice mails. (Nowadays you can pick and choose which ones you listen to, which helps.)

I hope your husband has all the important documents, birth certificate, immunization records, social security card, etc, in his posession and not at the parents' house.

I would pick up mail one last time, maybe with a friend who the parents will have to behave themselves in front of because not family, and then contact each of the people who mailed the wrong address to get them to correct it.

Also, check your info at the credit bureaus and make sure they have the correct, new address. You can get that info for free once a year and you can challenge any info in it that's wrong. (Having said that, they can always put wrong info back and do.)

Don't flounce or tell them you're cutting off contact, just quietly do it. When you're ready, block their #s from your phones because they won't stop texting. If you give a forwarding address use a PO Box. It makes it harder for them to show up unannounced at your door.

It sounds like you are emotionally ready to cut off contact so good luck. In my case it was worth it. I haven't 100% cut off contact but contact is way less and I have no intentions of changing that. I am free to be my own person now. (In the case of my family there were issues way beyond just the trans thing, which is probably the case for your husband as well. Controlling people aren't just controlling about one thing.)

ps: you know about those mail forwarding cards at the Post office, right? Put one in for your each of your husband's current and former names with your parents addy and your current one. The reason is because those cards expire after so many months so even if you did it before, it's probably expired. Also, it only forwards 1st class mail. Bulk mail is usually of much less importance--magazines, solicitations, stuff like that, which you may not care to have forwarded anyway.

[Veronica J]

I have not had this problem but my iPhone will allow number blocking, my email can discard or redirect unwanted messages and you can tell them if they want to contact you, do it by your PO Box. I also suggest you get the mail that comes to the old address redirected as soon as possible so there is no reason to visit his mom. There are people who will not take no for an answer and all you can do is minimize your exposure to them.

so true this is great advice!

i see a massive confrontation with my parents and i see them doing the same thing as yours (and i suspect they would follow every legal avenue to them to stop me). and possibly even a physical altercation.

i spent a few sessions with my therapist on this very issue, lets see if my words can make here without sound insane. i would def do the above and have a po box and email just for them to send me stuff.i could never close that door, no matter what they do (even if i get physically assaulted - and i would press charges if they did, but i still wont close that door). blood is blood, and i will always react as an adult and be there if they truly need me. i dont want to ever take the chance of saying a terrible thing to them and that being the last thing i say to the ones i love (even if they hate me, i will always love them. it will hurt i know but still i will love them i cant be any other way). My gran learned that lesson when her whole family died in a plane crash (she and her husband took a car home, sort of a mini holiday) and she lived with that pain and regret, of an argument and mean words being the last thing she said to them, for decades.. it never fades or goes away.

but i wont stand for any kind of abuse either and will def walk away from that..and i would let them know this "This is the real me. accept me for who i am, love me for me, if you cant do both of those its best if you stay away and stop contacting me. no amount of verbal abuse, arguments of any kind will get me to change. i lived x number of years as you wanted and expected me to be, following and employing all your advise.. just to keep you happy and you not noticing my pain.. i knew all along its wrong, living with constant pain and depression, being suicidal for seeing no way out.its time i stop living your life and start living mine."

dont threaten with lawyers, always asses what is going on.. take a step back and see it all and respond as an adult and stay safe.

[WolfNightV4X1]

xP Im right there with you, although youre further along. Ive been getting angry, passive aggressive, persistant, long rants on phone calls and tects about how terrible my life is despite being more stress free, happy, and relaxed away from them, their aggravated and tense relationship being the few stressing factors in my life.

I dont necessarily want to cut contact but they will continue to be disgusted and irate just by my decision to exist as feels correct and proper so Im really, really at a loss. I'll likely wait until I get into school and accomplish things to come out completely and they can feel how they'd like to, I will not be too worried anymore since Im doing well regardless of how they feel.


Good luck on your end, you sound like youre getting the bitter worst of it, Im just glad I have a supportive girlfriend myself too. On behalf of your husband I will also thank you for being a good wife in supporting him.

[Veronica J]

xP Im right there with you, although youre further along. Ive been getting angry, passive aggressive, persistant, long rants on phone calls and tects about how terrible my life is despite being more stress free, happy, and relaxed away from them, their aggravated and tense relationship being the few stressing factors in my life.

I dont necessarily want to cut contact but they will continue to be disgusted and irate just by my decision to exist as feels correct and proper so Im really, really at a loss. I'll likely wait until I get into school and accomplish things to come out completely and they can feel how they'd like to, I will not be too worried anymore since Im doing well regardless of how they feel.


Good luck on your end, you sound like youre getting the bitter worst of it, Im just glad I have a supportive girlfriend myself too. On behalf of your husband I will also thank you for being a good wife in supporting him.

no need to be at a loss at their reaction, they just cant understand it and you were born one way in their eyes. it can be lots of things..but none of them are u, its them and the childish reaction, and the sheer fact your looking at a situation and responding as an adult.

hmm let me clarify, while i wouldn't slam the door closed and refuse all communication.. i would not, if my family responded that way, start communication. i would politely request they send either a letter or an email to one of these addresses.. and if they continued to harass me i would change my phone numbers, street address.

[Thecutekittycat]

xP Im right there with you, although youre further along. Ive been getting angry, passive aggressive, persistant, long rants on phone calls and tects about how terrible my life is despite being more stress free, happy, and relaxed away from them, their aggravated and tense relationship being the few stressing factors in my life.

I dont necessarily want to cut contact but they will continue to be disgusted and irate just by my decision to exist as feels correct and proper so Im really, really at a loss. I'll likely wait until I get into school and accomplish things to come out completely and they can feel how they'd like to, I will not be too worried anymore since Im doing well regardless of how they feel.


Good luck on your end, you sound like youre getting the bitter worst of it, Im just glad I have a supportive girlfriend myself too. On behalf of your husband I will also thank you for being a good wife in supporting him.

I feel like it hurts so much to see anyone treated this way because they choose to live their life authentically.They refuse to get to know him as he is now, all of their conversations about him are about how they miss the way he used to be and how they spent so much time picking a unique name for him and they ignore the fact that he hates his old name and any mentions of it simply because of how much emphasis they put on it and their projection of what they wanted their kid to be.
I think that you seem to be in a very similar situation and it is so true that for as long as they are not in contact we are so happy and relaxed which is how we know that they aren't worth keeping in his life. Every time they initiate any contact he becomes an anxious wreck.
If you ever need any significant other advice feel free to ask. I have been with my love for almost 7 years now and he has always been male to us both but he was not in a position to transition until he moved out of his parents house which was two years ago. We are younger than we sound actually I am 21 and he is 22 haha.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It's a difficult time in life because you're ready to start doing things for yourself but parents don't see you as an adult yet.

There seems to be some narcissism with his parents, it's all about their dreams for him, their vision of him, and they've had YEARS since his puberty started to get used to this and they won't.

The thing with narcissistic people is that they don't love folks unconditionally. They need, NEED, and they confuse that with love. It would fit with your husband's anxiety after dealing with them. That kind of contact is draining, it's not recharging.

[WolfNightV4X1]

...all of their conversations about him are about how they miss the way he used to be and how they spent so much time picking a unique name for him and they ignore the fact that he hates his old name and any mentions of it simply because of how much emphasis they put on it and their projection of what they wanted their kid to be.
I think that you seem to be in a very similar situation and it is so true that for as long as they are not in contact we are so happy and relaxed which is how we know that they aren't worth keeping in his life. Every time they initiate any contact he becomes an anxious wreck.
If you ever need any significant other advice feel free to ask. I have been with my love for almost 7 years now and he has always been male to us both but he was not in a position to transition until he moved out of his parents house which was two years ago. We are younger than we sound actually I am 21 and he is 22 haha.

Oh wow, thats some amazing dedication of 7 years at that age, congrats. Me and my partner are 21 and 20 respectively but we've known each other for far less

I am definitely relating to that front though, I was always too shy to tell my mother I always hated my name even as a kid, and she always told me how peoud of it she was. She also told me when she started suspecting I was trans that she was so happy to hear that she was going to have a little girl as her first child and raise the child up and do all these nice girly things with...I only realized later when I was self aware that there was a stark difference in the lives of young girls and boys that I gravitated to the other end, unwittingly.

Fast forward to the first time my parents visited me in my new apartment after only 6 months of living away,  they found my Planned Parenrhood paperwork and proceeded to dig into that, getting very upset...that night ended with me having a panic attack and locking myself in the closet, my partner ushered them out...

So yes to all of that, Im glad to hear that someone else relates to what Im going to and has a similar story, it gives me peace of mind to know Im not alone in that particular struggle

[Kylo]

To cut off a toxic family - he can personally contact all the bodies or companies that send him important mail and tell them to correct the address. If it's junk mail - well it doesn't matter and it's not worth picking up.

Get a new phone or card for one with a new mobile phone number, or request a change of landline number. Or just resolve to block or never look at or answer their messages. You might also want to move to a new address at some point and conveniently forget to tell the toxic family what your new one is.

What they're doing is usually termed passive aggression and emotional manipulation. I've had my fair share of it from family members I've since cut off. If you feel utterly miserable every time you speak to someone, because of what they say and what they impose upon you, then in the end there's no good in doing it.