Hi Liz thanks for chatting
My dsphoria went through the roof which sent my anger out of control...the hate and loathing I had for myself was at the suicidally high levels...as the levels began to drop away so did many of the physical symptoms along with my anger. After this and for the next 2 years I had low to no T...I felt pretty good.
Liz yes I think I may finally have had a taste of dysphoria. ..but it needed someone close to me to trigger it and i thought i was immune to it ...very unpleasant feeling so I can feel for you and I have noticed as my t dose bleeds off I feel more relaxed
So there something definitely there its interesting that you felt good with low t or nil t levels but I guess the estrogen must have made a difference
When I started HRT things changed for me I began to get some clarity around myself, my dysphoria lessened I felt "well". This came with side effects which the biggest being the rollercoaster of emotions. When T is not the pervading hormone running through your system you see the world from a different view. It takes time for it to shift and I can feel the shift in me and I feel excited and happy.
Yes I am looking forward (although a little scared )to the changes estrogen will make in me , I have a deep feeling they will be quite marked and profound just as I found with T . I am really looking forward to it to be honest and I am preparing with that in mind
.clothes, makeup, hair, deportment are all very important but for me
I expect something similar will occur with me ....I want to do my nails and make up so bad
and I guess theres something dysphoric about not being able at this point
When I sent my photo's off for virtual ffs I was asked what I didnt like about my face
I said the whole thing .. I like my eyes though and sometimes in a quiet moment I can see me sometimes
I had to go out to get some hardware yesterday and I was absolutely miserable because I just did not want to go in boy mode but I did anyway...I did not realise just how much it upsets me to crossdress now...this is a change that has come from me allowing myself to just be who I am...
Yes well now its the reverse for you thats very interesting but it shows to me that you are you : )
I guess what I am trying to say to you is that Oestrogen is not just a substitute for T, it is likely to change your world in unexpected ways, its a whole new universe when you are on Oestrogen. Don't be scared...its the kind of different you have craved all your life if you are MTF and I would imagine if you are FTM having T would be similar.
Yes Liz I agree I look forward to it thank you for your insight and encouragement
Since I've been on replacement t my body has stopped producing it and the body parts responsible for making it would similar to a trans female now
So when estrogen floods my system it will have full access after having been on t replacement for so long that area is in stasis and I would have to use medicine to kickstart it again, I know the female body needs a small amount of testosterone for health just as the male one needs a small amount of estrogen so I will have to do some more research on that aspect
If you read any of my very early posts, even before I decided to transition I was all to aware of the "fact" that I would not pass...but as I have gone along on HRT whether or not I pass is becoming less of an issue because the duality of living as part male and part female is becoming increasingly more difficult as each day comes along. The other thing I have noticed is I do care if I pass to a certain extent. I want to be able to at least walk through a shopping centre and not be noticed by everyone or even pass. After 40+ years of T there are some things I cannot change and don't want to change.
Just thinking out loud along with you
Most welcome Liz
Yes I am not so worried about passing so much as aesthetics like hair for instance ive regrown mine and will find out if I am a candidate for transplantation if I could even manage shoulder length I'd be very happy,
I used to keep thinking about my height but last night in the gym this cis girl came in she was as tall as me big boned, had a high forehead so that initially I thought she was trans , but no she wasn't
And a while ago a trans woman came into Sarahs shop I could tell by her voice but she wasn't even concerned about it however she had the most beautiful ankle length dress ...so I think clothes maketh the female as well as maybe not self confidence but being comfortable in ones skin which is definitely the vibe I got from her so I think that is probably the most important thing of all if you want to be able to pass to the extent you mentioned ....you will , you have long hair thats a good start
Oh and that femmine posture you have adopted sounds natural just goes to show theres no need to mimic anything I think considering all the females we have ever been exposed , seen , been with is all recorded in the subconscious so in the presence of hormones mannerisms and character will adjust accordingly I think though I'm certainly not an expert but I think one mistake could be trying to hard you can't force a flower to open but when it does its own pace until it is in full bloom
Hugs
Markie