Thinking out loud

[Drexy/Drex]

I read a post by carlyMcx
On how after starting hrt several weeks in she when looking at photos of her old self
She would cry at losing him
That really hit home with myself making me wonder will I feel the same ? For the first time after reading that  I looked at pictures of myself and in the mirror viewing who I saw as someone else rather than me in other words another person ...and I felt kind of guilty as if I was going to euthanize this guy , thing is I have never been able to see my self as I am,
other men call me big fella , big guy, big mark etc and joke about not pissing me off cause of my size,but i cant see that  it must besimiler to that anorexic type syndrome I guess and prob I have low self esteem, but this particular time I saw myself as another person judged and appraised him as I would a stranger , it was a very strange sensation ,the other thing is I'm not worried about transitioning and what others will think well i am ...but more that I will be disappointing them that's the emotion I will get I think from them apart from shock...you see I work away from home from 2 to 4 weeks at a time in remote construction camps the work force is 95 % male and across between pirates and bikers I dont know how fast the hrt will reveal itself but I kind of know my body and I have the feeling it will just lap up hrt
Im not sure im being coherent  but im wondering how  im going to go transitioning from am alpha male ( claytons alphamale  the alphamale you have when your not having an alphamale )
In front of these hard core men ...and god knows what sort of nickname I will get it all depends how long this contract lasts it might be 1 month past xmas or another 2 years which means I'd have no escape.
then again low dose would not show up and give me time  to get rid of facial and body hair...I'd explain my loss of strength and size siting I, m  concentrating on cardio etc or some smoke screen ....anyway after the body hair is dealt with ffs will be next along with ramping up the hrt or vice versa. ....I really want to get moving ...the clock is ticking

[Steph Eigen]

Consider that your role as imposed by societal norms will unavoidably change.

I can entirely relate to your situation.  I'm not a physically bulky and imposing as clearly you are based on your avatar  but am 6' 2" with size 14 feet, big chest and shoulders.  I am unquestionably an alpha in my workplace but not based on physical parameters but on leadership and intellectual ones as university faculty and director of several programs and services; leader of a research group.   

If I were to transition, the issue I am struggling with right now, I guess it would be socially disruptive for me but doubt being a woman or specifically a transgender woman would inherently undermine the "alpha" position I hold in the workplace or in my field.  I guess most of my concerns are rooted in the visual I have of myself becoming a self involved narcissistic pubescent girl starting hormones at age 60 looking initially like a "dude in a dress."  That, the act of transitioning to a new feminine identity, is what I fear would undermine my credibility not the fact of being a woman.  I could pull it off fairly painlessly if I could transition on a desert island somewhere or go "underground" in a walled of complex out of view of the world with advisors and handlers (think: Bruce Jenner) and return a functional fully transitioned and socialized woman.  Obviously, not an available option to the vast majority of us; certainly not available to me.

Even if I could avoid the difficulties of the transition phase, I am convinced I would have the appearance of  an credible older woman regardless of fully exploiting surgical options, having ongoing difficulties passing, even as an "Old Amazon" simply on the basis of my size and body habitus. 

If you need to have physical stature and a physically imposing appearance to secure your role, you may need to give careful consideration to how transition will affect your ability to continue in your current role in the workplace.  On the other hand, the law protects you to a great extent in this regard.

There is a high rate of unemployment and underemployment in transgender people.  One of the worst outcomes is to become physically congruent with your actual gender but end up financially ravaged in the process and out of work.  Plan carefully.

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Steph, yes I'm 6" but originally was slim
All the muscle bulk I have was attained over a period of ten years , I'm not sure but I think it will gradually disappear with hrt
Its not necessary for me to maintain my present image in my work as I'm a skilled mobile plant operator so I dont have to be to physical as for me being an alpha it is predominantly a label  bestowed upon me by others , not physical and intellectual as yourself I dont think height will be a problem I've seen plenty of tall woman ..only downside is no stilettos yes I too will fit the amazon category in fact that is the template I will be pursuing.... an athletic  alternative female probably with a considerable amount of tattoos tomboy ,however hair the lack of is the bane of my universe at this time , I agree that  being able to transition in private would be he ultimate but like you said it's not avaliable to every one though it would be the way to go
I think ffs will really change the game for me , and I think as female I actually will be more assertive than I am now ...because I will no longer have any thing to hide , coming out is my greatest fear but once that is done I will free of fear, I think for yourself you will have no problems because as you said your status is based on intellect which make a Big difference I do understand your  concerns about it being socially disruptive ...it will be the same for myself these places I work there is no respite its like abig family and whatever project you go to you will always meet people you know but I must admit I will have some vicarious fun turning up to work after ffs and hrt
I myself wont be dressing up until I have feminised considerably at work we all where the same uniforms so thats not a problem  I have no doubts I will get some ribald and friendly ribbing as rough as these people are they are also pretty down to earth so it will be baptism of fire initially which I will just have to tough out bit then after that it will  business as usual
Thanks for your input

[Steph Eigen]

Sounds like a plan.

You'll have nothing to fear for quite some time with that physique especially when combined with some intellectual horsepower!

Best,

Steph

[Drexy/Drex]

Thank you Steph
May your transition be smooth and pleasurable

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Steph.

I am a trial lawyer.  You can't get much more "alpha" than that.  So far I've been wearing slimmer cut men's suits, brighter shirts and ties, and using a fedora to hide my rapidly growing hair.  Even so, some folks seem to be noticing a little the changes in my face.  Sooner or later, there will have to be an announcement to and through the court system, and I am going to have to take that first walk into the courthouse dressed female.  But since my insurer requires that I be on HRT for six months before starting facial hair removal (that they will pay for, which is why I am waiting), and there is no way I am going to present female in court with any beard shadow on me, that event is still in the future.

I would not have wanted to do things Caitlyn Jenner style, and believe me I have thought about it.  Take three or four months off, start HRT, beard clearance, then go get FFS and body contouring, and then return to work as a girl.  My problem with that is, if I walk into a courtroom not looking like the face on my driver's license and the name on my bar card, the clerk will ask the bailiff to escort me out.

So I will have to do most of this hiding in plain sight, then around the time of FFS, start the legal work on the ID changes, and when the paper comes back, make the big announcement.  That way I don't have a court clerk saying, "Where is Mr. M___ and who are you?"

But there is no way for me to hide.  There are more than a thousand people in the court system that know my name and my face.  So I have to do this in front of everybody.

[Steph Eigen]

So Carly, how do you expect the transition for play out for you?  Sounds like a tough scenario you're facing.

Steph

[Drexy/Drex]

Yes it does I guess on the upside I would assume most of those people would reasonably educated still thats a lot of people !! However it will still take a lot of courage !

[JoanneB]

While I cannot say "Alpha" male in guy mode there is no mistaking 'Male' at 6ft tall and balding since I was like 14, know all sorts of gear head and other guy stuff aside from most things sports except NYY baseball. I have a LOT of fear about if/when a full-time social transition comes jaws will drop as well as others perception of me.

Thanks(?) to the GD I always worked long and hard to deservedly earn the respect of all my co-workers, up and down the food chain. Especially those on the production floor doing the day in day out grunt work. Impressing 'Management' types is far easier, just make them money.

If/When the day comes that I need to do a full transition, I have to have faith that a large part of the respect I earned because of my abilities will not be eradicated just because I suddenly have hair. The problems I solve, my ability to make stuff work will not change, as long as I am allowed to do what I do best.... my job

[Drexy/Drex]

JoanneB yes one would think so ...I've generally found individuals to be okay one on one its usually groups that are the problem ...gossip etc but from the sounds of it you've created a lot of good will
I don't expect to much trouble either though there is always one homophobe or transphobe however the work place laws are pretty tough here any harassment is grounds for instant dismissal
I like your sig : ) I'm at work atm

[Drexy/Drex]

Hetro,s to the left of me, gay/bi  to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with me
In the  middle of  nowhere  i have a dude half my age coming onto me .....not my cup of tea
And  a lovely woman close to my age .... er what do is say ....ummm this is not gonna work honey
Why?
Ahh um  do you like girls ? ......
Its either a feast ot a famine  meh !!!!

[SadieBlake]

Nice post, thanks for putting your thoughts out there

I've been as alpha as you describe, for me it was generally a role I adopted and I certainly used and certainly used as an element of male privilege. I learned by my mid twenties how to adopt enough of an imposing stance not so much to intimidate as to gain the confidence of self styled alpha males that I was a member of the group. It was an absolute act of passing as male.

I've now been on hrt for 9 months and compared to you I came out at the same time I started hrt with specific intent of making that the start of official RLE. I'd already begun growing my hair out in anticipation and wearing bras daily without taking special caution about getting clocked. I don't anticipate passing anytime soon however within the constraints of a substantially muscular 5'11" balding person I do what I can to soften my features and mannerisms.

Even though my testosterone has been nearly nil since January and estrogen in normal female range I've not lost any material physical strength. Where people are clocking me however are the changes in skin texture. My breasts are also now noticeable and some fat has redistributed to my hips/thighs. I can only tell that because my rock climbing harnesses are now more snug than before.

I have been moving away from masculine identified behaviors for the most part years ago so there's less visible change there.

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi SadieBlake, thanks its cathartic to put them and if someone's passing by to get their story trials and tribulations and successes.
From what ive gathered so far hrt seems to be pretty quick ...must be a pleasant surprise with the weight distribution .
I take it the RLE is in preparation for srs ?
Good luck with the hair ...I also have started growing mine ....but now I can see why I started shaving my head ...I'll have to take the plunge and get transplantation if possible and a scalp advancement ....I was prepared to go bald and just use some tattoos and head wraps etc ....but looking at my head side on ...well plainly I need hair
I'm happy to hear that strenght loss is  not to much ....I love lifting heavy but to look female ill have to drop 40 odd pounds good thing though is the body shape will fit well as I was slim  before lifting  but ive seen female  body  builders that put me to shame ....so if one thinks outside the box most things will be possible
I'm impressed with your strategy waiting  no time  no fear ! But then rock climbing is not for the faint of heart not sure  how I will handle the coming out side of things  but I've already got a decent set of pecs  so if hrt goes as fast for me  I think I will coming out whether im ready or  not
First appointment with hrt doc tomorrow ..I have to admit over the last few days I've had significant doubts ...just fear I guess but I was referred to her by the local lbgti service so she should be used to 220 pound gorillas walking through the door .....
Me myself I will have to observe my mannerisms ...and tone them down I think though I'll probably be see  as just another butch female
Which I wluld be more than happy to accept....

[SadieBlake]

A tip on strength training (I got this from s book by Alpine mountaineer Mark Tight)

Keep your strength work to sets of 2-4 reps to failure. If you want to maintain strength with minimal bulk this is the way to do it. Obviously lifting that heavy requires perfect form to avoid injury. Even more important, give adequate recovery time between strength training sessions, if you lift while still sore you build bulk more than strength. One way to do this is alternate days between upper, lower and core workouts.

There are some great sites on passing, e.g. http://superliminal.com/melinda/passingglances.htm

[Drexy/Drex]

Awsome : )  thats gold !
thanks so much : )

[Drexy/Drex]

So here I am in the waiting room....I'm so fkg nervous could only just get my name out the receptionist....it feels surreal. ...
My bloody hands are shaking ...hope I dont go in there ....and  clam up
Its actually really real to me now butterfly's like the whole seasoms worth in my stomach I haven't researched anything on conversations. ..going in cold cocked ...hmm so much for the macho bs lol
Oh well

[Dena]

Don't worry, we are all with you.

[Drexy/Drex]

Thanks Dena : )
I feel better : )

[Drexy/Drex]

Well that turned out very very well doctor was a lovely woman very perceptive took her time got me discussing all sorts of things...put me right at ease was almost a therapy session feel good now
Cost a.packet but you dont get that type of service with a government paid ten minute consultation. ..next stop therapist and blood tests ....
Get off the xnanax im down to 1/ 1/3 mg from 2mg...a word to the wise stay away from it ....

[LizK]

Well that turned out very very well doctor was a lovely woman very perceptive took her time got me discussing all sorts of things...put me right at ease was almost a therapy session feel good now
Cost a.packet but you dont get that type of service with a government paid ten minute consultation. ..next stop therapist and blood tests ....
Get off the xnanax im down to 1/ 1/3 mg from 2mg...a word to the wise stay away from it ....

Markie

That is great to hear. I am so glad the session went well. Looking forward to the next one I bet!!

Hugs
Liz