Hello, I was once a fairly active member here a few years ago when I feel like I abruptly stopped. I don't even remember if my reasons were disclosed...but that's sort of why I decided to log back in today. Because lately I don't even remember the reason. And I was hoping someone here could remind me. Whether they remember me or not.
Ok, so the story, ill try to keep it to the point.
4 years ago I started on a journey to transition to female. I dove in head first. Told everyone, friends, family, the internet. All within months of starting. Was full time everywhere but work before hormones. Had therapy. And was also a neurotic mess.
But I remember always enjoying the feeling of just being...female.
I did start hormones. As the ticker underneath my profile suggests I'd have been going strong this last four years. But in reality I hit a point of fear. Something I can't pin point now. But it was probably a culmination of feeling too old, feeling like id always be alone, that I could never afford it, and just overall that it just would never be enough. That if always feel like I had to put on my costume. That I could never just be.
And so for whatever reason I stopped. Just dropped it and left it behind. And I can recall feeling really good about it when it happened. I ahd energy. I wasn't afraid to leave the house. And more importantly didn't wonder what everyone was thinking about me. Obsessing. I decided I identified as female but didn't need to change my appearance. I never hid it. I told everyone o went through it. I enjoyed talking about it. And I felt that since I went through it and stopped id always be able to remember that if the longing came back.
Fast forward to today. I have a new better paying job. I met a wonderful girl who I proposed to. First night I met her I had told her about my past. To which she replied she thought I was a girl when she first met me. I always felt like she accepted that about me. And all the people I used to know back then. Are not in this life.
One night one of my fiancé's friends asked politely if I could show her my old pics as a female. And so I did. And the strangest thing happened. I looked at those pics and saw something I could never see back then. What I struggled and cried over for months. I saw a girl. I saw a girl I liked. I saw what I always wanted to see. And its not fair that I can see it now. I've had breakdowns at work. Because now I am full of all this regret. And self loathing for letting myself be so weak and to stop. Now four years later I feel like I could have enjoyed my 20's as that girl. A feeling I can remember. A feeling I'm longing for now.
But it's not as easy now as it was then. My fiancé is not attracted to females. She feels as if she needs to leave. My job wouldnt be so accepting. I can't bear to tell my family again. And put simply I feel too old. And I know everyone would just say its never too late. And you're never too old. And perhaps that's true. But it won't change the regret I have for the time I lost.
I've been more or less fine these few years. I don't know if it's worth losing everything to find the answers. I'm afraid of starting again only to realize I stopped for a good reason and to stop again. And have lost it all in the process. But I'm also afraid of continuing to ignore it and lose more time than I already have. I'm on a waiting list for therapy once again. Although I know no one has the answer to this but me.
I hope this is a good place to post this. Feeling lost.
