Actually, I'm more sane than I've ever been before. Although, i was certified insane before. I actually spent a year in a mental institution before. Yay, craziness!
So, yeah, not transitioning made me pretty insane. Really insane. Really depressed. I actually died for about two minutes when I tried to kill myself, but then I was brought back to life by the doctors, and then put into an institution for a while. Yayness!
But, now that I'm being who I am I'm very stable. I see a psychiatrist constantly, and they've monitored me a lot through the process. I've had to make sure that this is the right direction for me, and they had to triple check me to make sure that I know that it's right for me. I've gone through more therapy regarding my trans issues that anyone else I know.
Since starting full time, life has been great. I'm not depressed like I was. I'm not manic like I was. I still got the bipolar, but it's very mild compared to what it used to be. I might be a bit weird and have a weird sense of humour, but it's not insaneness. The doctors wouldn't of given me SRS letters if they thought I was insane. Both are from a psychiatrist, the highest you can go.
I have known people, however, who have gone insane after transitioning. It's weird, the go insane and I go sane.
--natalie
Posted on: November 02, 2007, 09:43:43 PM
I don't want to scare people that they "might" go insane -- the people I've seen go nuts were people usually had a lot of life issues that they didn't resolve. People who work on their issues, on their own or with a therapist, generally transition more smoothly and are less prone to trans-regret. The people I've known who've gone nuts-o didn't see therapists, had a lot of problems outside of just transitioning, and realized that transitioning wasn't going to fix everything in there life... there problems would still be there even after surgery.
Some people also focus so much on transitioning that that's all the talk about day-to-day. It's there main focus in life. It's there identity. These are the people you know nothing about other than there trans issues. Then they go get surgery, experience a high for a while, and then all of a sudden a low and a "now what feeling."
Now, there's nothing wrong talking about transitioning or trans issues. Especially when one is starting out, they want to know everything. There's a difference between taking about issues and concerns and learning about your condition, verses being obsessed about it every waking moment. Life is more than transitioning and surgery. Yes, those two things are important and part of the transsexual experience, but it's not your entire life and your identity.
Personally, I've been working hard on many of my issues. I worked on my issues before I even touched HRT or went full-time. I worked hard at making sure that transitioning and surgery was right for me. As I'm approaching surgery I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting, and making sure that this is something I want. It's a major surgery that shouldn't be taken lightly. Besides searching myself, I look at the complications and the risks -- I ask my self if I had one of those how would I feel and how I would handle it. I hope, and expect, that I won't have those complications, but there is always a chance. I've also gone over what few regret stories I could find on the internet, studying them and seeing why some people might go through all of this and then regret it.
There is one girl that I know who was in transition for a while. She's one of the first people I've met in person. It was very sad to see what she went through, not listening to people, and not taking care of her other life issues... instead, they were on the back burner. And, sorry to say, she also started taking drugs, lost her children, took more drugs, failed the drug tests, but she also failed to clean up her act. She kept playing the trans discrimination card, when her issues had nothing to do with it. She went into surgery believing that somehow everything would be fixed, and some how once it was done and over things would work out magically.
After her surgery, she felt a high. But that didn't last long. All of the issues she put off were still there, staring her in her face. She vanished for a while, but called me a while ago. I couldn't understand a word she was saying. She was on drugs again, depressed, and I wasn't sure what she was talking about. It was a very sad phone call. I didn't know where she called from. Nothing I could do could save her. The police couldn't even find her (which apparently she's running away from for some reason, apparently, but I don't know what from).
I don't know if she's still alive.
In a way I'm glad that I experienced that, but at the same time I feel very sad for her. She's a good person who had a messed up life. There was nothing I could do.
It was a very sad case to witness. It was very emotional. At the end it I couldn't feel anything, I was drained. I knew nothing I could say or do could save her. It was a harsh reality to witness.
I only hope that if she's okay. I know she's not healthy. She didn't take care of her self after transition. I know she went back and forth to the hospital with major infections and problems. A lesson that taking care of yourself afterwards is very important, so very important.
As for successful transitions, I have several friends that are post-op. One friend is post up five years. She's successful, owns her own salon now, and enjoys her life. She worked hard to be where she is now. She worked out her issues and realized that getting a vagina doesn't fix everything (but yes, it helps you to feel more comfortable with yourself). Other post-ops I know are great people, who are happy, and do not regret there transition.
I'm also very glad that I've seen success cases. And, in fact, more than one success case. These are my friends. People I know. Wonderful genuine friends.
In these examples I've learned a lot. I've learned through others mistakes, others successes, and my own journey (I have my fair share of goof-ups ad well as successes, everyone does).
Seeing real life trans-regret and trans-success was a poignant lesson for me. Burned into my memory, there to learn from.
My last post had my weird humour in it, but this one is serious. No, taking HRT or transitioning isn't going to make you crazy -- the only one that makes one crazy is herself/himself by not listening to the wisdom and examples of those who have gone before us. People sometimes transition for the wrong reasons. Some people transition lightly, not realizing it's not a merry-go-round, but a rough roller coaster ride.
Being a woman isn't fun. It's a lot of work. It's a different world. Your life isn't going to be easier if you are a woman; your problems and internal issues aren't going to vanish. People aren't always going to respect you as a woman, or even call you a woman. People can be mean.
And yes, there are good things about a woman's world, but honestly, getting a door held open for you shouldn't be the reason you transition.
Being a woman is who I am. That's why I transitioned. I tried other options before, many options, including a successful suicide (I died on the table for about two mins before I was brought back). When I came back I realized that maybe there was a purpose to everything, and avoiding the issue wasn't going to solve anything, but only lead me into the grave.
I've been living full-time for over a year, and I'll have to say that I'm a much happier person. Sure, I have my up and down days. Sure, things aren't always easy, but sometimes things are great. It's life. For the first time in my life I feel normal. SRS is important to me but not taking lightly. I know the reality of it, what it will do for me and what it will not, as well as the after care and pain I can expect.
As a woman my scariest moment was three months into being full-time and hormones. I was working a grave yard shift at a convenience store, and I went to throw out the trash like we normally do at night. But as I got our there a man pinned me against the wall, his dirty hands rushing all over me, the smell of alchol on his breath as he slurred and tried to clumblsy undo his belt. I felt frozen. This is something I've never had to worry about or think about before. I was lucky that I had enough strength back then to push him away and escape back in the store.
My co-employee thought it was funny because I'm a trans girl. He laughed for an hour that night, called his friends, and told customers as I cried in the back room. I never felt so scared. I never felt so violated. Welcome to womanhood.
My manager who came in that morning suggested that maybe if I just didn't look like a "girl" I wouldn't be attacked like that. I was wearing work clothes, I had very conservative make up on. I wasn't asking to be raped. And certainly, I didn't deserve that because I'm a "woman" and on top of that, "a transsexual woman." I was astonished that someone would say that... that I was asking for it.
And that's the reality of that.
My most memorable and happy moment as being a woman was when I marched in Take Back the Night. That night meant a lot to me because I've experienced violence against woman first hand -- I was a victim of it. The sisterhood I felt that night was something I never felt before. I was home. I connected with other woman on a level that I don't think I could have before. I knew what it was like to be a woman -- I was a woman. I don't even know how to explain it in words. I cried that night, too, but with tears of joy and a sense of connection.
Being a woman is something that runs deeper than make-up, genitals, voice, actions and attitude. It's who you are, and you connect with other woman in a way that is a sense of understanding. It was a beautiful moment for me, and a deep moment as well. Before and after the march we listed to stories about violence against woman, the tears and pain, but also the determination not to be beaten down. We, as woman, would stand up. I looked around and realize that where I have been many of my sisters have also been. I finally understood, I finally connected, I finally knew that yes, I'm a woman and no one can take that away from me. This is who I am, and I'm proud of that.
Anyway, sorry for the long post. It's late, so I hope that made sense. It's a little more serious than I usually write, but sometimes writing serious things is okay.
--natalie
