Irony

[Michelle_P]

I recently went through a weekend where I told my two older children about myself, my true nature, and what was currently happening to me. (I'm on HRT and am transitioning.).  That was followed with The Other Talk, the one where my wife and youngest 25 year old daughter who lives with us demanded to know EXACTLY what I would be doing and laid down their policy statement; That if I am presenting female I May Not Live Here.

They can't stand the idea of even seeing me as myself.  My dear wife said that she loves me, but I can't do THAT and remain here.  She can't stand the idea.  Oh, transphobia to be sure, and I strongly suspect she is worried about social embarrassment and losing status with her friends.  I'll still be myself, of course, although my appearance will change.

The morning after The Other Talk, she woke with some soreness in her neck, and her left eye and left upper lip were having a little movement problem, s slight numbness.  I checked some other things and ruled out a small stroke, probably just a pinched cranial nerve. I suggested she take an anti inflammatory and use a warm compress, then went off to my therapy session.

As I left the therapist's office, I received a text message.  She had gotten worse, and the numbness covered the whole left side of her face.   I suggested she have our daughter take her at once to the ER or Urgent Care Clinic at the local medical center (Both are set up to handle stroke patients, in case it was that.)  I was about 45 minutes away.   I met them at the medical center after stripping down my appearance to more or less male so as to not upset them.

After a fun several hours of blood tests, poking and prodding, and a trip through the CT scanner stroke was ruled out, and the differential diagnosis was Bell's Palsy, a usually temporary paralysis of one side of the face caused by a viral infection affecting the seventh cranial nerve. The virus is typically the same one that causes cold sores, a real nuisance.   She was prescribes a potent anti inflammatory and and an antiviral compound, along with an eye ointment for a small infection, and care instructions relating to the medications as well as eye care involving eye drops and tape to hold the left eye shut at night.

She can't handle eye drops, so I've been giving them to her, while she clutches at me and moans.  I tape her eye closed at night, something else she has trouble with, and have been counting out and monitoring her meds to make sure she sticks with them.

The paralysis typically lingers for several weeks, so she has to deal with this as part of her life now.   Her biggest concern is that people won't like her any more, or will think she is ugly and shun her.  I've been telling her that people who actually care for her won't be put off by a change in appearance.  She is still herself, in spite of her appearance having changed, and the people who really care for her can see beyond her appearance, and know that she is still herself, the person that they care for, in spite of any recent changes.

The irony of this is utterly lost on her, of course.

God is an iron.

[islandgirl]

Sorry to hear about your plight and that of your wife. I know that my mother in law had Bell's Palsy. She had fears similar to your wife's. Everyone told her the same message that you gave your wife. I think that different people have differing levels of recovery. She is lucky that she has you there to help her out.

I hope that over time both your wife and daughter will accept Michelle. Difficult decisions to be made.

Hugs,
Kelly

[Cindy]

I am so sorry to hear that she is in pain and worried about things that are frightening to many if not all of us. Maybe you can use this in a positive way demonstrating yet again your support for her while being you?

[Virginia Hall]

. . .  The Other Talk, the one where my wife and youngest 25 year old daughter who lives with us demanded to know EXACTLY what I would be doing and laid down their policy statement; That if I am presenting female I May Not Live Here.

Are you saying you are forbidden to live in your own house? Or are you just visiting and your real house is elsewhere? Have you been living off your 25-year-old daughter who pays 100% of the rent and all the other household bills?

Who gives a rat's a** about the neighbors and what they think. They did not walk down the aisle with you and exchanges vows. And what exactly were those vows? Traditional vows don't say, "Only in health, only for richer, only for better, until the neighbors say otherwise or my marriage stops having something in it for me."

A friend was distraught when her wife laid down the law. "I didn't sign up for this!" Oh yes you did! My friend didn't sign up for it, either. And when the wife had breast cancer, she didn't go ask the neighbors what to do nor did she abandon her wife who has a complete mastectomy--no longer the woman she married. "When I married, I signed up for a two breasted woman."

Sorry to get so worked up. You sound like a loving and decent person. Time to call bullpucky on those ultimatums.

[Michelle_P]

Cindy and Kelly: I'm trying to be as supportive of her as possible.  Unlike me, the physical manifestation of her medical problem can't be hidden as needed.  (And I really can't hide for more than about 24 hours now, or I get serious problems.)  I've always been there for her, and will continue to be while we are married.

I hope eventually she sees the flip side of this, but if not I am prepared for the changes.

Virginia: I definitely signed up for 'richer or poorer, in sickness and in health'.  Alas, she didn't, it seems.  I'm just glad I found out before something really bad happened to me.

I can understand that she doesn't really want a lesbian relationship, but I thought that since she decided 'no more sex' a decade back with the onset of menopause that the existing platonic relationship could continue.  (I pretty much lost interest sexually about that time, from my own issues and prostate disease that made the act painful.)

We are jointly the homeowners, and as I am retired with no pension, we live off of returns from joint investment accounts.  That is, all income is joint income.  Our youngest daughter lives with us, and has been in school.  She is now completing professional licensing requirements, and should have a job shortly.  I'm hoping she moves out on her own or with a roommate, as otherwise if she remains with my wife her further development and emotional independence will be stunted.  (My mother essentially kept my youngest brother as a pet until he was 35 and she passed away.  He's utterly dysfunctional.  I don't want to see that happen again.)

The ultimatum nonsense cuts both ways.  If she decides she wants me out of the house, she'll have to buy out my half of the property.  That means divorce, and due to the way California law works, it will essentially be a 50/50 split of the assets and minor debt. Alimony?  I haven't had personal income in 8 years.  She worked until a few weeks ago, but I won't press for alimony if she doesn't.

I won't have any trouble surviving on my half, but she is clueless regarding finances, and will likely ignore my suggestions in favor of handing her half over to the same charming 'advisor' her sister and mother use, a fellow who sells lots of high front-end load stuff with huge expenses and 12b-1 fees.  I've doubled our net worth over the past 8 years very safely while drawing living expenses, using a small set of low expense index funds. This goniff has shrunk my sister-in-law and mother-in-law's portfolio over the same period. Yeah, a negative rate of return during one of the greatest bull markets ever.

I'll push for a mediated divorce, as that gives us both the greatest chance of a reasonable settlement.  Arbitration tends to give neither party what they want, and trial divorce is insanely expensive and a complete crapshoot in terms of results.

I'm going to have another really strange year, aren't I?   

[LizK]

Irony...I think when we transition our lives become full of it. People who we always thought were "clued" up can make the craziest assumptions.

It sounds a bit like you see the writing on the wall and divorce is where it is all heading. I am not advocating the split of any relationship but there comes a time when moving on is the only option. I am in a similar position with my parents, I wrote them a very loving and gentle letter explaining that I need to move on and they can come with me or they can stay. Staying may means that we won't have much contact or really any kind of relationship apart from superficial. It wasn't an ultimatum but more like, well if this happens, then that will happen as a consequence

I feel like you and I are similar in that you have to be who you are despite that it may end in divorce for you, sometimes it feels like we have to constantly justify our own right to live as ourselves.

I understand that your wife who is straight does not want a lesbian relationship.You are in similar situation to me, sex was off the table years ago and has not been a feature of your or my married lives for many years, I was not instigator of this. We have a strong loving relationship and I have to say it works for us in fact its our anniversary 29 years today. She has her worries and concerns but even she has realised this "new" me is not so much "new" as just different.

I think we all hope that the people we cherish will have that "Ahaaa" moment when it comes to understanding us and what we need. I guess we live in hope that one day they will "get it". I hope your wife does come round to understanding and it doesn't end the way you think it might.

Feel Free to PM me if you want to chat anytime

Hugs

Liz

[EmilyMK03]

The paralysis typically lingers for several weeks, so she has to deal with this as part of her life now.   Her biggest concern is that people won't like her any more, or will think she is ugly and shun her.  I've been telling her that people who actually care for her won't be put off by a change in appearance.  She is still herself, in spite of her appearance having changed, and the people who really care for her can see beyond her appearance, and know that she is still herself, the person that they care for, in spite of any recent changes.

Your wife is weird.  If someone suffers an injury through no fault of their own, and will fully recover, both of which seem to be true in this case, why would she be concerned about what people think?  She can simply explain the medical issue and that she's undergoing treatment.  And that should be the end of it.  Why would people shun her?  Is the company that she keeps that superficial?  Geez...

[JoanneB]

I doubt no one loves irony better then me but...

Irony, or... Divine Retribution?

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Elizabeth.  Yes, we just had our 39th anniversary.  I thought we were just comfortable with each other, and I had this fantasy of continuing to be comfortable as roommates and girlfriends, just as platonic as before.  Alas, she's very insecure and can't stand the idea of actually seeing me changed.  I was surprised that she appears willing to lose everything she has with me to avoid seeing that change.  She had told me last week that with transition I would lose my entire family.  I don't quite think that will happen now, but if I do, well, I will have to build a new family with people that know and accept me as Michelle.

Emily, she really is that insecure.  She was afraid her own mother (a retired social psychologist) would reject her because of the facial paralysis.  Her close friends all seem understanding, and I'm trying to support her and convince her that people will still like her in spite of her appearance.

It would be nice if she would come around and 'get it', that I'm ME, and that my presentation, while different, doesn't change me, but simply makes me infinitely more comfortable with myself.  All she's had to interact with the past several weeks has been pure Michelle, right down to posture and voice. (And wardrobe... )  She just hasn't seen the hair and makeup.  OK, that's probably more than a "just"...

If I'm not to be seen by them, not to live with them, not to be identified by their friends, well, I don't see how that can be done without a divorce.  Perhaps she has a fantasy where I move out, stay married, live in an apartment somewhere, but still take care of the finances, and perhaps when they are out of the house, come in to do the cooking, cleaning, and laundry.  Not Going To Happen.

[LizK]

Michelle

I think that is a terribly sad outcome for you.

I have just finished reading Jenny Boylan's Book She's not there and one of the many things she talks about is this idea that transition is not going to bring about a totally different person. Where in actual fact the reality is that it is the same person without the hang-ups...or as my daughter keeps reminding me...same nut, different wrapper. I recommend the book and am sure you will find yourself nodding along as you read. 

One of the things that really resonated with me was having to "dress down" which I had course to do for the first time in my transition last weekend at my wife's family get together for my mother in laws 87th Birthday. I really didn't think to much about it and what impact if any it would have on me. Then it was done and I was upset and annoyed with myself until I realised what these horrible feelings were that I was experiencing and what was causing them...I felt like I was stripping away layers of me away...not a nice feeling

I hope if you do have to go down the divorce track it is relatively quick and painless.

Take Care

Liz

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Liz!

Yes, "dressing down", or dressing against our gender identity really can hurt. I'm convinced that besides the obvious discomfort with a "wrong " presentation there is additional psychic damage from moving back and forth.  That makes living a double life extremely tough on us, which directly drives my decision to move to full time ASAP.


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[islandgirl]

These are difficult times for you Michelle! I know that when I came out to my SO, I agreed to go androgynous as far as clothing goes. This worked for a while, but I found that I could not even look at my old male clothes. I started to replace and donate all of them. Soon I just could not look 'back'. This period was a difficult one for us as a couple. We have been together for over 45 years. We had to have many discussions as to feelings and expectations. My SO is very supportive of me. She still went through and is still going through changes that were and are huge for her. There were times that I thought 'That is it! It is over.' For us it did not end, just changed. Our relationship is one of friendship and shared life. We are at the point of being two girls sharing a life, best friends, parents, and house mates. That first year, especially, was very difficult. It is getting better with each passing month. I did make a conscious decision to take little steps at first to give my partner time to process. I started out walking, then jogged, and then sprinted!

I do hope that your partner will come around. Kids can take time as well. I know you know all this so I a repeating things. Sometimes kids reactions are based on their perceived need to support the 'other' parent. As difficult as it may be, keeping the doors of communication is important.  This does not mean that you should hang in there at all cost. Only you know when and if you will need to make a decision as to your status. This change will not negate your role as parent and so helping your daughter understand will be still necessary.

All the Best! Hugs
Kelly

[Steph7]

I want to start by saying I have no advice to share, but as awful as this sounds I am glad I am not the only one in this boat.

Same story really - and like you all I know I have to progress forward, but it is really hard sometimes when you feel like you are walking on egg shells.

And thank you to everyone for sharing - it really helps to know I am not alone.

Kind regards
Steph

[Michelle_P]

Stephen, you're definitely not alone.  That's why Susan and her crew put this place together.  We all share some common bonds and experience.  I choose to share mine, partly to help me clarify my own thoughts, and to share my experience with others.

Together perhaps we can all avoid the worst mistakes, the rocky shoals that can wreck us and interrupt our voyage forward.

Hugs
Michelle

[Sophia Sage]

Sometimes it's for the best -- most of the time, people who knew you from before won't be able to fully accept you for who you really are.  Which, in turn, will lead to misgendering, and hence more dysphoria.  These are people who must be left behind.

Not easy.