Feel ahead of myself

[Nuuni]

I keep reading all these people here who start coming out after they've been on HRT awhile.. I'm feeling like I am a bit lost?
I am now a year since a counselor started advising me that I should try HRT. I am finally getting my first appointment with someone who can prescribe HRT without a lot of archaic demands for months of full time female presentation first with demands that I fit proper profiles and rants that they want to weed out the people looking for estrogen for "bad reasons". In the meanwhile, I have gone from "Yeah, lets see if that helps" to "AARGH WHY WON'T YOU MOVE I WANT MY OWN BODY WAAAH".
I tried exploding my closet with social media and all it did was make it so that I no longer have any idea whether people are being jerks or just clueless. Today I was stressed out because of car problems and money issues and I threw on a skirt because I just couldn't deal with it while piloting a skin vehicle by remote control on top of everything else, because my plans were basically to be either in the house or home most of the day other than an early morning talk with my doctor about my last blood tests.
I get out of the appointment and my dad, who has been on proverbial rafting vacation deep in Egypt, is in the lobby. He stares at my skirt and I could almost read the ellipses off of a thought balloon over his head. I dread that this will be the point he realizes this is real and gets upset by it.
Then somehow I end up going to two different supermarkets. Oh, and stopping by the clinic again looking for someone whose office is upstairs, and coming down the elevator to encounter my conservative "confused, check plumbing" raging cousin. Who seemed polite enough but...? And having my stepdaughter (who uses "she", "mom", and "your grandma" when talking to her baby, which she does all the time) all but lay into me for considering taking the skirt off at the store. I had jeggings on under it so it wouldn't even have been going drab per se.
Meanwhile, I feel like yuck because my body still doesn't do what I expect it to and I have basically nothing to clock as transgender.
I don't even know what the question is exactly other than that I feel exasperated and confused and I don't know if there's anything I should be doing to make things a bit more sane and sensible for me, or if I have made errors somewhere, or... Or what. I feel like this is so awkward right now.

[Dena]

Sometimes it seems like you are in a no win scenario and I think that's what you are feeling. You feel you are not moving but you are moving slowly. Starting HRT and presenting will help greatly but it will take a little time to get there. Just hang on a little longer and it will get better.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Nuuni,
   I don't mean this to be offensive, but you do seem to need a direction. Could you work with the therapist to figure out a plan of how best to proceed. Sometimes we run around in circles and stress out because we don't take the steps we need to. Taking positive steps relieves anxiety. Having a plan gives you a feel for the big picture. Ever make a list and check things off as you get them done? It feels good to be able see what you have done when you check things off the list. It makes for less wasted energy also.
Monica
Oh, once you have your plan, it won't stress you out when you see how others have transitioned. Just find what is right for you and stick with it.

[Nuuni]

Well, I don't actually know what I need to plan or what such a plan would look like. That's a big reason why I feel stressed. I don't know what I am doing or what I need to do and I am not sure how to figure it out.

[HappyMoni]

Maybe it is a worth a bit of experimentation until you see what makes you feel more comfortable. Coming on this site is a good step. You can see what others do, what they go through. You can ask questions and see what might be possible. Explore what you feel. The impression I got from you is that you are not really happy with how things are now.
Do you see it as a possibility to talk to a therapist? They could maybe help clarify things.
Monica

[Dena]

Is your goal surgery or something else? The following list are things you might consider but feel free to add or subtract from the list.
Assistance with dress.
Assistance with makeup.
Assistance with hair.
Hair removal.
Mannerism.
Voice.
Issues with family or friends.
Questions about HRT.
Difficulty appearing in public.
Confusion about where you really fit in.

Ask about any of them and I am sure somebody will be happy to suggest solutions.

[Nuuni]

Well, I have a couple of pieces of clothes so far that I generally like, but no cohesive fashion yet. I still want a couple specific things. No budget for clothes until my immediate transportation emergency is cleared up.
Women around me do not use much makeup. It makes it a bit harder to figure out what I need. I get help from my daughter, but I have to get a better idea of what I need, and I can't really tell.
My hair is still not long enough on the sides to stop being dysphoric, I tried a couple things with it with mixed success. It's sort've a failure of self image problem.
Hair removal is not yet in the budget. I want to deal with the shadow on my upper lip mostly. Chest hair I don't know, I shave it and my husband gets annoyed at the scruff. My hair everywhere is fine and on the light, reddish side that doesn't stand out well.
I have no idea what to do for mannerisms. Mostly a bunch just started coming out, but I'm open to any advice how to learn that in a less clumsy way.
I am almost always ma'am-ed on the phone and I am told I have a lovely voice. Keeping the pitch from roaming is still an issue, mostly a practice one I suspect.
Family and friends... Uuugh. I don't actually have local friends, mostly just family. My brother and his family go out of their way to get my pronouns right; my mom bought me dresses and makeup and aggressively calls me "he" and "my son" and has tiny anxiety attacks if I mention estrogen. My dad goes out of his way to call me a "man" and my husband "woman", in spite of me coming out and trying to explain it earlier. I haven't had the energy to argue with him on it lately.
I'm somewhat out at work. My husband works there too and is out, and contemplating how to roll out his chosen name. HR backs us.
The only questions I have on HRT are ones that I will only know when I get them.. Which I expect to happen next Friday. I'm horribly disassociated and I don't know who I am yet.
Which is a big part behind my reluctance to appear in public even though I haven't actually been totally drab all week.
Which puts me at a loss what to do next.. Or what I need to do.

[HappyMoni]

Is it possible to pick a couple of things and work on them. Take some pressure off yourself. I always say, "I'm a work in progress." I don't worry about everything being perfect right away. It's kind of cool to just work on getting better with stuff.
Monica

[Sandboxed]

I don't even know what the question is exactly other than that I feel exasperated and confused and I don't know if there's anything I should be doing to make things a bit more sane and sensible for me, or if I have made errors somewhere, or... Or what. I feel like this is so awkward right now.

I know how you feel, and it sounds like you've had a rough start
That must be really frustrating.
It doesn't sound like the people in your life are having an easy time with your decision, and sadly most of us face this as well.
I admire your courage though, you seem to be determined to get through this and free yourself.
Just remember this is your decision in the end. If your HRT doctor is putting up resistance for more than a couple visits without good explanation: move on. If you're asking your normal PCP to help you with HRT, they might not be able to.
Just remember to stay positive and remember why this decision makes you happy. Don't let anyone drag you down into negativity.
I really hope you make some progress