In the closet to my own gay brother, need some advice

Sinclair · September 27, 2016, 08:39:49 PM

My brother came out gay when we were teens and I was always cool with that because I knew i had a little secret of my own. But, he's into the macho, build muscle, tattoo, gay circle. He wants another tattoo, I want a new dress. He wants to maximize his maleness, I want to get rid of mine. I'm afraid he will reject me because I'm going in the opposite direction, even though we belong to the same larger LGBTQ community. Anyone else have any experiences in this? I appreciate your input. That's some personal info I usually don't share, but I'm starting to trust this group.

Dena · September 27, 2016, 09:46:16 PM

A macho attitude isn't and indication that somebody isn't accepting. My roommate worked for TWA and some of her coworkers who were macho turned out to be the most supportive when she was transitioning. I have a suggestion and that is you could sound your brother out. If he attends LGBTQ events, you might ask what he thinks of the TQ of the group. Hopefully he will be accepting.

Sinclair · September 27, 2016, 10:10:20 PM

Quote from: Dena on September 27, 2016, 09:46:16 PM
A macho attitude isn't and indication that somebody isn't accepting. My roommate worked for TWA and some of her coworkers who were macho turned out to be the most supportive when she was transitioning. I have a suggestion and that is you could sound your brother out. If he attends LGBTQ events, you might ask what he thinks of the TQ of the group. Hopefully he will be accepting.

I thought about that, and it's a good suggestion. Perhaps I could say to him, I have friend, co-worker that is TQ, and I really like her. What do you think? He's my older brother so he's always been the alpha. Even as openly gay he's always been "the man" ... mechanic, car nut, etc. It's just always been very intimidating for me because I have always seen myself as a girl. And the fact when I see him, which is not often, I have to deconstruct myself ... nail polish off, no makeup, hair in a pony tail, and hide my breasts.

Nuuni · September 28, 2016, 02:10:19 AM

You... aren't your brother?
I mean, he loves masculinity, or at least appears to. You support that.
But you aren't required to be a copy of your brother. There's every likelihood that he would be totally fine with his sister being his foil. He loves his manly stuff, you are happy that he does, your interests lie.. elsewhere. Why would he feel it necessary for YOU to be manly? How does he react when you trend away from manliness? If you just.. don't act masculine in front of him, how does he react? You're still supporting HIS manliness, after all.

KathyLauren · September 28, 2016, 06:41:35 AM

I think that most of the machismo in the gay community is a form of theatre. I don't think the majority of gay men who project that image are in the same category as macho redneck hillbillies.

Sound him out, as Dena suggests, and see how open he is to the idea of trans people. You may find that you have a strong ally.

My gay older brother was the third person I came out to. He is strongly in my corner, and volunteered to begin calling my Kathy without being asked. 🙂

FTMDiaries · September 28, 2016, 08:53:41 AM

I agree about sounding him out, but do be aware that there's a lot of transphobia in certain sections of the gay community. As a member of both communities, it saddens me greatly - but it is the reality a lot of us face.

At a recent trans pride event I got into an argument with a cis gay guy who didn't realise I'm trans (I pass 100%) and he kept moaning about how trans people are just a bunch of whiny extra-special snowflakes who are only doing it for attention. Sadly, this isn't an isolated incident. I tried explaining to him that the things he was saying about trans people are the same things people were saying about gay people back in the 1980s, but he was too young & too drunk for that to sink in.

I hope your brother is more understanding, but please be aware that just because someone is LGB, doesn't necessarily mean they accept the T. It might be helpful to prepare some information for him, just in case you need it. But as long as he loves you, he'll come round no matter what.

It might be better to just play it straight (pardon the pun): sit him down & tell him you've been struggling with your gender, have decided to transition & need his continued love, support and understanding.

Pisces228 · September 28, 2016, 09:38:16 AM

My older brother is gay. I came out as gay when I was 17 and he came out at 25. He is 2 years older than me. I have always presented as effeminate and have become increasingly androgynous over the years, so when I told him I was trans he wasn't too shocked. I did, however, pry a little bit and talked about trans issues and asked his opinion. When I saw that he was furious over HB2 here in NC and how trans people are being treated for using the correct bathroom I realized he was supportive and he has been wonderful.

Sinclair · September 28, 2016, 08:32:34 PM

Quote from: FTMDiaries on September 28, 2016, 08:53:41 AM
I agree about sounding him out, but do be aware that there's a lot of transphobia in certain sections of the gay community. As a member of both communities, it saddens me greatly - but it is the reality a lot of us face.

At a recent trans pride event I got into an argument with a cis gay guy who didn't realise I'm trans (I pass 100%) and he kept moaning about how trans people are just a bunch of whiny extra-special snowflakes who are only doing it for attention. Sadly, this isn't an isolated incident. I tried explaining to him that the things he was saying about trans people are the same things people were saying about gay people back in the 1980s, but he was too young & too drunk for that to sink in.

I hope your brother is more understanding, but please be aware that just because someone is LGB, doesn't necessarily mean they accept the T. It might be helpful to prepare some information for him, just in case you need it. But as long as he loves you, he'll come round no matter what.

It might be better to just play it straight (pardon the pun): sit him down & tell him you've been struggling with your gender, have decided to transition & need his continued love, support and understanding.

Thank you for pointing out some of my concerns that I was not comfortable stating. And yes, I'm going to take Dena's advice. 🙂 Here's hoping ... I'll post what happens.

Sinclair · September 29, 2016, 10:28:50 PM

So, I just talked to my brother on the phone. I mentioned that I had a new client who was trans M-F and she was asking my advice on how to present in group session, as M or F. I also told him the I have a macho gay male in the group. (Yes, i have a job where I do have clients and we meet in groups). He said as long as she is reasonably presentable, she should present as female. And, that the macho gay guy should have no problem with that, and that she should be who she thinks she is. Ok, but, this blows my mind, he was not aware of the LGBTQ label, only the LGB label. Since we were talking about a trans person, he figured out the T but asked me what was the Q. He also said he knows of no trans people and does not hang out with them. I asked him if he had a party at his house and a trans person showed up, how would he feel. He said he would accept them. But, his tone and no enthusiasm for the trans community disappointed me. Even though he said he would accept them, the attitude was very blah. So, will not be opening up to him anytime soon.

I need a hug ... 🙁

Dena · September 29, 2016, 10:34:59 PM

You have a far better place to start than many of the people on the site. Often the reaction is flat out rejection. It's possible your brother will be more accepting when he learns the truth about you.

FTMDiaries · September 30, 2016, 06:15:21 AM

Quote from: Sinclair on September 29, 2016, 10:28:50 PM

I need a hug ...

One virtual hug coming right up.

To be honest, his response was actually quite positive. From your description it doesn't sound like he was negative about trans people; rather, it sounds like he's unaware of any trans people within his circle so he doesn't have a lot of interest or experience in people he doesn't know. That doesn't mean he'll reject you; it just means he hasn't yet had a chance to really get to know you (or anyone else who's trans). He did sound accepting though - and that's the best start any of us can hope for.

I'd recommend continuing along the gentle path you're taking, working your way up to coming out properly: you've sounded him out with this query about a client; next you could tell him you've been struggling with your own gender; and then finally you could tell him about your transition. I'm quietly confident that he'll accept you; he just needs time (and information) to teach him about what it means to be trans in general... and what it means to be you in particular.

I say go for it!

Sinclair · September 30, 2016, 08:40:38 PM

Quote from: FTMDiaries on September 30, 2016, 06:15:21 AM
One virtual hug coming right up.

To be honest, his response was actually quite positive. From your description it doesn't sound like he was negative about trans people; rather, it sounds like he's unaware of any trans people within his circle so he doesn't have a lot of interest or experience in people he doesn't know. That doesn't mean he'll reject you; it just means he hasn't yet had a chance to really get to know you (or anyone else who's trans). He did sound accepting though - and that's the best start any of us can hope for.

I'd recommend continuing along the gentle path you're taking, working your way up to coming out properly: you've sounded him out with this query about a client; next you could tell him you've been struggling with your own gender; and then finally you could tell him about your transition. I'm quietly confident that he'll accept you; he just needs time (and information) to teach him about what it means to be trans in general... and what it means to be you in particular.

I say go for it!

Thx for the VH.

Yes, I'm going to continue to sound him out, and he'll figure it out, if not already, that I'm talking about me. Although I talk to him on the phone quite a bit, I only see him in person a few times a year. So, the last time I saw him was this past Wednesday and I didn't feel the vibe was right, so I called him later instead. But, he can't help but notice my hair is longer and wavy, I have manicured nails, clean legs (was wearing shorts), and my breasts stick out of t-shirts. I love that, nothing makes me smile more than seeing breast size increases. I'm doing NBE, which takes time, I get surgery is more impressive. But, I like my natural perky little A cups!

Sinclair · September 30, 2016, 08:43:16 PM

Quote from: Dena on September 29, 2016, 10:34:59 PM
You have a far better place to start than many of the people on the site. Often the reaction is flat out rejection. It's possible your brother will be more accepting when he learns the truth about you.

I agree. 🙂

DaniValentine · October 04, 2016, 01:44:45 PM

I agre with others, find out his stance on trans people first. A lot of the lgb community wants nothing to do with trans people.

Sinclair · October 04, 2016, 09:29:43 PM

Quote from: DaniValentine on October 04, 2016, 01:44:45 PM
I agre with others, find out his stance on trans people first. A lot of the lgb community wants nothing to do with trans people.

I agree, he's in the macho GLB community and one of the reasons I like this site is that I feel safe here. Some of the other sites I visit don't take transgendered people seriously. Well, I can say I'm pretty serious about who I am and I have known that I am a girl since I was 12. I'm still talking with him, we'll see.