Coming out - Family and College

[VVolfcub]

Hi, I'm Gray and I'm FTM, I've been homeschooling for 8 months now (UK), I left school because I was extremely anxious, depressed and tired of being called she/birthname. But I told my Dad it was because I disliked school and felt like I was being held back (not true), because I didn't want to tell him the real reasons. Anyways, now he wants me to join our local college because I can take my GCSE's for free there, but I can't go back to feeling tortured every time someone calls me by she/birthname. I would like to start college but only if I present as male, but I'm scared to come out to my Dad because I've heard him say horrible things about trans people. I know I could probably secretly present as male at college but eventually the secret would catch up with me, so I think it would be better to tell him before. But how do I tell him without him reacting negatively?

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(I've known I'm FTM for 4yrs now(I'm 15) and I can't move in with my Mum for other reasons).

[Jacqueline]

What a tough spot to be in. I can't really tell you what to do. I can suggest that the sooner you tell your father, the sooner he will come to accept.

I would suggest that you might want to be prepared to tell him how you know. How you feel that leads you to this. If there is a way to help him understand from his perspective and for how long this has been an issue, it might help.

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[kanad3]

Try watching a movie or a show with him that you know has a transgender actress in it? That way you can see if he's gonna be a bitch.

[Sophia Sage]

If Dad is financing college, it might be better to avoid telling him until you're done with college.  In the meantime, you can start learning to compartmentalize your life. 

[VVolfcub]

If Dad is financing college, it might be better to avoid telling him until you're done with college.  In the meantime, you can start learning to compartmentalize your life. 

In England, college is free and I've already been compartmentalizing my life but I'm fed up of hiding.

[Sophia Sage]

In England, college is free and I've already been compartmentalizing my life but I'm fed up of hiding.

In that case, if there aren't any material reasons to compartmentalize, and considering how young you are, you might as well just go for it.

Coming out is tricky.  You can't entirely control how other people will react.  You are, in essence, asking people to treat you differently, to see you differently.  So it's something to prepare for.  Practice coming out in the mirror.  Pick a time when things are relatively stable, when the rest of the day will be free to talk about it.  Have some trusted friends ready to fall back on if everything goes south.

When I told my parents, they cried.  My dad in particular at the time said it felt like his child had just died.  It was extremely emotional.  I made sure to have lots of comfort food available.

Be extremely clear what it is you want.  I said I had to do this, there was no stopping me, and that for our relationship to continue it would need to change.  And I was absolutely clear that I wanted the relationship to continue.  I described how it made me feel when I was misgendered and misnamed, and that as such I was not going to compromise over the long haul.  To be sure, there is a long haul -- it took several years for them to fully adapt, just as it took me several years to adapt. 

So it turned out that the conversation was ongoing.  And because they loved me, and were adaptable, it worked out, eventually.  I was lucky. 

[Elis]

Also from the UK . I went to college before coming out and I wouldn't wish that experience on anybody. Unfortunately my dad is like yours and when I did come out he wasn't nice about it. I don't want to discourage you but it's something you need to mentally prepare for.

I wrote an email to him which I think is best as you're able to get your thoughts and feelings down properly. The first part I wrote how I felt about my gender growing up, how I felt about it now and my plans for the future in regards to social and medical transitioning. I also included links on what it's like being trans as well as the science behind it.

Btw, it might also be a good idea to tell the college your trans and have a discussion with them before starting the course even if your dad reacts negativily. It's important to remember it's your life and you need to do what you need to do to feel happy and comfortable. Plus it'll show him your an adult and are serious about being trans. Unfortunately parents just don't get how hard it is being trans and not having their identity respected.

Good luck