My Dr's appointment coming up.

[JMJW]

On the 18th of October. One day after I turn 32.

I am worried about it somewhat. I had considered cancelling for fleeting moments under excuses.

- I'm fine now. Certainly not bad enough to need treatment.
- What could they do anyway?
- Think about where this is going to lead.
- You're being melodramatic.
- Just focus on your work.
-  You're not suicidal, do you really need this?
- Do you want to upset the status quo?
- The NHS is already stretched, you're just wasting their time.
- Are you being realistic? HRT will probably take decades off your life for what?
- You don't even have the face for it.

I already told a nurse there and she said they have several people transitioning there and I immediately stammered and backtracked and said I don't think I'd want that necessarily, thay I don't think it's realistic, I just want to see a therapist to maybe improve my motivation. That if they could improve my motivation by... ten percent I'd consider it a win.

Thing is several things that seem outrageous have become normalized for me by now. I've become set in my ways, and I think if I has HRT under that mentality what a disaster. Lying in bed so much while losing muscle mass and bone strength, probably getting myself a blood clot. I bet my heart muscle would grow super weak and I'd get exhausted so easily. I could never get SRS cos good lord that would get infected with my abysmal hygeine. I can't even keep my room clean much less be motivated to stay on top of the HRT regimen.  While I'd love to think anything the doctor could offer would be a cure all, but realistically gender dysphoria is probably only one small part of my issues and the NHS will probably give me like 3 therapy sessions and send me on my way. I don't know if I should even push for a gender therapist, I probably will, but the waiting time on that is likely a year. All the transphobia that got into my head, mostly by spending huge amounts of time online, comes to the forefront and the thought comes uncontrollably; "You don't want to become THAT." Yes the word "THAT".  It's bigoted as all hell.

[becky.rw]

An NHS can not work for you, if you don't show. 

Go.
Explain what you're experiencing.
Follow the recommended treatment plan and see if it helps, or not.
Adjust on followup as needed.

[Dena]

Many of us have had HRT without any harmful side effects. I am on pills and to make sure I don't forget them, they are my breakfast "desert". The estrogen and other things sit next to my juice glass would sit and when I finish my meal, I take my pills. I think in the last 7 months I missed one dosage because I was so sick I couldn't eat anything.

I suspect the depression is part of the reason you lack the drive to take care of yourself so therapy and HRT may help you regain your drive to live life. Go to the appointment and if you are unable to get additional help from the government, look at bridging. Life is far to valuable to waste and the sooner you receive treatment, the sooner you will start enjoying your self.

[JMJW]

By bridging, you mean getting a private therapist?

My best bet is to talk about what happened in a factual way. When I get subjective with feelings I tend to understate when in person.

[Dena]

Yes, from what I understand some of the private doctors offer HRT and other care to keep you going while you are waiting to get into a government program. Some of the others have posted about them in the HRT section and if you are really hurting, they can be a life saver as some of the wait times are over a year. You can then transfer into the government program when they are ready to take you in.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Dena is right, it's the depression talking when you think you can't take care of yourself. I was afraid to take HRT because shaving seemed like so much burden, but actually I was just depressed ... and mostly depressed because of the hormones!

You aren't burdening NHS, on the contrary, they are being too stingy in doling out resources. They seem to think that there are way less trans people out there than there actually are.

HRT does not take decades off your life. If anything, as MTF you ought to live longer because estrogen protects the heart. It's not the hormones you need to worry about, it's society.

[JMJW]

I went to the 45 minute session, I told much of my history and got some phone numbers to arrange therapy, which has an 8 week waiting list and a referral to a gender clinic which is a year long waiting list. Least it's in their system.