In between

[TX16]

How do you deal with the in between? Like for example, when you can't pass for anything before you start T and get to the point where it's easier.

I have been feeling down because of how I look. I don't feel like I am myself still. I feel like I look too feminine, but also like a rather butch lesbian. I kinda feel like an imposter. I keep telling myself that it will get better one day, but even then I worry I will never feel the way I want.

I think maybe if I lose weight I will be better, but there is still so much doubt. My dysphoria has just gotten worse because of these feelings.

[FTMax]

In between is tough. I personally didn't have too much of a problem with how I looked - I rationalized that I had changed as much as I had control over at that point, and that as soon as I started T and had surgery, the rest would follow.

Perhaps taking that approach could help? Maybe make a list of the things you dislike about your appearance, and then figure out what's changeable. Haircuts, clothes, binders, packers, shaving - all very easy and quick changes that can help in the interim.

The one thing I had a strong discomfort about was actually one of the things that took the longest to fix. My face always felt very feminine to me. Some of that was weight related and how much fat I had in my face. Especially after I started to grow facial hair, no matter how bad it looked I was really reluctant to shave it because it kind of masked what I saw as a feminine softness. Ultimately weight loss and T's fat redistribution helped loads and I feel 100% better about it - but it still took close to 2 years of just hanging in there.

[Alexthecat]

I am where you are right now. I go to the gay club but do not have the courage to ask the guys to dance because they could easily see me as a girl. In 6 months I doubt I will have this problem but it just getting through it in the meantime.

[Elis]

What helped me was focusing on the masculine parts of my body I did like. Plus having regular haircuts and buying clothes. Everybody, cis and trans, have days were they dislike themselves for whatever reason and days were they're fine. You won't feel this way forever.

[Muscle Matt]

I'm coming up on a year on T, and I still usually get "she". I've passed before T (on days I was able to bind for short periods of time), but it doesn't seem like I pass that much more now than I did then. It really, really sucks. Luckily, actually getting on T, you can see changes slowly happening. That definitely helps ease the psychological pain to some degree. I also had to get top surgery a few months after starting T because of my inability to bind. Hasn't helped me pass any better, somehow, but it has greatly improved my mental state and my ability to handle this "in-between".

My voice has barely changed at all, which is apparently a little strange this far in. My friend the other day told me more than anything, my voice just doesn't hit the occasional high pitches it used to. I'm worried my lack pf proper treatment at my doctor's office is actually making the process longer, as I haven't had my hormones tested since before T, so I'm probably not getting the proper dose or frequency. I find this all strange as I had naturally high T levels already, including a small mustache and small Adam's apple.

Honestly, most of what gets me through my day is that I rarely stop moving. I'm constantly working or taking care of the dog or house. Helps keep my mind from having much time to focus on all my issues with this in-between phase (which feels neverending).

Depending on how you carry your weight, it might actually help you pass. Bigger guys usually pass better from the start than skinny guys. Also, the longer you're in this phase, the more you learn to dress for your body. Ftms usually start out wearing clothes too big for them because they think it hides the curves, but sometimes it makes you look even younger/more female. Over time, you'll find what looks best on you. That definitely helps with the confidence in this phase.