New, confused, nervous...here goes

[kae m]

Hello everyone, I'm still trying to come to terms with "finding myself" and have not yet revealed any of these feelings to anyone.  I hope I've found the right place to find some support and inspiration to ease into things.  And hopefully I'm not going overboard with the intro...
I'm 23 and about 8 months ago I had a somewhat sudden realization that I do not feel "male" and I really haven't, ever.  I have, let's say "over compensated" my masculinity to try to prove something that I know deep down is not me.  Deep down, I now know why I have been miserable for as long as I can remember, and it is because I was forcing myself to be the man that I am not.  Even though I have now had this realization, I have not yet let my true self out into the world because I have been so frightened about hurting the people in my life that I care so much about.

I'm sick of being miserable, and as I have been trying to figure out why I've been miserable, many of my childhood memories are slowly revealing themselves...much of my early childhood has been repressed because it has been so painful to remember.  One memory that has always stuck out for me though was when I was preparing to see a therapist of some sort for my troubles at school.  I vividly remember lying on the evaluation when the question came up of whether I ever imagined myself as the opposite gender.  I don't remember why I lied, but I believed bad things would happen to me if I answered honestly "yes"...and I so badly wanted to just blurt it out.  Countless other memories have been resurfacing, and each day it seems so much clearer.

I haven't worked up the nerve to find a therapist yet, I'm scared I will be laughed out of the office and completely misunderstood.  In the meantime, I have begun taking tiny steps toward abandoning my old persona and I feel better about myself than I have in a very long time already.  I think this is slowly building up my courage and determination to seek real help and action.

Anyway, for the first time I think I understand myself, and it finally feels good.

[buttercup]

Hello Vivian and Welcome,

It's great that you are finding your feet, every little step counts on this journey of ours.  This is a great site, I hope you enjoy your stay.

buttercup 

[Hazumu]

Welcome, Vivian!

Please have a look at the site Terms of Service.  If you have any questions on how to use the site, please post your questions and one of the staff members or experienced users will be glad to help.

Over compensating?  It's called 'the male protest'.  I joined the U. S. Marine Corps, then finished my career in the Army.  To top it off, I know three other girls who were all in the same division I was in -- One worked down the hall from me when I was in Headquarters, and one was in the same company I was in!

My step-father was from Georgia, recognised my differentness early on, and set out in his social fundamentalist way to make sure I wouldn't grow up to be a ->-bleeped-<-.  In other words, growing up with him (and his jock sons) around was NO picnic...

The absolutely hardest step in this is to accept yourself.  Once that's done, you'll find that a majority of people you encounter are not concerned with your being transgendered -- it's just not an issue with them.

You can use Susans to help you in the search for a therapist that specializes in gender issues.  They will be completely accepting of your 'secret', as they likely have several other clients in various stages of transition.  Strange as it may sound, you are 'normal' to them.

Welcome!  May you enjoy every moment of your journey;

Karen

[Bobbie]

Hi Vivian!

Welcome to Susans.

You've no need to be nervous anymore. You'll find everyone here very understanding and willing to help all they can.

I think seeing a therapist is a good first step. The majority of them are very professional and are there to help you, so theres no way they will laugh at you.

Hope to here more from you soon.

Bobbie XXX

[Kate]

Hi Vivian! Welcome to Susans!

I haven't worked up the nerve to find a therapist yet, I'm scared I will be laughed out of the office and completely misunderstood.  In the meantime, I have begun taking tiny steps toward abandoning my old persona and I feel better about myself than I have in a very long time already.  I think this is slowly building up my courage and determination to seek real help and action.

I hear ya! That first phone call to a therapist can be absolutely *terrifying*. I could barely dial the phone, my hands were shaking so bad. But they're used to hearing about these things. They're professionals. Honest: no one will laugh. It's usually best to find someone who has experience with gender issues though, rather than a generic therapist or psych.

A good therapist can provide a safe and encouraging environment to help you explore your needs in depth. Many also run support groups, where you can meet, in person, other people who share similar feelings.

Welcome again, Vivian! I can't wait to hear more about your story

~Kate~

[Jillieann Rose]

Vivian,
Just wanted to add my welcome.
So hello and welcome to Susan's.
Yes you have come to the right place to share your feeling.
To learn from others and all of the information on this site.
And what I think is most important to find friends who will stand by with you and by you.
Welcome to Susan's,
Jillieann

[cindybc]

Hi Vivian
Your story could be a carbon copy of mine and probably many others here. My childhood thou was wonderful at home, I was lucky I had loving caring parents. It was in school that I had my problems with My real problems didn't start until after I left the home nest. It's funny though how many memories of our past we had buried way deep down that start to resurface after we face and accept the inner self.

Well I do pray that you find the answers to your questions here and there are many here that you will find that have had similar experiences.

Cindy

[Wing Walker]

Hi, Vivian!

Susan's is a good place to help you sort things out, so welcome!  There are many good people here, people who listen and will give you as honest an answer they can.

Are you seeing a therapist about your gender problems?  I can see why you withheld your feelings from the therapist when you were younger.  It must have been scary to begin to understand that you are a female within and male outside.  That's someth8ing that might have been kept to yourself because it made sense at the time.

There are no easy answers to gender dysphoric questions and problems, but there are intelligent, informed decisions you will need to make.

Please feel welcome here.

Wing Walker

[Maebh]

Céad míle fáilte Vivian.
You are very welcome here at Susan where I hope you will find some of the answers, help and support you seek..
Congratulation on your courage for taking the first step in accepting yourself and sharing your secret.
It is a good idea to see a therapist specialising in gender identity. It will help you to explore and clarify your position on the TG continuum and keep things in perspective. You don't want to swing from one extreme to the other.
Go n-éiri do bhóthar leat
Good luck on your journey of self discovery and self realisation.

Light, Love & Respect

Maebh

[kae m]

Wow thank you all for such a warm and supportive welcome, you're all wonderful!

I did some searching for a therapist today and found a couple promising names, but it seems like I'm about an hour away from anyone experienced in gender issues.  I still need to work on the confidence to call to schedule an appointment, but that's another issue.

[tinkerbell]

Hello Vivian and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks very much for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink