Should I be worried?

[KLynn]

Hello everyone. I'm the wife of a woman that had gcs about 10 weeks ago and I'm having some anxiety about her new lady bits.

I'm sorry that this is going to be your first impression of me. I love my wife dearly, but I'm getting really nervous about the final result because as it is right now I get queasy looking at her neovagina.

Right now, it looks like an open hot dog bun with a long gash down the center. It's red, lumpy, has no labia minora that I can see and I also can't see a clitoral hood or clitoris. Just stringy bits of mucus-like stuff that stretch across the opening. Not that my own is like artwork or anything but it just looks so raw and alien.

It makes me feel like a terrible person because before the surgery I told her that I was so excited to get intimate with her in her "final form" so to speak, but now I feel like I can't. She hated the male type parts so much that we rarely ever got physical in the 11 years we've been together. I've heard of women starting to have sex at 12 weeks post-op and I'm so nervous that I won't be able to go through with it if she asks me. I hate how shallow this makes me feel. 

I guess my question is, for the ladies here with experience, does it "fill in" at all after the 3 month mark or is it basically going to stay looking like this forever?

[DawnOday]

People are more than the sum of their parts. If you have been together for 11 years there should be an understanding. Like women realizing the man they sent to war are not the same when they return. Yet they stay for love.

[jfong]

10 weeks is still too early to tell. Give it time

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[Jenna Marie]

That's normal. Some people heal faster than others, but my surgeon said to wait a year to see the final result. I couldn't have had sex at 3 months post-op either - it still felt and looked like a surgical site. (The stringy stuff is part of healing, and the swelling will make everything look weird and awful.) Everything will eventually settle down and look a lot more normal. Personally, I would say it actually did take several months to look closer to typical, but now I've even had a gynecologist who couldn't tell.

There are men who have trouble being intimate with their wives after watching natural childbirth, too... some people just have trouble forgetting about "medical/surgical ick" and seeing it as something meant for sexy times, at first. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. I bet in a few months, you'll have an icky memory, but you'll feel fine about the current configuration.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. My own surgery is somewhat primitive by todays standards but my experance applies. I had excessive swelling after surgery that took an extra week before I was able to pee. The first time I was successful, the stream shot forward over the toilet rim and landed on the floor in front of me. For at least the next year I had to lean forward in order to avoid a repeat of that event. The swelling eventually left and now I can sit upright without the need to get the mop out after a bathroom trip.

Recovery can take far longer than expected so it would be best to wait before making a final judgement. This surgery was far more than a minor cut and it will take months before it reaches it's final form.

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[Jacqueline]

Klynn,

Welcome to the site. It must be pretty awkward for you. So sorry this has been a challenge.

Are you seeing a therapist at all. I think it is important, not just for the person undergoing the physical transition. All who are effected are transitioning too.

Have you spoken to her about it since?

It seems it will be become more typical looking with time. Perhaps that is not the cause for concern?

We also have a significant others section here. You might find others in a similar situation to ask.

I hope you get to spot where you are more comfortable and you two can progress. Or a spot where you to can grow...

Good luck,

With warmth,

Joanna

[KLynn]

Thanks,  friends!  I haven't spoken with her about how I feel about the way it looks. I don't want her to feel bad or get a complex about it,  she's had enough of that pre transition. I think it's accurate to say that I'm still viewing it as surgical site rather than sexy lady parts. I've been helping her during the healing process as a second pair of eyes so I've been seeing these different stages of healing since the surgery and I just haven't made the mental switch yet.  Thank you all for the reassurance that it does take much longer to settle and that it doesn't just finish at the"not bleeding anymore"stage.

[Virginia Hall]

Thanks,  friends!  I haven't spoken with her about how I feel about the way it looks. I don't want her to feel bad or get a complex about it,  she's had enough of that pre transition. I think it's accurate to say that I'm still viewing it as surgical site rather than sexy lady parts. I've been helping her during the healing process as a second pair of eyes so I've been seeing these different stages of healing since the surgery and I just haven't made the mental switch yet.  Thank you all for the reassurance that it does take much longer to settle and that it doesn't just finish at the"not bleeding anymore"stage.

Every surgery takes time to heal. Some of the most emotionally damaging post-op comments of my life came from well-meaning people right after SRS because I was not yet a finished product. They had a bit of magical thinking going on and they did not really pause to think how long it takes for major surgery to heal and settle in. Your wife is going through physical, mental, and emotional adjustments herself and is in the newborn stages of proprioception, at least genitally.

Years later I was able to speak with the people who saw me immediately post-op and they plainly said that they were in a state of "shock." I wasn't. I was happy beyond belief. It may take six months or more for everything to settle in. In FFS, Ousterhout-style, for example, it takes a year, sometimes even more, for all the nerve endings to come back together, for the swelling to go down, and for everything to settle in place. That's largely surface stuff. This is deep inside. I mean think about it--an entire vaginal canal has been created. A functioning one!

If I could go back in time and advise those in shock,  I would suggest they stay supportive--they had been right up to the time of SRS and even fronted me the money for it (Blue Cross Blue Shield too about two months to reimburse me so I I could reimburse those people) so there never was any question of their love, and caring, and support for me. In this back-in-time scenario I would advise them to stay patient and upbeat and to share in my profound joy. Let the healing settle in. Make no adverse comments. God are we vulnerable at that moment. We've been waiting all our lives for this.

I am sure your wife is thrilled--despite the pain and annoyance of dilating--and now is the chance to be happy with herself at long, long, long last. She'll love you forever for your support and sharing of the joyous moment--even in pain. It's possibly the greatest personal moment of her life. Be there to celebrate. The rest will take care of itself. She is lucky to have you at her side. Don't think she doesn't know it. Love will bring you through.

[Sophia Sage]

Wise words, Virginia.

Many women realize after SRS that a Labiaplasty can help improve the appearance of everything tremendously.  Which could be another year out.