An update on me...

[jentay1367]

but I slept straight through the night and got nine hours of solid sleep. 

JEALOUS AS HELL! For me, estrogen is a metaphor for insomnia...

[Michelle_P]

The sleep thing is interesting.  I'll try to keep track and report on how I do. 

Raising the estrodiol level might be linked to a couple other things I noticed today. 

This morning, for no reason I can see, I started feeling really bummed out, thinking about how I'll never pass as a ciswoman.  Odd that I'd think about that, as before I even started, I knew and expected that I wouldn't pass, just becoming as I told my therapist "A Weird Old Lady".  I also had a mild headache most of the day, so mild I didn't bother taking anything for it.

Realistically, I do already sort of pass as a person on the street.  Close inspection, particularly when I don't have my wardrobe act (and camouflage paint, er, makeup) together, and I don't pass. No surprise after only 6 months of not enough estradiol.

I don't know.  I certainly won't make any major decisions for a few weeks, while I let my system settle in to the new hormone levels.

[Dena]

Just a note, Estrogen can result in migraine headaches and I get them from time to time. For me the triggers are lack of sleep, excessive caffeine over time and being to intense without breaks when doing a task. As long as I avoid my triggers, I can go for a long time without a headache. When I get one, it takes 2-3 days to get rid of the thing.

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Dena.  I'll definitely keep that in mind.  I don't have a migraine problem yet, and would very much like to avoid one.

On sleep...  I got almost 9 hours again last night.  I did wake up twice, courtesy of tea and spironolactone. I managed to go right back to sleep, though.

I can understand the reaction of others after a month of bad sleep for me.  Reminds me of what two different women said to me when I answered their question on my pant size...  I hate you!

Later:  I spent several hours with my mother-in-law, helping her around her house.  Yeah, a couple lonely older ladies getting together.    She had made a huge batch of fruitcake cookie dough. (Yes, it's a thing.  Fruitcake in cookie form; like lumpy little hockey pucks.)  I dug out her cookie sheets and made cookies with her, then fixed a few things, helped with the Christmas Card list, and a few other odds and ends.  Lasagna for dinner! 

That's my Saturday.  I might get together with the visiting older daughter in the morning for coffee, or if not, I'll just head to the local Unitarian Universalist church.  I've volunteered for their 'coffee committee', a simple way to be a little more involved.

Monday I've got a slightly extended electrolysis session (2 hrs, 15 min), and then I have to get my car into the shop for a tuneup.  New plugs, maybe even replacing the 16 year old wires, to clear a misfire problem.

Life goes on. I'm happier living it as myself.

[Michelle_P]

The holiday party went off without a hitch.   No questioning me or my presence, no insults, just me doing my thing. There was a table of door prizes, various useful tools and household items, at which I overheard a funny conversation.  Two women in the club were looking at a tool set and talking about how it might be used, and one said something like, "Oh, that's what Mike would use when he was setting up the antenna masts."  Me, male, all past tense.  I'm not entirely sure the speaker recognized me.   

I had the shop do a number of things on the car, but alas, none of them fixed the intermittent misfire problem.  The idle is smoother, but the damn idiot light came back on about 3 blocks from the repair shop.  *SIGH*  I'll have them try swapping the coil pack next, and then if that doesn't work, we may have to swap out the camshaft position sensor.  Coil packs have been problematic in this model car, so maybe that'll get it.



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[jentay1367]

Coil packs have been problematic in this model car, so maybe that'll get it.

I'm still trying to figure out how ridiculously difficult to replace and expensive to purchase coil packs trump 3 dollar spark plugs. Technology marches on 

[RobynD]

Michelle - I just read this entire thread for the first time. Really inspiring and you are a strong and remarkable woman.

I really wished i had journaled more during my early transition or kept a running blog of sorts, like you have done here. Reading it may inspire me to something like that.

Kind wishes for continued success in your new life.

[Michelle_P]

Thanks.  I thought it might be interesting to dump most of my real life experience and transition in one place.  Other folks like Rachel Lynn did long threads like that, and I found them incredibly reassuring and useful in seeing how things can work out, and what the day to day variations in our lives can be like.  I thought I'd do something similar, and perhaps craft a 'historical document' for myself.  It's sort of fun, actually.

I just got back from dropping the car off for another round of troubleshooting.  Intermittent failures like this one are a real bear to track down.  So far, all the work that's been done was really necessary, anyway.  The plugs were badly eroded, the original ignition wires were breaking down, and showed signs of arcing, and cleaning certain components periodically is important to avoid longer term trouble.  It's still annoying.   I have to get this fixed for sure in the next couple of months or the car will fail inspection when I have to renew its registration in April.  Replacing the car right now would be both expensive, and incredibly troublesome, as there's a temporary restraining order in place against large transactions without permission of both my wife-departing and I.

*SIGH*



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[Sno]

Hi Michelle,

Good luck with the car... the idiot light means a code is in the computer, and that should tell them what's failing - and should solve the mystery...

Sno

[Michelle_P]

Hi Michelle,

Good luck with the car... the idiot light means a code is in the computer, and that should tell them what's failing - and should solve the mystery...

Yup.  I pulled the code, and once again, it was my old friend P0300, "random misfire on one or more cylinders".  What it really means is that the sensors spotted a momentary change in RPM multiple times in a short period, a "rough idle", but it didn't match up with any other sensor data.  It's a little 4 cylinder engine, so the idle always feels a little rough compared to nice big V8 engines. . The cause is a bit hard to identify, unfortunately.  We keep hoping it will throw another code.  I'm a bit nervous to drive it a long ways in this state, as this problem can take out the catalytic converter.  That code would be obvious, expensive to fix, and have nothing to do with the misfire.

The damn thing threw the error about 3 blocks from the shop where they couldn't get it to reproduce.  Phil, the owner, is taking another look at it today.  In order to pass inspection the car has to have gone at least 100 miles without throwing a code, and meet a few other preconditions that are reported via the OBD-II link.

I think I startled the shop owner when I started discussing the tech side of things in detail.  At one point he asked why I was bringing the car to him.   I had to explain that I'm a retired engineer.

Gender fun:  Since he had to see the car info and my docs, I gave him my deadname, Michael.  I was dressed in my usual, boots, skinny jeans, turtleneck and jacket, with my everyday makeup and hair.  He has not 'Sir'd or 'Maam'd me once, just using the full first name.   I decided he might be erring on the side of caution, so I threw him a bone when I called the shop.  "Hi, this is Michael, the gal with the Miata from yesterday."    He's been very polite, and we chatted quite a bit on repairs and our approach to handling the problem. (We're in agreement on how to proceed, or the car wouldn't be in his shop.)

Anyway, I dropped the car off there several hours ago, and got in a nice walk and some sitting in a café sipping coffee and people-watching.  I've had lunch, and may go for another walk and window-shopping in a little while.


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[Dena]

I don't know. Sounds like if he has an old fashion ignition analyzer which monitors the spark from all the cylinders he could figure out if it's the coil or the sensor. Could be either but I am suspecting it's going to be the sensor because it's the last thing on the list to look at.

[jentay1367]

yup...if you're throwing uncooked gas into the converter......p0420 will rear it's ugly head eventually. $ouch$

[Michelle_P]

Could be either but I am suspecting it's going to be the sensor because it's the last thing on the list to look at.

Yah.  Spoken like a true engineer, Dena. 

AKA "It's always the longest path on the decision tree..."


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[Michelle_P]

It's been an OK week for me so far, not great, but OK, except for that damn car.

It's been in the shop twice now.  We've replaced the plugs, wires, coil pack, and the camshaft rotation sensor.  The problem wouldn't repeat in test drives.  I've had the car back a whole day.

Guess what just happened?

Yah.  CE light, code P0300.  One more time in the shop and I will have spent more on this than the car is worth.  Keep going?  Sunk cost fallacy there...  I love the little car but this is getting to be just too much, to keep a 16 year old piece of metal and hydrocarbons running.

Naturally, this has to happen when I'm under an automatic court order to not touch my investments or funds without permission from wife-departing.  Oh, joy.  We meet at the lawyer's on Tuesday for more happy fun mediation time.   What are the odds she'll let me buy a new car?

Other minor mishaps... Last night at the local rapid transit terminal parking structure, I turned a corner at the entrance, and the next thing I know, I'm sprawled on the concrete, serious road rash on my right wrist and hand, and a heck of a whack on the forehead.  I think I tripped somehow.  I HOPE that's what happened.  Not like anyone else gave a damn.  Nothing was lost but my dignity and a few grams of tissue and fluids.  Sure hurts, though.

Some threads have recently mentioned dysphoria triggers, and the "dude in a dress" syndrome.  That's bitten me recently.  The bathroom here has a huge wall-sized mirror over the sink area, that really can't be avoided.  I get out of the shower, or use the toilet, and there it is.  No, I don't do my makeup in there or anything else, really.  When brushing my teeth I turn my back on it.  When I have to SHAVE, ugh, that's already bad, so the mirror doesn't make things worse.  When I get out of the shower, though, bald, dripping wet, with THAT down there, well, yuck.  Old weird dude in the mirror.

I do my makeup at a small vanity, a little magnifying mirror for details and a small built-in mirror for the larger areas.  I have a narrow full-length mirror that I use to check my presentation, but avoid when not yet dressed.  I'm tempted to drape the bathroom mirror, with just a small area I can uncover while shaving.  People will wonder why I'm sitting shiva. Oh, the sad old man passed away...

In my old home, I had redone the bathroom with smallish individual mirrors over the twin vanities in the master bath replacing the wall-sized mirror there for some reason.  That was before I was out by several years.  Sneaky subconscious again.

And the hair?  I'm afraid I've gotten a bit obsessive even in private.  I get up, the house wig goes on.  The last thing before bed, it goes on it's stand near me.  It comes off when I shower, and when I apply and remove makeup (risk of damaging it, mostly).

I've got therapy Tuesday, before the legal mediation meeting unfortunately.  Looks like I'll have some things to talk about this week.

On the good side, I'm making friends in the broader community, mostly via the Unitarian Universalist church activities.  They did a community dinner this week, followed by their version of Vespers, which felt a whole lot like a group therapy session combined with guided relaxation.  Yes, that helped.

Yesterday I was part of a little free speech exercise at the local transit station, where I later had my fall.  We were reminding the hordes of happy shoppers (huge regional shopping district, and we were at the busiest intersection) that this is a season of love, sharing, and acceptance of all.  Most folks who reacted, reacted positively.  A few were disgusted with us.  You know how it goes.   It was a good experience, though.

I even managed to beat my 10,000 steps goal a couple times last week.  Yaaay!


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[jentay1367]

Did you sense you tripped or could you have blacked out? Any point in the ride  thatyou don't recollect? Can't be too careful given all the pharmaceuticals we enjoy. Be careful out there, Michelle.

[Steph Eigen]

Michelle,

I'm an academic research cardiologist, ameteur radio operator, former research chemist, ameteur astronomer, obsessed classical music lover, builder of my own exotic stereo gear and all around nerd... with a gender problem.  You and a few  others on this forum  are my heros and inspiration!

Thank you for this thread.

Steph

[Michelle_P]

Did you sense you tripped or could you have blacked out? Any point in the ride  thatyou don't recollect? Can't be too careful given all the pharmaceuticals we enjoy. Be careful out there, Michelle.

Oh, yeah.  That was one of my first thoughts when I got home, but that few seconds around when I hit the ground are all that's missing.  It may have been just the momentary shock.  It sure hurt, though.  No deep wounds, just superficial road rash.  Ow.  After I had it cleaned I put a lidocaine gel on it, then dressed it properly.  Still, ow.

I'm not on any psychtropics, or anything that can induce drowsiness.  I am 63, though.  Yeah, this year's 'middle aged'.   

[Cindy]

Oh the mirror issue, that reminded me of an interview I did a few years back.



OK start at about 2.56mins. Later on we had a set shot of me wiping condensation off a mirror - it was going to be dramatic! As it was filmed we realise I was wiping the mirror with a Merry Christmas T-towel and the camera man who was standing in the shower to film me, tripped over and very nearly did to his camera what you did to your skin.
We re-shot it but I couldn't stop giggling. See about 7.30 min

It is funny looking back, I could talk then and of course I can't talk nowadays, but I have a hell of a sexy croak I also had hair which has also suffered chemorad modification!!

Enjoy for a laugh.

[Michelle_P]

"These days, none of the mirrors in Cindy's house are covered."

Um.  I guess i'm not the only one.      I should have expected that.

Merry Christmas!   

[Michelle_P]

Idle thoughts, from idle minds...  And we know where that leads...

This thread seems to have turned into my transition blog. That's certainly fine with me, as I rather like the idea of emptying my head on transition subjects in one place.  I was wondering, though, if I shouldn't bite the bullet and convert many of my posts here into an actual blog of some sort, a published living document of my transition.  Or just leave things as is, if The Management and folks on this site like what I've accidentally done here.  (The thread should probably be moved somewhere more appropriate, maybe in the Blogs area like King Malachite's thread?)

See what happens when I have a little time to think?