Oh, thank you, everyone! The support from this board sometimes seems to be all that keeps me sane.
I did talk to my youngest daughter on the phone yesterday, after I had gotten some sleep. She still has issues with me, only to be expected. I told her that it was OK to just cut loose at me, that I wouldn't hang up on her, and she could say anything she wanted. She was angry with me for transitioning, and mourning the loss of her daddy. She was also angry that when she asked me why I was doing this, I gave her the clinical response about what I was doing and why. She felt that I was being too cold and distant when I did that, probably true. The clinical stuff shields me from the emotional confrontation, which I need to deal with. She's still questioning why I made the choice to move forward with transition, as that is what she feels has cost her Daddy.
I tried to reassure her that I'm still here, I'm still me, and she can call and text me all she wants, and of course I'll continue to reach out to her. Much sobbing and emotional venting followed, and we slowly changed the subject to what is happening in her life. This will be a long, slow process, just as Rachel Lynn described with her daughter. (Rachel, ain't family fun sometimes? Sometimes good, sometimes not. Always something, though.)
Meanwhile, I'm just living my life.
I'm trying to get a regular exercise routine going, aiming for my 10,000 steps a day, and some time to work on side planks and such. The move has blown my routines up. There is an exercise room off the garage in this building, with RFID key access for residents only, that I might figure out how to use. My hair is the biggest issue. Workouts in a wig are not a great idea. I may try the do-rag/cancer beanie/scarf thing and see if I can pull that off while holding a feminine presence. I used to do an hour a day on an elliptical trainer, but that was at home in private.
I'm working on lesson plans for technical classes I'll be doing in the next few months. The classes will be a bit of a challenge, trying to project my voice at a higher pitch and with proper intonation while filling a room. I may buy a few hours with a trans speech therapist to see what can be done.
My paperwork for identity changes is still 'in the works' at Kaiser. I expect that it will be rejected in its entirety, or given half-baked approvals that will prevent me from actually using it (Authorize a temp motor vehicle license revision, but not do the court order letter for name/gender change, for example. That leaves me with a DMV form for a name I don't have...) I fully expected problems with this doctor. Once rejected I'll get the request for letters re-routed to someone who understands Transgender issues at Kaiser's Oakland MST (Multi-Specialty Transitions) group. Just working the system...
Speaking of working the system, I need to fins a trans-friendly primary care physician, so I'll be poking around for that. There is one that I know of, the Director of Oakland MST! I don't know if I can get her for my doc, but that would sure be neat!
Anyway, I'm doing a few hours a day walking through downtown, stopping at one of the cafes here for a coffee break after a few miles, and catching up here. It's nice to finally be myself all of the time. I think I understand Anne Vitale's "Gender Expression Deprivation Anxiety Disorder" description now. It is wonderful to be free of that.
I've got my social life going, with both the hobbyist activities and a transgender social group for the region that does meet-ups every few weeks, some with dinner before. Most of the members are cross-dressing only, but there are several transwomen at various stages in the group as well. They're all nice folks, very open and friendly. It's nice to be able to sit down and relax with someone who's not judging me.
They're renting space at a country club tonight for their annual fall formal bash, dinner and entertainment. I'm going, of course. I didn't have any other plans on my calendar for tonight. I've got an actual, formal dress to wear for this. No jeans or pantsuit, an actual dress! And 3 inch heels! That's a first for me. I'm sure my feet will remind me of that in the morning. (Yes, I've been practicing, and breaking the shoes in.)
I just hope I don't kill myself with the clutch and stick shift on the way over there this evening.
(Yes, I will wear sensible shoes while driving and switch there.)
