An update on me...

[Megan.]

Fantastic,  super happy for you.  X

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[Michelle_P]

I think I just set some sort of record. 

The judge had a couple of other name change petitions this morning, and called us all forward, to be seated at the Petitioner and Respondant tables.  He then signed the documents, passing them to the clerk, who did something with the computer system and then handed us the documents.  He told us to take them downstairs to Filing, get them recorded, and get certified copies.  (Nothing unexpected there.)  In at 9:00, and out with my court order recognizing me at 9:08.

I had the order filed at once, and got my certified copies, embossed with the court seal and stamp, and signed by the Clerk.  By 10 AM I was home.  I put the car away, grabbed my prepared materials, and added the court order copies.  Time for a little walk to the Civic Center.

At 10:30 I was in the Post Office queue, and by 11 (they ARE the post office...) I had posted a packet to the Department of Vital Records, by priority mail, that should arrive Monday.  That one requests the birth certificate under the new name and gender, and seals the old certificate.

At 11:10 I had checked in at Social Security and was in their queue.  At noon, my Numident record had my new name and gender inserted.  Off to the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).

At 12:15 I was in the DMV queue.  At 12:30, they rejected my paperwork, due to a blank 'Case Number' field in the doctor's form. Kaiser doesn't seem to actually have case numbers, after calling them, but my Medical Record Number would do.  Yay cellphones. OK, I fill that in and get back in the queue.  Eventually a really nice older woman calls my number, and we chat while she gets the system to open up the name/gender change screens.  A manager has to sign the forms, and then unlock the screen so the clerk can enter the new information.  At 2:08 PM, I have the traditional bad photo taken, and I am out the door.

Five hours from gavel strike to being done with the Birth certificate, Social Security card, and Drivers License.  The SS and DMV cards will be here within 2 weeks.  The birth certificate takes a few months, but everything is filed and in process before any administrative rule changes might happen.

Time for a lunch break...  Or something...

Over the moon?  Elated?  Excited?  Oh, you bet!  I am definitely going to celebrate this event.  I don't know how, just yet, but it will happen.

I've been reading this forum for quite a while, and de-lurked after my crash last year.  I remember reading the stories of others, as they worked their way through transition and achieved so many goals that seemed unreachable to me. 

Coming out to family.  Starting HRT.  Going out in the world with proper presentation.  Getting that first makeover.  Going full time.  Getting their names and IDs changed.

It all seemed so unreachable a year ago.  Now, with the help and support of all of you, I've done it.  I have to pinch myself.  It's real.  I've actually done it.

Thank you, everyone.  Thank you so much for your support.

And for folks reading this and seeing this as unreachable, well, it is not unreachable.  Baby steps, a little bit every day , slowly building your confidence, and it can be done.


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[KathyLauren]

Way to go, Michelle.  You are definitely a lady who doesn't like to waste time!

[Raell]

Wow, Michelle!

I must say I'm totally impressed..

You must feel like you're walking on air right now. Be sure to let us know how you celebrate this.

[Rachel]

Awesome, I am very happy for you.

I still need to go to SS office.

[Thea]

Wow Michelle, that's truly awesome. I'm sure I speak for many when I say you have been an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Michelle_P]

Wow.  Thanks, everyone!  But, to be honest, I had a lot of help on this.  My endocrinologist decided to waive her own (restrictive) policy in response to my request.  My therapist likely was involved with that, too.  TheOakland Transgender Law Center https://transgenderlawcenter.org/ was tremendously helpful, with their informative book on doing this in California, which included links to the government web sites, links for court forms, and sample letters and forms to guide me:

Federal: http://translaw.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/ID_Please_FINAL_7.25.14.pdf

State-by-state birth certificate changes: https://transgenderlawcenter.org/resources/id/state-by-state-overview-changing-gender-markers-on-birth-certificates

Changing California and Federal ID (what I followed) http://transgenderlawcenter.org/issues/id/id-please

I just followed the cookbook.  The results came out fine, so far.

I had a lot of support from Susan's Place, from the gal who helped me draft my 'Coming Out' letter, to the advocates who helped me get through the Kaiser 'system'.

It's a team effort.  Thanks, Team!


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[LizK]

That is great, must be a huge weight off your shoulders having legal ID. I will start planning that process next week...You keep moving ahead step by step 

Hugs
Liz

[Michelle_P]

Oh, goddess, yes!  With proper ID I can safely travel, and soon I'll have all my accounts and cards in my proper name.  This is such a relief, not having to out myself on simple transactions, and knowing I can travel as myself.

This may have been the best week of my transition so far.

A number of folks at the UU church knew I had the court date on Friday, and had asked me to let them know the results.  The whole congregation there has been amazingly supportive.  Oh, and if you haven't noticed by now, I'm out and an activist.  I know I'll never be able to go stealth, so that's not an issue.  So, I did a couple of things.

During each Sunday service there is a "Sharing of Joys and Sorrows", from a book we can write in before the service.  Often we hear about deaths of members, or folks moving away.  We hear about births, and marriages, and all manner of life events.  I thought my legal validation might be suitable for celebration, so I wrote in the book:

On Friday morning the California Court decreed that I am Michelle Jean P., a 63 year old female person.  I exist!

This was read, while I stood in front of the congregation and lit a candle.

Remember that scene at the end of Star Wars where the Princess hands out the medals?  Yeah.  Like that.  I turned toward the congregation, and they were standing and applauding.  I was grinning ear to ear.  I wish I could have bottled all that affirmation for any bad days ahead, but at least I'll have the memory.

Oh, and after the service, I signed The Book, the book of membership.  This is the sort of club I want to join.  That means I get to vote on policy and plans, and will also be giving them money. (No change, I've been doing that.)

I'd say I had a pretty positive day.

Tomorrow I've got another electrolysis session, and after that I am heading over to my mother-in-laws.  This one will be interesting.  My youngest daughter, who lives with my ex-wife will be there to meet me for the first time.

Unfortunately, I can see a certain influence.  I've gotten a text informing me that there will be no touching or hugging.  Presumably we'll wave to each other. 

We'll see how it goes.

A new Community Circle discussion group (A UUC thing) starts up on Tuesday morning, and I'll jump into that.  More social connection opportunities!

Thursday a group of us may be getting together for lunch and to see "Hidden Figures", something on my list of movies I want to see.

Friday I've got my Physics and Antennas lecture I'm presenting, probably to 60-70 people.

I guess I'm having a real life now.


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[Raell]

You are so inspiring, Michelle!

I copy/pasted the links you mentioned to my ex-husband, who says he plans to move to CA and transition to non-binary female this year.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

So happy for you, Michelle! And getting your license on the same day, talk about #goals. 

[Stacitg1]

Wow! You are such an inspiration and joy! Thank you for sharing your journey and congratulations on the legal name change etc. Awesome!!!

[Asche]

I think I just set some sort of record. 

Five hours from gavel strike to being done with the Birth certificate, Social Security card, and Drivers License.  The SS and DMV cards will be here within 2 weeks.  The birth certificate takes a few months, but everything is filed and in process before any administrative rule changes might happen.

How about your passport?

Until Jan 20, you can change the gender marker with nothing more than a doctor's letter.  The new administration is promising to rescind that on day 1.

(When I got my official copies of my name change -- which took about 2 weeks from when the order went through, NYS bureaucracy -- I walked down the hall and immediately applied for my updated passport.)

[Michelle_P]

How about your passport?

Until Jan 20, you can change the gender marker with nothing more than a doctor's letter.  The new administration is promising to rescind that on day 1.

(When I got my official copies of my name change -- which took about 2 weeks from when the order went through, NYS bureaucracy -- I walked down the hall and immediately applied for my updated passport.)

I already knew that I wouldn't make the deadline.  They are so backed up right now!  Processing wouldn't start until after the 20th, and I won't have a photo ID until after then.

The current plan is to get the California driver's license and birth certificate, which will both show my correct gender and name, with nothing referring to old me.

That gets me the photo ID showing my current appearance required for the DS-11 filing.  Beyond that, I just have to hope for the best.

In other words, I fully expect to be denied my constitutional right to travel.  It won't be the first time the US government has done that to me.  I couldn't get a passport for several years after a certain government job I had.


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[Michelle_P]

On the passport thing:

There is a requirement for a photo ID with current presentation as primary or secondary ID. The new California drivers license should cover that. I can use that with the existing birth certificate, court order, a medical letter, and the DS-11 to get a new passport.

The current medical letter I have won't work because the doctor didn't use the exact language specified in the State Department regulations. She swears all is correct under the laws of California, for example, rather than the United States, and doesn't use the exact phrases regarding medical treatment that State wants. I will attempt to get a version from her that meets the regulations.

As a backup, I have my old deadname passport, and worst case I can do a little makeup work and go on a nice overseas vacation, say, a month or so in Thailand, passing as male.  Postop I can probably qualify for a new passport even under the expected revised regulations.

But, yuck.

I did meet with my youngest daughter, age 25, at my mother-in-laws last night. I got stared at of course, and then she decided to vent for a while.

"Do you think you are being selfish?"  (Hint: the only "correct" answer is YES.)  I made the mistake of defending my need to come out and transition. This was a mistake. That meant the conversation was all about me, a sure sign I was being selfish.

*SIGH*

I was also charged with not making any effort to contact her.  You know, the person that rants at me, doesn't pick up, and doesn't respond to texts.



The rest of the evening was civil, at least. My poor mother-in-law had gone to some trouble to get daughters favorite foods, and provide us with some time and privacy in her home. My daughter was pretty abrupt with her, not even a thank you. 

I'll probably still call and text her. I'm pretty annoyed right now.

As a capper on the morning, I walked 30 minutes to a meeting that was supposed to take place this morning with several others. Nobody else showed up.

I think I'll go over to the Kaiser office to get my name and gender marker updated and get misgendered by the staff for a while. Always a fun time there.

Gah...


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[Asche]

On the passport thing:

There is a requirement for a photo ID with current presentation as primary or secondary ID.

This is news to me.

I simply used my old passport (which still had 2 weeks to go) and an official copy of the court order, plus a doctor's letter.  Didn't even show my driver's license.  They took them, and I got the new passport 2-3 weeks later.  Fortunately, I'm getting my hormones from an LGBT clinic who is very familiar with the ins and outs of gender change letters, so the letter said all the right things in the right way.

My AMAB child (pronouns: they) got a new passport with the letter F, but had a little more trouble since they didn't have any current picture government ID.  (Still hasn't gotten a new learner's permit or non-driver ID.  They're 26 years old -- going on 2  -- grumble, grumble, grumble.)

[Mirya]

"Do you think you are being selfish?"  (Hint: the only "correct" answer is YES.)  I made the mistake of defending my need to come out and transition. This was a mistake. That meant the conversation was all about me, a sure sign I was being selfish.

Yes, you are being selfish.  And it's ok to admit that.  But you need to be selfish.  It's either a selfish parent, or a dead parent.  I hope she understands that someday.

[Mirya]

This is news to me.

I simply used my old passport (which still had 2 weeks to go) and an official copy of the court order, plus a doctor's letter.  Didn't even show my driver's license.  They took them, and I got the new passport 2-3 weeks later.  Fortunately, I'm getting my hormones from an LGBT clinic who is very familiar with the ins and outs of gender change letters, so the letter said all the right things in the right way.

Then consider yourself lucky.  The clerk who accepted your paperwork didn't follow the official rules.  The procedure for Gender Designation Change is clearly stated on the State Department website:

ID that resembles your current appearance

If your old passport had your old [male] photo, then it's not acceptable identification.

When I submitted my own paperwork for my passport, the clerk pulled out a big binder with all the rules.  She followed them to the letter.  She made a photocopy of my new driver's license and included it in my application.

[Raell]

Michelle

You are my hero.

As for your daughter, it wouldn't matter if you transitioned or not..that's how daughters are with their moms, apparently.

If she saw you as her dad, she would likely fawn on you.

My daughter has been rude to me since puberty, even though I was the one who stayed with the family, working several jobs while I got my Masters after her dad ran off with a younger woman to reward me for putting him through medical school and raising his kids. Her dad is perfect, and fawned on, despite his refusing to pay child support, constantly breaking his promises to her, and in general acting like an irresponsible jerk.

Throughout middle school and college, whenever she had a chance, my daughter stole money from my purse, jewelry from my room, kept driving my car during the night when she was in middle school until I caught her at it, even now screams at me, ignores me and recently mocked me for claiming to be partially transmale, calling me a "loser." I only realized I am transmale three years ago, so this is new issue.

Actually, after that last one, I backed off and only contact her now in a routine, detached manner. No more mentioning anything personal.

My cis female friends tell me that their daughters are the same way, though, and only call them when they want a free babysitter. My own cis parents stayed together and adored my siblings (not me..apparently disappointed in my lack of cis female behavior), yet my siblings still tried their best to have them involuntarily committed to a nursing home while they were still healthy and capable.

My divorced friends say kids in general act out like that after a divorce..usually attacking the stable parent who stayed with them.

[Dena]

"Do you think you are being selfish?"  (Hint: the only "correct" answer is YES.)  I made the mistake of defending my need to come out and transition. This was a mistake. That meant the conversation was all about me, a sure sign I was being selfish.

Strange how the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent. Maybe you should ask when you will be old enough to make your own decisions in life without her permission.