An update on me...

[Shy]

Happy 1st HRTday Michelle! It's been a pleasure to follow your progress with I bet it's flown by.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Michelle_P]

Whoa!  Both Sadies!  It's Deja Vu all over again... (bad pun for the gals I was with last night).

Yes, Sadie, I think I am finally comfortable in my own skin.  It took a while, and real life full time certainly helped push it along.

Sadie, the 8 months I have been enjoying RLE have just flown by.  The time before that, not so much.  That was a pretty painful period in my life.  I'm better now.

[Michelle_P]

I did another tech presentation last night, "More Compact Antennas" for the Benicia Amateur Radio Club. It's another sneaky physics lesson and refresher on basic principles hidden inside a lecture that looks relevant to the audience.

These are really fun to put together, and I enjoy that "Oh, I get it!" moment in the faces of some of the audience when something in the firehose of information engages with them.
Tonight's presentation went well, and my voice wasn't totally fried by the end of the night, so my speech therapist might be happier with me.   It still didn't sound very good, unfortunately.

The presentation was recorded and shared on Facebook with my permission.  You can see it in my feed if the Facebook deities are in a good mood.   As soon as I am distracted by the subject matter I lose the voice totally, and years of old bad habits dominate.  I hate it, but it just takes time, years of time, to wipe a half century of old habits and build new ones.

https://www.facebook.com/Michelle.P001 or in several videos here https://www.facebook.com/pg/BeniciaARC/videos/?ref=page_internal

One more argument for starting voice work early!

I should probably keep my phone out and running a pitch monitor during presentations to prompt me to at least maintain throat and breath control even if I do blow off prosody.

More stuff to work on... 

[Laurie]

Hi Michelle,

  Miss Moni's bad habits must be getting to me. I too would like to note your 1 year on HRT and the RLE progress you have made. Obviously I can only speak for the 6 months I've been here, but in that time I've appreciated the comments and help you've thrown my way. I've enjoyed you sharing your progress with use through this thread. These mini blogs help those of us that are newer see that transition isn't easy. It shows there are good times and bad times but they also show there is hope and proof that it can be done. Your progress has been an inspiration to me and the support you give is welcome.
  Thank you Michelle and congrats!

Hugs,
   Laurie

[SadieBlake]

Oh I'm reminded, I'd meant to ask you about fractal antenna designs, just one of many subjects I didn't get to.

I met a string theory researcher today, didn't have much time to pick his brains.

[Michelle_P]

Oh I'm reminded, I'd meant to ask you about fractal antenna designs, just one of many subjects I didn't get to.

I met a string theory researcher today, didn't have much time to pick his brains.

Oh, those antennas are weird. I've seen them in portable UHF and microwave gear but have not run across any good tech analysis.

String theory sounds like more fun. "And how many extra dimensions does YOUR model need to hold the wiggly bits?"  [emoji6]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[DawnOday]

I did another tech presentation last night, "More Compact Antennas" for the Benicia Amateur Radio Club. It's another sneaky physics lesson and refresher on basic principles hidden inside a lecture that looks relevant to the audience.

These are really fun to put together, and I enjoy that "Oh, I get it!" moment in the faces of some of the audience when something in the firehose of information engages with them.
Tonight's presentation went well, and my voice wasn't totally fried by the end of the night, so my speech therapist might be happier with me.   It still didn't sound very good, unfortunately.

The presentation was recorded and shared on Facebook with my permission.  You can see it in my feed if the Facebook deities are in a good mood.   As soon as I am distracted by the subject matter I lose the voice totally, and years of old bad habits dominate.  I hate it, but it just takes time, years of time, to wipe a half century of old habits and build new ones.

https://www.facebook.com/Michelle.P001 or in several videos here https://www.facebook.com/pg/BeniciaARC/videos/?ref=page_internal

One more argument for starting voice work early!

I should probably keep my phone out and running a pitch monitor during presentations to prompt me to at least maintain throat and breath control even if I do blow off prosody.

More stuff to work on... 

Hey now Michelle even Trump has learned to use teleprompters. So old folks can be taught.

[jentay1367]

It seems easier for me to maintain tonal quality and pitch when I can speak softly andquietly. When I'm forced to speak loudly, I've found maintaining  anyquality to be a much more difficult task and my pitch takes a nosedive.  Were you miked?

[Michelle_P]

It seems easier for me to maintain tonal quality and pitch when I can speak softly andquietly. When I'm forced to speak loudly, I've found maintaining  anyquality to be a much more difficult task and my pitch takes a nosedive.  Were you miked?

I've noticed the same thing.  I do have a personal amplifier I've used elsewhere for presentations, a waist-mounted amplifier and speaker linked to a headset microphone.  I should have used it.

I'm trying to develop the volume and maintain pitch, including up-pitch on word ending and prosody, but it's slow going.

[jentay1367]

I'm trying to develop the volume and maintain pitch, including up-pitch on word ending and prosody, but it's slow going.

Yeah....I think it'll happen organically. This stuff just doesn't seem to want to be pushed. I've found I'm starting to fall into speaking this fashion as opposed to how I did before. It kind of gives me hope that there's a tipping point of sorts.

[LizK]

So what takes you to that tipping point, I have to almost still tune up before talking ...is it really time and practice??

[jentay1367]

I'm not sure, Liz. I think for me it's simply repetitiveness. I made the choice not to go back and forth any longer about a month ago and I think that's been key. Ive found now that when I open my mouth and speak my voice comes out and not "his". It's still not perfect by a long shot. But it isn't a long shore man's voice either. So when I'm conscious of my voice I continue to raise, hone and define it. It's a bit of the down the rabbit hole thing and faking it till I'm making it.

[Michelle_P]

So what takes you to that tipping point, I have to almost still tune up before talking ...is it really time and practice??

Yes, I think that's about it. Time, practice, and not backsliding!

I THINK that what is happening is that we are rewiring the speech centers of the brain, learning the more gender-appropriate way of forming and assembling phonemes for our culture, while trying to suppress and overwrite decades of old training for the other gender.  That last bit is something not typically faced by ciswomen, and is a real challenge for us, as that old training is pretty much the automatic default.

I find that I have to be much more aware of each sound, throat tensioning, tongue placement, and so on than I was with the old voice.  That said, certain parts of my new voice are already settling in.

Chest voice now feels unnatural and wrong, and I seem to default to a better pitch, around A3.  That tells me I probably wouldn't benefit much from voice feminization surgery, which alters pitch, but doesn't touch cultural language training.  (Voice training often associated with VFS does address that, but that's what I get from a speech therapist anyway.)  With a little concentration I can be at C4 pretty easily.

The monitor software I use, SingScope, shows a graph of frequencies vs time, so I can easily see if I start ending words of phrases with the male down-pitch rather than the proper neutral or up-pitch shift for English and our culture.  (Caution: Too much up-pitch and we sound like a Valley Girl.  OMG!  Grody to the MAX!  OK fine, fer sure, fer sure!)

For exercise in prosody, I've got Aesop's Fables on the e-book reader, and I'll read one of the stories into SingScope, checking the frequencies, looking out for dropping pitch, and playing it back for prosody and overall sound.  It's a lot of work, and there are days when I just blow it all off, which isn't helping. 

If I speak softly I can sort of get by now, and generally can pass on the telephone if I'm careful.  It's really hard when out with friends, as I easily relax and drop into old bad habits.  That defeats the goal of not using the old voice and only reinforcing the new training.

I'll get there eventually. I can out-stubborn the stupid speech center.

[LizK]

Thanks Michelle I don't feel quite so bad. I guess I found my voice fairly quickly and have now been given many of the tools I need by my speech therapist ....but I also noticed that unless I think about it I will slip back into bad habits. I use magic stave to monitor my pitch but unless you are going to be using a singsong type of voice its not great at showing you where you are dropping. Over time I have gotten a better at reading it but it is still not great.

Have downloaded a copy of singscope and will have a play with that...first looks and I can see a far easier way to see where I am dropping pitch than magic stave does...I also like that it shows how much variation you are using in your pitch...OK new toy to play with when practicing today. 

[uxmal]

Hi Michelle,
Don't worry, you'll get through it. I went through the same thing. It was hard, but now I finally have my life back. I hope you have a support network of friends. A good therapist is essential to help you weather the storm. BTW: I went through mediated divorce in CA about 1 year ago and I'm in the same age group as you. Let me know if you have any questions I can help with.

best wishes-
Michele

(just one "l")

[Michelle_P]

Meanwhile this week just flew by.  I've been really busy again.  On Wednesday, after that meeting and presentation, I saw my therapist for our regular private session, then headed to my mother-in-laws place to visit with her and fix a few odds and ends.   Thursday was mostly prep and errand running for an event I did on Friday.

Friday was the big day.  I helped run an event, showing the movie "The Freedom To Marry" up at the Unitarian Universalist church, as a fundraising event for a local LGBTQ support organization.  Through considerable effort, we managed to get 110 paying customers there on a Friday night, at a church, to see a documentary film.   I'd say it was a successful event.

It was about marriage, though.  People seeking to join in partnership for mutual love and companionship...  Naturally it got me to think about my marriage, 39 years ending next Wednesday.  I'll be single then, and living on my own as a singe adult for the first time in my life. It is a very bittersweet event.

The UU church offers a monthly support group for folks going through major life transitions. I think I qualified, so I headed to the Saturday morning group meeting.  Yup.  That helped.  We talked, I listened, I passed out my contact info cards, and even hung out for a while afterward with one of the other folks, swapping life stories and doing a little tech support for her.  That was nice.  Human connection is something basic but important to our lives.

Saturday afternoon and evening I got to relax at a pool party with my trans women's social support group.  That was nice, too.  Pool, BBQ, good conversation with friends and some spouses.

On Sunday I was at the UU church for services and the coffee klatch, and hung out chatting with one of my friends well into the afternoon.  I finally excused myself, and headed downtown for what might have been the biggest single event I've had in months.

I met my 26 year old youngest daughter, the one who lives with Mom, for dinner and our second meeting after my going full-time.  This was very different from the first meeting that my mother-in-law had arranged. 

She saw me, walked up and immediately hugged me.    That's a breakthrough right there.  We spent two hours at dinner chatting and catching up, with me trying very hard to use my deep listening tools to pay close attention to everything she was saying, and deliberately making the conversation about her.  (Too much 'me', not enough 'her' has been an issue in the past.). She seemed to be having a good time, and was pretty relaxed with me by the end of the dinner.  We hugged again in parting as she headed home.
...
I just got home from my two 2 hour electrolysis sessions, my electro-Mondays, and realized this hadn't posted.  (Oops...). When I was writing it last night I was interrupted by a phone call from a friend, and we spent a couple hours straight gabbing away till midnight.  She had called to let me know about a meeting, and the topic drifted a bit over the next couple hours.     I think I'm showing signs of cultural assimilation...   

[jentay1367]

I look at how awesome a human you are. Think that you lost your wife, realize I still have mine, ponder the unfairness of it all, stare the beast that is my existence down it's throat and internalize that I have no control. It's daunting sometimes. Preparedness doesn't always equal success. Sometimes...dumb luck is at play.
     I am however, so happy to see you finding your path and trailblazing the way you have. So many of us ponder writing a book about our transition. But ours is a derivative story and there's nothing new to add to the already treadworn conversation. You, on the other hand, well....you may just have a story to tell. Not only is it interesting on a bunch of levels, but it may serve as a touchstone for those that are looking for a way through the morass that is their difficult transition. I've certainly gained from the experiences you've shared. It's been elucidating.  So thanks, Michelle, it's always awesome to read your bio. There is always food for thought to be found here.

[LizK]

I met my 26 year old youngest daughter, the one who lives with Mom, for dinner and our second meeting after my going full-time.  This was very different from the first meeting that my mother-in-law had arranged. 

She saw me, walked up and immediately hugged me.    That's a breakthrough right there.  We spent two hours at dinner chatting and catching up, with me trying very hard to use my deep listening tools to pay close attention to everything she was saying, and deliberately making the conversation about her.  (Too much 'me', not enough 'her' has been an issue in the past.). She seemed to be having a good time, and was pretty relaxed with me by the end of the dinner.  We hugged again in parting as she headed home.
...

That is such a great breakthrough, So much hard work and patience. You really deserve to have this work out so well for you...I am glad it has

[Michelle_P]

Oh, wow.  Thanks, Lisa, now that's going to go to my head and I'll be so top-heavy I won't be able to walk.

The thing with the marriage officially ending is a little odd.  It's been over for a long time.  In retrospect, over for years, with sheer inertia carrying it and us forward.  Now, after 39 years, it will be legally ended in a few minutes.  It is a strange feeling, taking a 39 year shared experience, and having someone decide to flush half a lifetime down the toilet like it was a dead goldfish, because they were afraid of what their friends would say. ("You're a transphobic fool!", I hope. )

It's almost past and done with, and there is no reason to dwell on it, but I do.  I'll get over it, and treat it like any other event in the past, something we cannot alter in retrospect, and must accept as part of the past from which we move forward.

So, forward it is. 

[SadieBlake]

I remember getting to that point with my ex, that was 18 years ago (following 3 years of separation). I sometimes wonder what she thinks about my transition, I'm sure my daughters have told her and never having known the woman to be charitable in her opinions of me, I doubt it's giod but then she may have toned down some by now.

I can only offer best wishes and of course hugs hon