Telling my ex-partner

[diana-trans]

Hello everybody, I'm a 38 old transgender woman, and I just recently told my ex-partner, with whom I had a son, 2 and a half years ago, that I'm transgender. She flipped out because she doesn't want our son to go to therapy because of me, and she will prevent me from seing him, if I decide not to be a father to him (because he already has a mother).
Has anyone had any type of experience like this?

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[Steph7]

Firstly as hard as it must have been it was the right step to tell the other parent of your child about this.

Secondly my psychiatrist assures me that children under the age of ten just take things like gender in their stride - which I am counting on as I have 2 under the age of 6.

Thirdly my wife tried the same argument that my children deserved to have a daddy and a mummy- but the reality of this is my children deserve to have 2 parents that love them deeply and support them. Maybe in time conceding the label of mummy is just for the biological mother and accepting another name for yourself might help calm the waters but at this early stage little is likely to help your ex-wife - except for time and her discussing her fears with a professional. But my advice here is theoretical as I am in the same place as you and I don't know how this will end - but I wish you the best.

Take Care
Steph

[Mia]

My ex played a lot of games after I came out to my then 9 and 11 year old children. She took me to court to try to force the kids to call me Daddy even though they chose Maddy as their name for me. That was ignored by the Judge. She tried to force therapy for me and her, but I couldn't get a therapist to agree to take it on (even tried to bribe one with $500 cash to sit and listen). Therapists wouldn't cooperate because it was bogus, none of my ex's business and unethical for them to force me to listen to her abuse.

Bottom line, though - there are studies that prove that the damage from transitioning does not come from the loving parent who has transitioned, it comes from the hostile co-parent. Your ex needs to grow up and realize that this is a good time to teach your child about love, acceptance, tolerance whatever.

My ex continues to rail against me, mock me, deride me...as do her parents, right in front of our children. Every time our children hear the crap it strenthens their bond with me. You will be fine as long as you continue to be loving and attentive to your child's needs.

[diana-trans]

My ex played a lot of games after I came out to my then 9 and 11 year old children. She took me to court to try to force the kids to call me Daddy even though they chose Maddy as their name for me. That was ignored by the Judge. She tried to force therapy for me and her, but I couldn't get a therapist to agree to take it on (even tried to bribe one with $500 cash to sit and listen). Therapists wouldn't cooperate because it was bogus, none of my ex's business and unethical for them to force me to listen to her abuse.

Bottom line, though - there are studies that prove that the damage from transitioning does not come from the loving parent who has transitioned, it comes from the hostile co-parent. Your ex needs to grow up and realize that this is a good time to teach your child about love, acceptance, tolerance whatever.

My ex continues to rail against me, mock me, deride me...as do her parents, right in front of our children. Every time our children hear the crap it strenthens their bond with me. You will be fine as long as you continue to be loving and attentive to your child's needs.

Thank you. I will always love my son, and nothing in this world can change that.

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[Megan.]

Diana, I'm currently in the same boat, message from my Ex and my own parents is that if I transition, they don't want me in the life of my two young children. I have to choose between walking away from my family and children or things getting very messy and expensive legally 😞.

[Mia]

I'm not sure if this will be any help, but here is part of the email that I sent my ex when I came out to her. As I said, she really tried to work a hysterical angle about the impact on our children, but really no one other than her attorney ($$$) was at all interested.

"I have very carefully and thoroughly researched the legal end of this. I have consulted not only with my attorney, but also with other legal organizations such as National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR), Transgender Law Center (TLC), National Center for Transgender Equality and even the ACLU. I've done this mainly because of your history of homophobic abuse. Your past leads me to believe that you will actually benefit from understanding that your bullying is not only a personal attack on me, rather that it is not tolerated in any way within our legal system.

I have also researched numerous studies regarding the impact a transgender parent has on their children. The vast majority of reports state that the very worst impact on a child comes not from the transgender parent, but instead from a hostile co-parent who cannot isolate their hatred for the other parent from their responsibility to love and support their children. As one report stated, "Divorce may be inevitable between parent and parent, but divorce need not be inevitable between parent and child." (Green, R., Transsexuals' Children. IJT 2, 4, http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0601.htm)."

[diana-trans]

I'm not sure if this will be any help, but here is part of the email that I sent my ex when I came out to her. As I said, she really tried to work a hysterical angle about the impact on our children, but really no one other than her attorney ($$$) was at all interested.

"I have very carefully and thoroughly researched the legal end of this. I have consulted not only with my attorney, but also with other legal organizations such as National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR), Transgender Law Center (TLC), National Center for Transgender Equality and even the ACLU. I've done this mainly because of your history of homophobic abuse. Your past leads me to believe that you will actually benefit from understanding that your bullying is not only a personal attack on me, rather that it is not tolerated in any way within our legal system.

I have also researched numerous studies regarding the impact a transgender parent has on their children. The vast majority of reports state that the very worst impact on a child comes not from the transgender parent, but instead from a hostile co-parent who cannot isolate their hatred for the other parent from their responsibility to love and support their children. As one report stated, "Divorce may be inevitable between parent and parent, but divorce need not be inevitable between parent and child." (Green, R., Transsexuals' Children. IJT 2, 4, http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0601.htm)."

Thank you for your help. I'll look into the law here in Portugal, to know what my rights are.

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