Still confused... Can't seem to figure anything out :(

[needhelp]

So I'm still so confused as to how to figure if when I see women, be it pictures or whatever I like them or I just want to be them... I don't know why but it does not matter the woman, it feels as if I'm seeing a reflection of me which I want to touch... say change the way my hair looks, or such. When I see men it just doesn't happen even if I force it to. Not sure if this just means I like women and not men or I wanna be those women or what.
How did you guys realized this? Or came to the conclusion that in fact you needed to look like a woman (besides feeling like one inside).

Thanks !

[PrincessCrystal]

...have you tried talking to a gender therapist?  I mean, if you look in the mirror and want to keep feminizing yourself until you pass, that's a pretty good sign you want to be a woman and should start getting therapy for it...

As for me, it was just this gradual realization that I was no where near as masculine as people thought of me as, the sudden realization that I wanted to be a girl in my relationships (especially sex), and the eventual realization that I actually enjoy the way I look when I'm done up as a pretty girl.  Honestly though, those are just random traits: it's really about who you feel like you are on the inside, and there's no easy way to explain that.  If you're female, you just kind of know.

Be patient.  Experiment.  See a therapist.

[KathyLauren]

I understand the confusion.  I have been the same way most of my life.  I want to be a woman and I want to be with women, and the two overlap.  It can be hard to tell which is motivating me at any moment.

The suggestion to see a gender therapist is a good one.  Helping you figure this stuff out is what they do.

[CarlyMcx]

There are some things you just need to learn by actual experience, and some people can only learn about themselves through actual experience.  I did not fully realize that I needed to transition until the first time I put on a wig, clothing and makeup and saw myself in the mirror.  At that time I was still expecting to see a lunky middle age guy in women's clothing, but I saw a pretty girl in the mirror, and in that second I knew that I was seeing myself in the mirror for the first time since puberty.

It took that experience for me to fully realize that I had never been really comfortable as a guy, that before that the mirror had just been a grooming tool for occasional use, and that for a long, long time I had been going from interest to interest, trying to substitute a sense of accomplishment for real happiness.  YMMV

[Vervain]

I second/third/whatever the suggestion of a therapist.

Something from my own experience may be of use, or not. So, I was raised in complete isolation (homeschooled), Mom worked and did a lot of OT, and she had no idea my father was forcefully raising me to be the son he wanted. Punished for any interest in anything female, punished for "moving" in a feminine fashion, etc, to the point that my body language, vocal tones, word choice, body movements, etc, are still highly masculine at 31. I don't have the spoons with my disability to try to relearn this, and it means despite the fact that I dress very femme, I'll still get misgendered. My girlfriend has mentioned she has to regularly remind herself I identify as female because the body language and such read male to her. So... that's my background.

Growing up, Mom introduced me to science fiction and fantasy books. I read, a LOT, because it was a way to escape what I was going through. Now, even though I'm queer and almost exclusively attracted to female-identifying/feminine-leaning people, I noticed that when I read books with awesome female characters... I didn't want to be involved with them. I wanted to BE them. Despite no interest in real life men, I'd find myself attracted to some of the male characters (I think it's probably that the things I'm attracted to in fictional men are rare in RL men), but the women? Nope, never attracted. It was always that I read about them and the awesome things they did and how strong they were and I wanted to BE them.

That's a little different than looking at pictures, but it's kinda similar. I think that it's true for both, though. Whether you're reading books with strong female protagonists or looking at pictures of women you admire... if your reaction isn't attraction but what you feel deep down is that you want to BE them, or be LIKE them... that's not attraction. That says more about who you ARE and who you want to BE.

I suggest a therapist versed in gender because they can help you better to figure things out and put them into words.

*hugs and cookies offered*

[needhelp]

Thank you all for the replies. I just don't know... It's very hard to explain. I just see images of women... And I feel like if I was to touch my hair, that in turn would move the hair in the picture... or like If I thought of touching that woman (imagining it's real life...), say I touch her scalp.. I have this feeling I'm touching my scalp. I'm confused because that to me sounds more like mentally ill rather than wanting to be them sometimes ... It's as if... I see a woman and I get this sensation in my throat, like of relief, but see a man and I don't...

Very very confused hehe...