I feel lost

[laure_natasha]

How long have your been pausing now? One stupid thing in our relationship is, I think she doesn't see my suffering and is really happy with what she got back...
The more I think, the more I know, it's not going to stay paused for me anymore for a long time... during talks with good friends, and all the experience I read here I tried to focus on what I need, and there is simply only one way for me... to definitely continue my transition as soon as possible...

Three weeks and it's proving unbearable. I'm sure my wife notices the discomfort. It's the worst conundrum imaginable for both of us because there is such deep love and shared experience at risk.

[Sophia Sage]

Does your wife love you, or the idea she has of you? I find that kind of ultimatum poisonous, because as a transwoman, you are manipulated into believing you don't love her enough if you do the unavoidable

As a woman, how could you even stand it?  She can be herself, but you can't?  What is this, junior high?

[TonyaW]

Does your wife love you, or the idea she has of you? I find that kind of ultimatum poisonous, because as a transwoman, you are manipulated into believing you don't love her enough if you do the unavoidable: transitioning. Personally, I refused to be blackmailed in that way and helped her pack her bags.

I got the "if you loved me enough you wouldn't do this".  No, if I didn't love you enough I wouldn't care what you think or want to still be with you.  The response should be that if she loved me enough it wouldn't matter to her. 

Of course it's not that simple.  She wants me to be something I'm not (a man) and I want her to be something she is not (a lesbian).

Hopefully once we get past all the initial trauma and the feelings can be controlled long enough to rationally  talk things out we can work something out.

A somewhat  similar situation to the original post.  Hopefully you can get her to look at things from your perspective
(Mine has not yet).  Might not change her mind but maybe can get her to see how much not transitioning is hurting you.



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[Paige]

I feel lost and don't know what to do... My wife gave me the very hard ultimatum "transition or a life with her" some month ago, during this time, I was on HRT some weeks and most day's I felt happier than ever in my life before. I was happy about the changes, I was happy about the first mistakes and uncertainties from people I didn't know. I continued HRT for some weeks and tried to think about what I'll do...

I love her, she's the circle of my life. So I stopped my transition. Stopped HRT. Stopped wearing clothes I liked. And focused on giving her the "man" back, she married - the military-muscle-karate-guy she loved... I forced my brain to feel comfortable in my body and my life, and it worked. We were happy together, like we used to be before. 3-4 weeks later, I started to feel uncomfortable, jealous and sad again. The depression came back. Day by day stronger. The need to restart my transition again came back...

I didn't talk to anyone yet about the last weeks. I don't know what to do... I feel so lost, and can't find any solution for me. The only thing I know and I will hold on is, that I'm not going to lie to my wife again, and I'll not do anything behind her back...

Hi Eleonore,

Going through the same thing right now.  I stopped my low dose E about a week ago.  I just couldn't take the distance with my wife anymore.  I also kept looking at all the energy I would need to transition in my mid-50s.  Maybe I've been worn down by all the conflict, but I look at the long list of things I would need to do and it makes me almost ill.  So basically it wasn't all my wife.  Going off E just seemed easier.

For the first few days it felt like I could do it but it seems to slowly be creeping back into my brain again.  When I started feeling that agitation,  the impatience, the lack of calmness I had to reach for an E to calm myself down.  I really don't know if I can do this but I don't know if I can handle transition either.  Geez I hate this.

This is so tough.  I really feel for you Eleonore,
Paige

[Naomi71]

Of course it's not that simple.  She wants me to be something I'm not (a man) and I want her to be something she is not (a lesbian).

I don't think the desire to transition is identical to wanting your partner to be lesbian,

[TonyaW]

I don't think the desire to transition is identical to wanting your partner to be lesbian,

No, not exactly  but its similar in that her asking me not to transition and me asking her to become a lesbian, we are both asking the other to go against how we identify.  I can't make her attracted to women any more than she can make me not be one.

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[Stacitg1]

I have a similar situation. I have tried to get my wife to go to therapy with me but she seems to think it's the therapists fault that I feel this way. My therapist has asked me all the hard questions and asked my do I think this or that will work. She definitely has not pushed me in any way. I to have started HRT and am on a medium to low dose. My wife lets me go out dressed on occasion but does not want me to go full time. She does not want to see me dressed or acting feminine. She has asked me to stop the HRT if I get to the point that any further changes in my body would be irreversible. I don't think I will be able to stop. I feel so much better since starting HRT 3 months ago and my breasts started budding about 3 weeks ago. I have not told my wife about that and can't bring myself to do so. Another month and it will probably be to hard to keep hiding.

I don't think this ever goes away. I am tired of living a lie so it is looking more and more like my marriage will be ending within another year or less. We need to do what is best for our own health.

[Anothergirlsparadise]

You might explain to your wife that it may have appeared perfect to her but she has at least in part been attracted to the feminine side of you. In your case while you love her you have been uncomfortable before and after the marriage suppressing this part of you. I suspect she will be blind to the discomfort you were suffering as people who can fully empathize with others are rare but at least you will have tried.

A lot of transwoman were ultra masculine before transition so you cant blame their wife's that they are suprised and a lot of them did not fall in love with a feminine side.

Everyone has it. But thats another discussion. It has nothing to do with gender ID.
And its really too much to ask for understanding from someone who fell in love with a man and not a woman.
Out of respect for your partner...just leave.

She does not owe you anything

[Miharu Barbie]

Hiya Ladies.

I feel a little lost too.  I've read all of your stories here, and I am filled with a burning desire to shower you all with love.  I feel lost because I don't know how to express my love for you all in a way that might be genuinely felt.

It has been 18 years since the love of my life dumped me to find a "real man".  It has been 18 years since transitioned became my Beloved salvation.  In spite of my present marriage of 9 years to a woman that I love very much, the love I feel for my first wife (who I have not talked to in many years) is as strong and bitter-sweet as ever. 

I don't dwell on the regret of her leaving me, and I haven't for many, many years, but I won't lie and pretend that I don't wish the love of my life had not left me. 

I tell you this with all sincerity and not a shred a doubt; if she and I had stayed together, and if I had chosen not to transition all those years ago, my first wife would have buried me a long time ago and I would not be around to share this feeling of love that I'm experiencing for all of you.

I love you!  I love you!  I love you!  I know it's cliché, but life is hard choices.  Do what you must to cultivate peace of mind within yourself.  And if those who promised to love you always and forever forget their promise and lose their way, well love them anyway.  The act of loving them anyway will keep the welcome mat out for love to find you again.

And in the meantime, I love you!

Miharu