Struggling....

[Shiro M.]

Things are just horrible for me, my depression and anxiety gets wors everyday, my gender dysphoria gets worse everyday, I can't function. I can't go on estrogen until my therapist aproves it. If I tell anybody about my suicidal intentions they'll just hospitalize me. I just... I don't know........

[Stella Blue]

I feel for you, cause I get those same feelings too often...

When I get suicidal thoughts I just think of how happy I could be living life in as short as a couple of months. Situations change and while the pain is tremendous and difficult, just think if you are holding on now can't it get better from here? These thoughts are my antagonist to suicide. I know one can only go on for so long in such pain but never end anything too hastily because if you had the ability of hindsight after you will most likely regret it.

[Janet_Girl]

One day at a time. one step at a time.  Think only of the next step and focus on it.

[V M]

Hey... Take a deep breath and RELAX

There is plenty to do in the mean time to prep yourself

I was in the same boat a couple of years ago but now I'm seven months on E and starting to find my way through the journey

No, it isn't a cakewalk... Yes I still have my bouts with depression and dark thoughts and other issues to deal with

If a basket case like me can hang in there and keep going, anyone can... Yes, even you

So don't give up... You are not alone... There are many here with you who are or have been in the same spot

{{{HUGS}}}

- Virginia

[Interconnected]

Hi,

I don't know much about your situation so I can't really say "I totally understand what you're going through."  That said, I do know what it's like to feel depressed and anxiety-ridden because of gender dysphoria. 

Some random thoughts and suggestions:

1.  Take 10 or 15 deeeeeep breaths.  Seriously.  Relax and expel all thoughts from your head.  Focus on breathing as deeply and peacefully as you can.

2.  Try to focus on being patient.  Yes, gender dysphoria sucks, and yes, it would be great to just snap your fingers and become the person you feel you are inside.   But that's not reality.  I don't know how old you are, but you've made it this far -- don't throw everything away now when you're finally doing something positive to resolve your gender dysphoria!  That would be a pointless waste!  You deserve better than that.

3.  Something I've found to be very helpful is to write out a list of milestones in chronological order to help you see that steady progress as you march towards your ultimate goal.  Milestones like therapy, starting hormones, coming out to people, identification changes (passport, driver's license, etc.)  Work to achieve those milestones, and check them off as you go.  You can even reward yourself with something as you check each one off your list. 

4.  I know it's easier said than done, but try not to wallow in depression and anxiety.  Get out an do things to make you happy now.  Exercise, spend time with friends, volunteer someplace to try and help others less fortunate than you.  The future will come, but obsessing over it will make every minute until then seem excruciatingly slow.

5.  There are literally tens of millions of people in this world who are worse off than you are.  Watch Diving Bell and the Butterfly, for example.  Or take a little vacation to Sudan.  Or go visit the cancer ward at your local hospital.  Appreciate the good things in your life. Count them.  Write them down. 

6.  If you're still feeling desperate, call a hotline and talk to someone.     

[arbon]

Hi Shiro M.

I do know to how hard it can all be on ones mental well being. I struggle a lot with it myself. Some good suggestions allready but another thing to that helps me sometimes is to try and do something good or be of some service to someone else  - for example I made dinner for a friend and her family the other night as they were all sick and stuck in the house, or calling my mother in law tonight and just letting her know I care about her ( and to also ask if she could include the daughter of one of our friends in her nightly prayers - I don't know I think God listens to her more then to me)

There are all sorts of little things that can be done and I alot of times when I can do that it helps lift me up a bit because I am not thinking as much about my problem, but rather trying to help someone else and for a little bit it can help me.

[Kay Henderson]

There are all sorts of little things that can be done and I alot of times when I can do that it helps lift me up a bit because I am not thinking as much about my problem, but rather trying to help someone else and for a little bit it can help me.

I agree.  I learned the same lesson. 

I started doing volunteer work solely as a way to gain confidence in public.  Before long, it became about the people I was helping instead of about me.

It's no solution to the very real pain of gender dysphoria or depression, but it does help.

[Stella Blue]

How are you doing Shiro?? I hope things are at least a little bit better... would like to hear from you..

[jesse]

hugs shiro please stay with us
jessica

[justmeinoz]

hang in there, and don't let them win! We are here to support you, so don't feel alone.  if it gets too much , phone LifeLine or the local equivalent, they really are waiting to help.

[Kay Henderson]

Maybe it's worth saying that some of us who have been where you are can understand how you might interpret our advice as somewhat simplistic, considering the very difficult problems you're dealing with.  That's how I would have reacted.

In the throes of gender dysphoria and depression, I couldn't be objective enough to see that time and patience really are the great healers.  Things do get better - a lot better.  Just because you can't see a solution yet doesn't mean there isn't one.  I can't even count the number of times I thought the rest of my life would be defined by my immediate circumstances - only to find that I was wrong yet again.

My nearly 69 years of life experience says you have great value - to us, to yourself, to people you don't even know yet.

I send you my love, as a fellow human being.  You can get through this.

[Shiro M.]

Even when things, get better things get worse. 2nd appointment with my gender therapist, things go well, I leave feeling decent and kinda hopeful. My dad takes me to a second-hand store to pick out a pair of girls pants and a girls shirt, it was embarrassing and scary as hell(especially since I look like a hoodrat with my hoodie and baggy jeans), but I got through it. i go home, my dad tells my sister I'm transgendered(with my permission of course), and I try on my new clothes. I felt really good, way more comfortable and the pants and shirt were a decent match. I then realized that I looked absolutely terrible in the clothes, I haven't even started ant-androgens yet. I realized that even though I felt a little better, i can never make any real progress until I start on E. I can't tuck either, since my testes refuse to stay or go where I want them to. I just can't even believe it, things went so well... then its all crushed by the realization that I can't feel anywhere close to good, until I start E and look atleast mildy feminine. I'm such a lost cause, I've got just this summer and things are going too slowly. When next school year comes, I won't be a girl, I'll be a boy, and another year of hell will begin. The uncomfortability eith my family isn't getting better, I don't know what else I can do. my life sucks and it isn't getting better. Even if I started E right now it wouldn't feminize my face......... $%^& my life, $%^& me, and $%^& the cruel deity that toys with me like a piece of trash. I can't feel any joy anymore, just pain and sadness and hopelessness. I won't call a hotline so they can thow me in a hospital again, thinking that forcing me to someplace safe will make my suicidal thoughts any better. I should just die, why shouldn't I? Nothings here, nothing waiting, and anything that is, is being ripped away. $%^& me.

[Stella Blue]

How old are you Shiro?? Think about how much life there is ahead of you, don't get so caught up in now. The time will come when you will be able to change yourself on the outside, in the meantime work on staying in touch with inside.

Find simple things that can make you happy when you are feeling so hopeless. Try doing smaller things to feminize yourself without hormones maybe if you haven't already. Getting the clothes was a perfect example of doing little things to feel better and try not to think about how you look in them but how comforting it is to be wearing them. It feels right doesn't it?? There are plenty of the little things that can add up and make you feel better... it can be subtle, but it works.

The main thing though is getting in touch with yourself and seeing how you feel, what you want to do. Don't let outside influences whether it be family, friends, strangers, religion, ect be a deterrent to the path that is right for you.  *hugs*

[Shiro M.]

*sighs* Okay, I've brought this up before but its gotten worse. Half the time I have a painful erection that only goes away with copious amounts of mastrubation. Nothing else works, I've even tried draining the blood with a syringe, but it springs up again shortly after. Right now I can't just wait in quiet pain until I start on E. Please! I need advice!

[pebbles]

Consider for a moment how hard things would be for you if this was 1940.
Now think about how comparatively easy it is to transition in 2010.
Things could be a lot worse.

How dose invalidating persons feelings of desperation, sadness and isolation by telling them it could be worse help them in any way?

The guilt you heap on with such remarks dosen't help.

Shiro... You know that hormones aren't the end all of transition, If you want to transition you need to know that hormones are only a step. A big one that you will need and is often withheld yes but you can do other things in the mean time that work towards transition either partly or fully to help alleviate your feelings.

Work on your voice build up your wardrobe hell if your really really brave you could change your name. present part time (only if you can get away with it), Start electrolysis Unless your already doing these things in which case I'd admit they are begin cruel. And this of course assuming your feelings are related to your feelings of dysphoria. It depends on whats happening in your life to make you feel that way.

[Cindy]

*sighs* Okay, I've brought this up before but its gotten worse. Half the time I have a painful erection that only goes away with copious amounts of mastrubation. Nothing else works, I've even tried draining the blood with a syringe, but it springs up again shortly after. Right now I can't just wait in quiet pain until I start on E. Please! I need advice!

See your doctor urgently.
Cindy

[Just Kate]

*sighs* Okay, I've brought this up before but its gotten worse. Half the time I have a painful erection that only goes away with copious amounts of mastrubation. Nothing else works, I've even tried draining the blood with a syringe, but it springs up again shortly after. Right now I can't just wait in quiet pain until I start on E. Please! I need advice!

24/7 or only when stimulated?

[Bam]

For me even after transition i had nobody to talk to that knew what i had gone through so this site was a great find as most of the time you can find solace as well as answers on this site. Most of us have been there or are going there,ther is a great bunch of ladies on this site.
It is always darkest before the dawn!!!