...Marriage.

[Meria]

Hello everyone! This is a touchy topic, but I really need some feedback. Quick introdution! Meria, 25 years, music teacher. I had my identity documents changed 8 years ago, and 3 years ago I had my reasignment surgery.

It's been a long time since I last posted here. Everything is going wonderful... So wonderful that someone who said one and a million times that she would never get married... Is actually considering it after meeting the right person.

I met him two years ago, and things could not be better. I'm going through the best time of my life, but as it has always been, there are complications. He's been talking a lot about us going to Sweden, his country, to begin a new life... And marriage has been mentioned a few times, something I can't help but to consider now. I wouldn't love anything else more than leaving this place behind and starting a whole fresh, new life, it's all I've ever wanted.   

Now here comes the touchy part; not him, nor his family, have any idea of my past. I transitioned as a teenager, I didn't have more than two friends back then, we moved a lot and I didn't mingle with people, which has made things easier for me to not be recognized. I pass really well, hell, so well not even most of the people I know are aware with a few exceptions, those being my closest relatives, who are very supportive and discrete about it. As far as I'm concearned, I suffered a lot for this already, it's been a long time since the last time I've cried or spoken about this matter, and as time goes by, I'm happier and happier, living the life I wanted. I know this is an edgy topic, but my perspective on it is burying the past, and so far, I've been nothing but successful and content with the results.

But I couldn't help but to worry, like I haven't done for the past three years, about that buried secret being discovered, because I'm not aware of how the laws of marriage and immigration work. The thought of a big red asterisk next to my name scares me. Is it possible, that during the process of those things, the information would be brought up?

Thank you so much for reading, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[JMJW]

Wouldn't he find your hormones though? At some point in a marriage? 

[KathyLauren]

I understand that you are facing a tough dilemma.  On the one hand, you are enjoying living in stealth mode.  On the other hand ... well, you probably wouldn't be asking the question unless you thought that telling him might be the right thing to do.

I am not likely to face your situation, since I was already married before I understood that I was trans.  But this is not something that I could imaging keeping from a prospective spouse.  You want your spouse to be your ally in all things.  How can he be your ally if he doesn't know?

Though your past is buried right now, you have one, and it could resurface.  Suppose something or someone from your past turns up and your transition is exposed - what then?  Your husband would most likely feel betrayed.

Telling those we love about our true nature is risky.  I hesitated for months before coming out to my wife.  I feared that she would leave me.  She surprised me (though I should not really have been surprised) my becoming my biggest supporter.  The risk was worth it in my case.

[Vervain]

First, I wish to establish this is absolutely your decision, and one I do not envy you.

My personal opinion is that even though you live stealth, your experiences are still part of your past and personal history. I would, myself, be hesitant about marrying someone I did not feel I could trust with my history as well as my heart. It is a terrifying step to tell someone you've been involved with for so long that there is something major you haven't shared, but I would ask, what would happen if you chose not to tell him, and he later found out from other sources?

I feel very strongly that a long-term relationship, and particularly one formal such as a handfasting or legal marriage, should be established on mutual trust. I would dearly hope that your hopeful fiance would be someone you could trust with ANYTHING. I personally have trouble imagining not sharing my own history with my fiancee, although since she is a trans woman herself and I am on the trans* spectrum as well, it is a somewhat different situation.

My best wishes to you both, regardless of whether or not you choose to tell him. I truly hope you find all the happiness in the world with your beloved partner. *hugs and cookies offered*

[Steph Eigen]

I agree.  This is not a transgender issue at this point.  You owe it to yourself and your fiancee to be entirely forthright on the issue of your transition.  At some point it will become known.  Even if decades later over something such as a medical incident when it becomes unavoidable to disclose the medical history.

There must be hundreds of threads on this site discussion if and when  to disclose gender transition when meeting or dating a potential intimate partner.  This is NOT the same question.   Marriage is a solemn commitment based on complete trust.

[Meria]

Thank you all for your replies, it is not that I don't trust him. He has showed himself to be very open about people, and he's the kindest person I've ever met.

I'm the one who's not ready. I just don't feel ready to be open about it with anyone. Even with a soulmate, I still feel like everyone has the right to keep him o her privacy, I never asked anyone for their personal secrets. If I'm supposed to be true to myself, well, this is being true to myself to me, because I don't feel it any other way, if that makes sense to you. 

[JMJW]

What does he think of the specific issue of gender identity?

[PrincessCrystal]

First thing you need him to be aware of: does he know that you are infertile?  This is a HUGE issue for some guys, because they want children.  Tell him you were born without a functioning uterus or ovaries and that you take pills for hormones.  If he accepts that sort of thing, that should be more important than the transgender stuff on a rational level.

[BeverlyAnn]

As Vervain pointed out, this is a decision only you can make.  All we can do is offer what if's.

One thing that is a common theme when someone comes out as trans to a spouse after marriage is the spouse saying they feel betrayed.  Many times that feeling is caused by what spouses say is a lack of trust, that the person they married didn't trust them enough to reveal this secret.  Yes, we all know that coming out to someone we love is one of the hardest things we can possibly do, simply because we fear rejection.  But that feeling of betrayal is even worse when it is discovered by accident.

So all that being said, what happens in 10-20-30 years when the secret comes out?  How is he going to feel knowing you weren't honest with him?  Sure you may be lucky and sail through the next 50 years and it never be known but the chances are it will be.  What happens when you have an abdominal MRI or CT and the doctor asks when your surgery was in front of him?  Or some similar revelation?  I understand what you are saying about you aren't ready to open up.  But if there is one thing I have learned in over 46 years of being married, it's that honesty is of paramount importance to a marriage.  This may be hard to hear but you really need to ask yourself, if you aren't ready to open up to him, are you really ready to be married to him?

But again, the final decision is yours and you have to be ready for any consequences.

[DawnOday]

If an asterisk is all that stands between you and a life of happiness. Remember everyone you meet has made their decision on how they want to live. What is wrong with you making yours? That's why acceptance is more important than passing.

[DawnOday]

I've been married twice. Once for three years and once for 35. Which one do you think I told about my sexual confusion at the beginning of our relationship?

[Sophia Sage]

Hi Meria,

I for one share your philosophy -- this is entirely up to you, and you get to live your life exactly the way you want, in accordance to your truth.  Bravo, and congratulations!  The only thing I think you'd be obliged to let him know is that you're infertile, because marriage often comes with the expectation of having kids.  Otherwise, let the past stay in the past, just let it go and live in the here and now.

As to your actual question -- I'm assuming that by having your documents in order, you're including a passport. Apparently, this and your marriage certificate would be the only documents you'd need to get a residency permit in Sweden.  After three years, you can become a naturalized citizen.  There's even an online application here you could play around with to see what they want to know.

The big question to figure out is determining what would come up on your background check.  Depending on the specifics of your transition (such as what country you did it in, particularly the US), the name change is most likely.  However, as far as I know, such aliases typically don't appear on your current state documents, wherever you are.  Sweden uses Lifos as their "country of origin" database, so I'd definitely look into that.  When you're ready to naturalize, there's an "interview" with someone at the state department -- you might want to do that on your own, if at all possible.

Even if your changes came up, it would not invalidate your marriage, given Sweden's extremely progressive stance on LGBT rights. 

Finally, if you future husband does find out, it won't be because you asked for it.  I know another woman who was in a similar situation as yours, and the husband found out by accident, but it became a non-issue because of how she handled it -- this was a psychologically difficult thing to go through, she's 100% assured in her own womanhood and doesn't consider herself anything else but, she insists on complete discretion, and doesn't really want to bring it up ever again (though she did give him a week to ask questions).  They are still happily together years later.  As you know, if someone truly loves you (like your close family members) they will follow your lead. 

Best of luck to you, and stay true to your true self!

[Karen_A]

But I couldn't help but to worry, like I haven't done for the past three years, about that buried secret being discovered, because I'm not aware of how the laws of marriage and immigration work.

The information may come out unexpectedly and as others mentioned that if a spouse finds out from someone else or by chance the reaction is likely to be negative because of feelings of betrayal/ lack of trust, if nothing else.

If that  possibility does not affect you, then with luck maybe it could work for you... But if that possibility hanging over your head bothers you, could you live like that of the rest of your life without it affecting you and the relationship negatively in the long term?

While it is a personal decision only you can make for yourself, my belief is that not disclosing before marriage is unwise. If one thinks a spouse might have an issue with it and one does not tell, what is the relationship really based on? IMO marriage is the ONLY time that it IS someone else's business...

I know the situation is unfair, but unfortunately it is one of the many unfair things that people born transsexual have to deal with.

- Karen

[PrincessCrystal]

Yes, you should DEFINITELY tell him before you get married.  If he's not understanding, he's not the one.

[Sophia Sage]

Yes, you should DEFINITELY tell him before you get married.  If he's not understanding, he's not the one.

If he's not understanding, he shouldn't be told in the first place. If he's truly understanding, he wouldn't need to be told.

Look, it's a Catch-22. 

In the end, as always, it has to come down to your personal truth. If you're "female," and you're being gendered female, then coming out is asking someone to treat you differently, and as far as I'm concerned that typically contradicts what's needed to treat gender dysphoria.  However, if your truth is oriented around being "trans," then you absolutely need to come out, or that aspect of yourself won't get recognized.

Marriage has nothing to do with it.  And let's not romanticize this -- most relationships do not last forever.  Marriages are just as likely to end in divorce as in "death do us part," and if this one ends in divorce then the narrative disclosure will surely become quite the issue, and there's no guarantee the ex-spouse won't spread the story far and wide. 

I think Meria made it pretty clear that she wasn't looking for reasons to change her practice of non-disclosure.  She was looking for feedback on how to maintain this practice given the bureaucracy of marriage and immigration.  There wouldn't be an issue for marriage, actually -- there are no background checks.  There might be for immigration, depending on the extent of Sweden's policies, and what's in their database.  Even then, it wouldn't be an issue until naturalization, three years down the line after residency.  At which point Meria would have a much better idea of how the marriage is going.  And even if/when she naturalizes, there's a good chance the information would be compartmentalized.  Sweden is perhaps the most progressive country in the world.

[Kylo]

Personally I believe if two people can't be honest about this topic, and deal with it together, that's not a good foundation for a life together. I mean if you don't feel comfortable telling this person you want to be with for life about who you are, and what your worries are entering a new country and all that paperwork, that indicates issues either with yourself or with him.

Sure, everyone has a right to forget their past and not bring it up again, but marriage and relationships aren't just about what one person wants. You should be in a relationship with someone who is supportive and understanding. If he finds out later and throws a wobbler over it, and of your keeping it from him, this could be ten times more for devastating for you. You might find yourself alone in a strange country with no support.

[PrincessCrystal]

I think Meria made it pretty clear that she wasn't looking for reasons to change her practice of non-disclosure.

I'm saying that, in this case, that is a bad policy.  The last thing you want is to be several years into a marriage and he finds out you've been actively hiding this from him.  Yes, in a perfect world, it would not matter, but you don't want to risk that being an issue.  I can tell you that if I was him, 3 years from now, and I found out that my spouse had actively hid something like that from me, I would be pretty upset that they refused to be honest.

[JMJW]

If he's not understanding, he shouldn't be told in the first place. If he's truly understanding, he wouldn't need to be told.

Look, it's a Catch-22. 

I don't think it is. Telling people isn't about personal truths, but about personal safety. If you detect a hint of transphobia, you break off the relationship without telling him. You have to test the water at this point. Can't just dive in.

If he's a trans ally, it's so much better to hear it from you, where you can control how it's done and minimize risk, in a loving way, instead of from someone or something else years down the road, who won't be kind in their delivery.

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

[Sophia Sage]

I'm saying that, in this case, that is a bad policy.  The last thing you want is to be several years into a marriage and he finds out you've been actively hiding this from him.  Yes, in a perfect world, it would not matter, but you don't want to risk that being an issue.  I can tell you that if I was him, 3 years from now, and I found out that my spouse had actively hid something like that from me, I would be pretty upset that they refused to be honest.

The last thing I'd want is to be in a marriage (or any kind of emotionally intimate relationship, for that matter) where he knew at all, let alone one where I lacked the confidence to stay true to my own convictions.

And if it ever were to come to light, and he reacted like you are saying you would, and he didn't toe the line exactly as I would lay it down, the relationship would be over on my part.  No, he'd have to be the sort of person that would understand and sympathize perfectly with my position. But that would only happen honestly provided I stayed righteously true to my position in the first place.

Now, Meria might have a completely different take, and that's completely fine.  I'll happily support whatever she wants to do -- after all, it's her life.  But as it's currently laid out, in Meria's particular situation, I think it's highly unlikely her beau would ever know unless she told him.  Her family won't say, there isn't anyone else in her life who'd dredge up the past, and Swedish immigration is only going to be looking for a criminal record, not a name change from when she was a teenager.  The idea he'd find out is the stuff of paranoia, or a scripted drama. 

She isn't hiding anything.  She's pretty much let it go.  I think it's the healthiest choice, if it's available.  More power to her.

Again, it all depends on your personal truth.  And no one else ever gets a say in that.

[JMJW]

But isn't a transwoman by default having a say in a partner's personal truth if she doesn't tell?