dating "lesbians"...?

[zukhlo]

Hi, I have a bit of a dilemma on my hands and it would be great to get some perspective from some other binary trans guys (particularly those of you who have been transitioning for a while).

I'm seeing this girl - she was a friend, and things have recently taken a (somewhat unexpected) romantic turn.  I really dig her vibe, we're into the same movies and have the same sense of humor and perspective on life, all that good stuff.  The only thing that troubles me is that she's identified as a lesbian for pretty much all of her adult life.  We're both in our mid-to-late twenties if that tells you anything.

I had a conversation with her about it, and while she told me she's always identified as a lesbian, she also said she doesn't feel the need to fit into any box or confine herself to a label.  I did ask her if she's ever been attracted to other men besides me, and she said she hadn't.  So obviously this concerns me, because I don't want somebody to date me just because I'm trans, which I suspect is happening here.

However, she also knows I've had bottom surgery, and I've made it clear that I identify as a man, and apparently that's not a dealbreaker for her.  So I dunno.  I feel very conflicted.  I've had bad experiences with dating before, where I feel like I've been fetishized, or like the person I'm dating wouldn't be dating me if I was a cis man - and I don't want a repeat of that because it's a nasty feeling.

Part of me is saying I should walk away from this and stick to dating straight girls, because it's going to end up badly if she's really not into men at all.  If you'd asked me a year ago if I'd even consider dating a lesbian I'd have said hell no...  But my resolve is being tested, because I really do like her a lot, and she really likes me.  It's rare for me to find the kind of connection and chemistry that I have with her, and it would be a shame to let it go.  I'm also thinking that people change and grow, and just because she's identified as a lesbian in the past doesn't mean she has to be a lesbian forever.  Wishful thinking maybe. 

Just curious if other trans guys here have had a similar choice to make and how you dealt with it - and what your thoughts and policies are with regard to dating "lesbians".

[Elis]

Similarly I dated someone who thought she was only a lesbian but then I came out as trans (didn't realise until we started dating) and realised she was probably more pansexual; although she's mainly only attracted to females. Maybe the woman you're interested in is the same? Like you I was worried that maybe she fetishised my body but I knew that by having a lot of communication that wasn't the case. She saw me as me without a particular gender attached. Although this was before any medical transitioning.

I'm sure many woman do decide to date trans men bcos we have more understanding towards women as we've sorta had ti go through similar experiences. I wouldn't say that's a fetish though as it's not body related. And as long as they see the real you.

So I'd voice your concerns with her and keep communicating. Only way you'll know if it'll work out.

[WolfNightV4X1]

Well man that sounds awesome you found a good girl to be with, I wouldnt bail yet. She did say she doesnt like labels so just because she's primarily into women doesnt mean she cant like you if her interests in people are more fluid than that. I would give it time, honestly if she acknowledges you as male and doesnt in the slightest feel you are female then I dont see the issue, even being attracted to your anatomy with surgeries and all, regardless of what it is its still on a man and if she acknowledges that I dont see an issue. Id pay attention to how she refers to you around friends or peers or around you even, if she acknowledges your name and gender and uses correct pronouns I wouldnt worry, if you hear her slip that your not biologically male and your just trans, Id reinforce the ideas that youre a man and dont wish to be referred to as more than such.

In short, just wait it out and see what happens, dont get discouraged she clearly doesnt seem like a bad girl to date from the paragraph you gave from a stranger's perspective

[WolfNightV4X1]

Similarly I dated someone who thought she was only a lesbian but then I came out as trans (didn't realise until we started dating) and realised she was probably more pansexual; although she's mainly only attracted to females. Maybe the woman you're interested in is the same? Like you I was worried that maybe she fetishised my body but I knew that by having a lot of communication that wasn't the case. She saw me as me without a particular gender attached. Although this was before any medical transitioning.

I'm sure many woman do decide to date trans men bcos we have more understanding towards women as we've sorta had ti go through similar experiences. I wouldn't say that's a fetish though as it's not body related. And as long as they see the real you.

So I'd voice your concerns with her and keep communicating. Only way you'll know if it'll work out.

Ditto on the communication, I used to only like males, then I had a girlfriend come out to me as trans. I did a lot of searching and realized I didnt like her for just her body, and I had to slowly slip away my repressions to find I was attracted to another form more than I thought. I still predominantly like males but I am currently dating a girl who is also trans, and honestly I dont fetishize her body at all because she just doesnt seem like a man to me despite having the parts of one initially speaking.

[zukhlo]

Thanks for your advice and opinions guys...and WolfNight that's good advice to pay attention to how she refers to me around other people.  That can be very telling about what a person really thinks.  I think I'll hang in there for the time being

[FTMax]

As long as she views you and treats you as a man, I don't see a problem.