A rant about the unknown.

[shanetastic]

I think I pinpointed it sort of. . .

While my mom and I had our fun and exciting 3 hour drive to go see my doctor for a couple of minutes (woohoo not having any resources near me haha) we sort of talked, and I think it's more so ever about the fact that I'm afraid that no one is going to accept me, and I'll be somehow even more miserable than I was before. 

Again, I know this deals with the whole self acceptance issue of course, but I mean hopefully with time I can figure this out.  And sorry for the misuse of words Kate, I don't really think I wanted to do this indeed.  I would have avoided this path probably by any means, but when I'm attempting to do stupid stuff with myself like every month, I think that needed to change. 

I'm just really worried now that I've goten this far actually, that my life is going to somehow be worse than it was before.  I don't know why I think this, because everything has been wonderful so far.  I just don't want to be outcasted for the rest of my life you know. . . be the embarassment of a friend/family member that never wants to be seen.  And I'm also just scared of what transition is soon to bring I guess so.  I know there's a lot of random thoughts going on, and really, it's all probably stuff that doesn't or shouldn't even matter, but yet I think about it.

*sigh* freaking mind needs to stop thinking about everything bad that can happen.

Posted on: November 06, 2007, 07:21:23 AM

What I've found is that getting to "the other side" simply brings into view more oceans to cross. Solving one need just brings more needs to the surface. You have to learn to laugh, and just embrace the adventure of YOU

Yeah I know. . . I don't think it could have been said any more clearly Kate.  But I seem to exaggerate everything I guess in my mind or something.  I don't really want to do this whole adventure in a sense though either   Dangt!  Why do things just get more confusing!!??!? I don't get it lol.  I feel better, yet I feel 53252309x more confused.

[cindybc]

Hi Shanetastic
From what I have been reading for the most part in your posts is the fear of what tomorrow is going to bring. I believe that if one dwells on negative results long enough, that will be what you will materialise for yourself.

Can you maybe cut down the worrying in the present day you find yourself, and be vigilant for anything you might encounter that day and deal with it immediately? All we truly have is one heart beat in the realm of infinity. One heart beat at a time is all we can be truly aware of and certain of in this infinite existence. If you keep worrying too much even that tin umbrella will not protect you from that meteor bearing down on you from the cosmos   

Cindy

[shanetastic]

Thanks Cindy,

All is normal yet again, I don't know what was going on within those last couple of days.  I swear I was like going crazy lol.  Anyways though, I just had these contradicting feelings, and I think it was brought upon by myself dwelling about all that I've missed out on and stuff.  But luckily, I've learned to just let it go.

Sure, I may have to work 95390x harder than most people to just be myself and accept myself, but heh, maybe I'll get a good story out of it one of these days   My dad was talking to me about that tonight, about the stop dwelling and just live for the day and see what tomorrow brings. 

Anyways, thank you all for your support throughout my phase of psychoness.  Yes, I know that isn't a word, but it's my best description of how I was feeling   Time to start living for myself. . . again. . . and not anyone else.

[cindybc]

Good girl Shanetastic, you will make it and someday you will turn back, look, and say, "wow" I dont believe it, I made it. "I am now me!" Dance upon a rainbow and rejoice.

Cindy

A knock at the door of inspiration.

http://www.duirwaighgallery.com/inspiration_aknock.htm