Confused by sudden urges in mid 40s

[Christine_Hart]

I've been trying to put my finger on what suddenly kicked things off this year, to the extent that I want to dress all the time, find a lot of male things dull or tedious, have started to question my sexuality and have even toyed with the thought of low dose HRT.

A lot of girls I know say that they knew something from an early age. I didn't. I did the usual things like trying on a bra after sneaking into an adult woman's bedroom but I just assumed that was the sort of thing all little boys did at one time or another. There was certainly no huge I don't feel comfortable being a boy urge. I know I've had a lot of female friends in the past and often found male conversations revolving around sport and beer superficial and boring. I've never read anything hugely significant into that though.

Even my first real dressing experience in my mid 20s didn't feel like it came from any particular feeling. I've always been into kinky stuff and it was a period in life when I was trying everything going. When I saw a dressing service advertised it just seemed like another thing to do. I got dressed and made up, enjoyed it but then returned to Bob mode and carried on as normal.

It was a few years before I returned to dressing. Can't remember what set it off but that time I bought some of my own stuff, including silicone breastforms. Again, though, it was a case of when I was finished I was finished and there wasn't any huge urges to put the clothes back on. I simply returned to it as and when the urge took me again. I can honestly say I didn't feel like there was any suppressed female side waiting to emerge, which seems like a contradiction when I was occasionally dressing as one.

This year, though, something is different. I had a chance to dress for a week earlier in the year when the family were away and the whole thing has taken off. Now I'm always thinking about female things. I go into shops and am looking at women's clothes rather than men's which suddenly seem dull and functional. My male sex drive seems to have lessened and I sometimes even find myself looking at adult films wishing I was in the female role rather than the male one. Not all the time but to even have those thoughts feels strange. I've even considered the possibility of low dose HRT as I want to feel like a woman as well as look like one. The thought of full transition hasn't entered my head but I wonder is it the presence of the family that stops me contemplating it. What would I do if I was single? I don't know to be honest.

I just can't work out why this has suddenly happened. Has anyone else suddenly experienced similar late developments?

Christine

[Dena]

What normally happens is the longer we keep our feelings contained, the more difficult it is to contain them. There are people on the site in there 50s and 60s who have turned the corner and are just now starting their transition. You may be able to suppress these feelings for a while but they will remain with you.

[Sophia Sage]

I transitioned in my early 30s, and had virtually no dysphoria previous to that.  But there were a lot of little things.  They added up.  I now realize I was female all my life, but I had been very good at suppressing that self-knowledge, probably until such time as I was actually ready to deal with my true self.  Our brains can be amazingly adept at keeping scary or disturbing things off our radar... and once we become aware of them, it's like the subconscious decides that now's as good a time as any to start addressing it. 

What I found immensely clarifying, though, was not pondering my identity, but asking myself how I felt about being gendered female (by myself and others) and comparing that to how I felt about being gendered otherwise.  The former felt right, good, even euphoric; it felt true. The latter felt empty at best, but increasingly distressing and full of sadness, dismay, despair, anger, disgust, fear, and loathing.  Dysphoric.  Especially once I realized it would be possible to go all the way (which for me meant facial surgery).

I spent six months in therapy (while working on my voice and getting electrolysis) just to be sure of myself.  Then I went full tilt, starting with HRT, and got everything done in less than two years.  And now, almost twenty years later, I'm incredibly happy with my choices. 

It's unusual, but not unheard of, to encounter these feelings later in life. 

[LizK]

Hi Christine

I am 53 started my transition a year ago and HRT about 5 months ago. I could not be happier...but that has come at a price. I think finding yourself a good counsellor for a start is a great way to help sort out how you feel about things. They can quite often give you guidance as to your next course of action.

Have you had your T levels checked you may find the reason you are so happy and feeling different is because of low t which may suit you better...it did me.

I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's

Liz

[Eva Marie]

Your bell can ring at any age. Mine started a slight tolling in my early 40s and by the time I had gotten to 50 I was into a full on transition. My therapist told me that she has many, many clients that are my age or older and she didn't consider me to be an unusual case as far as the age thing went.

Why it waits so long for some people? Hard to tell, but often there are clues that we miss because we don't know to look for them. I certainly didn't know that I was trans early - I only knew that I was very different than every other boy and that I didn't fit in with men (which was my big clue). It was only when I had gotten tired of always being the odd person out and never fitting in and feeling rejected that I started trying to figure out why. The answer I got was NOT what I expected or wanted - but it was the right answer. Estrogen changed everything for me.

All of the misshapen pieces of my first 40+ years now make perfect sense. I hope that you can work through  whatever is happening and find happiness.

[sarah1972]

I am 44 and my story pretty much matches your story. I noticed that it always came in waves, then dies down again for a bit. Pretty much since March it has not gone away but has been growing every day. and by now I am at least part time. After joining this site, I have also realized that this is not an unusual story. Many have had this happen in waves before they realized it needs to be permanent. Some have discovered it earlier, some later. You still have a lot of nice girly years ahead of you :-)

I have also tried to figure out what the final tipping point was. Have there been any larger life changes for you? I have ad a few weeks of post part depressions (and yes, I googled - men can have that too, but considering that I am female in a male body it even makes more sense) and that all triggered the entire coming out and starting on the long road to finally be me. I can tell you, the more I have accepted this and the more I live it, the better I feel. I have had a few great weeks recently down to the point where people notice the mood changes (and a few even figured out what is really going on)...

[Christine_Hart]

There haven't been any major life changes that might have kicked it off. Only thing I can think is chance to dress as much as I wanted for a week may have embedded things.
Christine