Transgender but choosing not to transition?

[Charlie Nicki]

Relationships come and go, but dysphoria is forever.

Thank you for this statement, this is my way of thinking right now. I already postponed my transition once due to a relationship I was in (among other things) and I ended up breaking up with that person of course...That happened 3 years ago and looking back I wish back then I was in the mindset that I am in right now because there's a huge chance I would've transitioned already, but so many distractions kept me from doing it. I'm not letting the same thing happen now.

To Olivia, while I understand your situation, I hope your decision to not transition because of your partner doesn't come back to bite you in the butt in the future. I would advise you to sort this out before you have any children with her and talk to a therapist to see if this is really the best option for you.

[Sno]

Sweetie, it's a hard row to hoe.

At present you have time, and a new person in your life, one that you'd like to be there for the long haul. To achieve that alone, you're going to have to get great at communicating, your partner is going to have to get to grips with validating, and most importantly, you will need to talk your partner through your dysphoria.

You're also going to need to Distract, Deny and whatever else gets you through the day, but beware, you'll not know when that great ache will come to visit, all you will know is one minute you're ok, the next you're drowning. Throw in the risk of substance abuse, and anger issues from pain frustration and hurt, it's obvious that it's difficult.

I've chosen not to transition, because I have my partner for life, and I have children, and a miriad of other reasons (excuses), and rest assured every time I'm pushed under the ice by my dysphoria, it's harder to crawl back out than the previous time I have to be gentle with myself, remember that self harm isn't good, and mindfully ground myself in the moment.

Amanda is right, it is a life sentence, the challenge being to not let it get on top, to not let it devour the pleasure and not let it strip the joy from simple everyday moments.

(Hugs)

Rowan

[BeckyCNJ]

Olivia,

First, congratulations on being upfront with your girlfriend about being trans before you marry. As some others this side of 50 have already said, this is a struggle you will face every day for the rest of your life. No amount of willpower makes it go away, it only suppresses it.

I told my future wife before we were engaged back in 1980. We've had a wonderful married life, three great daughters and I've enjoyed a successful career, but I say if I were in my 20s today I think I would have followed a different path and transitioned.

Yes, I've managed to beat it down for 50+ years but despite all the blessings I've enjoyed I'm not sure it's worth it.

Becky

[coldHeart]

The dysphoria will always be there hanging over your head, I think it would be best to talk some more to your future wife because  several years later it will bite back hard. Sara

[karenk1959]

I am in the exact same boat! Many TG insist that if you don't transition you will be suffering with dysphoria forever. I don't buy that. I have decided not to transition. I have a feeling that there are many others out there just like me. I was faced with what seemed like a no-win situation ~ transition and lose my wife and many other important relationships in my life or live a life of depression.

One day clarity came to me and I realized that this is my life, I don't have to be in a no-win situation and I have a choice as to how I want my life to be. I chose not to transition. Now I have the best of all worlds ~ I accept that I was "supposed" to be a woman and that I need not have to dress and look like a woman to accept that. I find that I need not look in a mirror to accept that. For me, emotions and my thoughts are more important than my appearance. In fact, for me it is impossible to actually be a woman. I will always have a penis. I am deathly afraid of surgery, especially after reading how they do it and possible complications. It is also no easy path to take hormones and have plastic surgeries. And I have no idea how much unhappiness, anxiety and stress will stem from losing all the people I love. I have no idea if I would ever find as much love from someone who would be attracted to a TG woman with a penis. I am heterosexual so I am attracted to women. I wouldn't want to be in a close relationship with another man and doubt there are many women out there that I could have chemistry with and would be attracted to a TG woman.

I feel great that I can make a choice to live the way I want. In fact I celebrate it. Instead of fixating on the gender dysphoria, I experience the love that I have all around me with extreme gratitude. Love in life can be more than enough to overcome any dysphoria. Why else are we going through all this trouble to live? Now, I have a stronger relationship with my wife than ever before. She admires my strength and courage in dealing with such a huge challenge. And I am proud of myself. I refuse to be mired in self pity. Instead, I chose to give of myself to others and in return they give to me.

[Michelle_P]

Honestly, I do know lots of transgender folks who are not and have no plans to transition.  I also know some who are taking a few steps, living on HRT, and a few who are having or planning to have surgical work done.  There is a huge range of experience within the broad transgender community.

Just keep in mind that what is right for one may not be right for another.

As many have cautioned here, dysphoria doesn't seem to permanently go away on its own.  For some of us, it seems to get worse over time.

In my case, I knew I would rather be a girl at a very early age.  I identified myself as being transgender in my early 30s, but suppressed it for the sake of my wife and young children.  For me, the dysphoria slowly became worse over the years, bringing with it depression and anxiety, and all the damage that comes with those.  I came out, found my ex-wife couldn't cope with any of my being trans, found that I really needed HRT for my sanity and interesting neuro-endocrine issues my endocrinologist uncovered, and that led to divorce.

This isn't a steady state thing.  You may not be able to get by for your entire life knowing, but not acting on that knowledge.  Please be aware of this possibility.

On the other hand, I know of happily married couples where the transgender partner has made it into their 70s or 80s with nothing much more than occasional cross-dressing, underdressing, and in a couple cases, low-dose HRT.  This may also be a possibility for you, but there is certainly no guarantee.

I have a hypothesis that like many other elements of gender, the gender dysphoria we may feel is not a simple is/is not present thing, but is a continuum of possible levels of intensity.  It may be a little different in each of us.  It may vary over time.

I am just asking that you and your partner be aware of the many potential outcomes, and try to accept that one vision of their future may not match the eventual reality.  I think being able to accept this will become key to the long-term survival of a relationship.

[staciM]

^ wonderful post Michelle. 

Also, FWIW I would like to add that transitioning, if that's your choice, doesn't automatically result in a broken marriage/relationship and a damaged family.  My personal experience is that we are all in a much better place now than ever in our 25 years together.  Also, I must add that my wife wasn't at first completely on-board with me transitioning a few years back and completely flipped her perspective when she witnessed me "hit the wall" and saw what an unauthentic life was doing to me ...and us.

[Denni]

Karen, Michelle, thanks for your thoughts on this subject that seems to have many moving targets. I am like Karen in that because of my wife and family I find that a full transition will be something that will not be possible for me. I have known like so many of us that I was different growing up, but again like so many did everything that I could to suppress those feelings and thoughts. With age came increased dysphoria, anger and bitterness in my life. But it also brought increased knowledge of who I really am and I finally accepted myself as trans over two years ago. I have come out to my wife since then, have seen two different therapist's and started on HRT ten months ago with her approval. When I came out to her, I could see the pain that it caused her, and the knowledge that it would do the same to my kids and grandkids, making my decision to not fully transition based on that. Since starting HRT I have found that the anger issue's, the bitterness, and for the most part my dysphoria have been eliminated from my daily life. it has been replaced with a much more emotional me. I laugh more now, and so much easier than before, the tears come also more frequently and with seemingly more meaning than before. I know that I am a better husband to her, and a better parent and grandparent to my kids and grandkids because of those changes.

Each of us in our small community are special, some of us are able to fully transition along with SRS. Some of us transition and are able to RLE. Some of us like myself are able to take HRT for the relief that it brings, and not fully transition. Some of us live with the knowledge of who they are and are happy with that knowledge alone. There is no right and wrong with any of those decisions, we all have to live out life's experience's not only for our own best interest's but for those around us also. We are all alike in that we are transgender, we are all different in how we choose to live that life.

[Charlie Nicki]

I need advice. I came out to pretty much everyone as transgender, friends, family and even a couple of people at work; everyone thinks I will become a full woman because that's what I said...The thing is that I'm having second thoughts about it. I'm depressed and don't feel like continuing...How can I go back after telling everyone? I mean, even if I don't change physically, I feel like nobody will ever look at me the same way because they already know. And I fear about future relationships finding out about this.

[Laurie]

Hi Charlie Nicki,

  You are right, once the cat is out of the bag it is difficult to put it back in. How it got put in there in the first place I'll never know though.
  You could try the truth. Tell them it none of their business if they ask or you can just say you have been rethinking things and have put it on hold until you can come to another decision on it. There might be a few repercussions but I 'll be will to bet the biggest problem you'll have by putting it on hold is yourself. Perhaps a talk with a counselor may be in order.

Laurie

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Charlie Nicki,

  You are right, once the cat is out of the bag it is difficult to put it back in. How it got put in there in the first place I'll never know though.
  You could try the truth. Tell them it none of their business if they ask or you can just say you have been rethinking things and have put it on hold until you can come to another decision on it. There might be a few repercussions but I 'll be will to bet the biggest problem you'll have by putting it on hold is yourself. Perhaps a talk with a counselor may be in order.

Laurie

Hi Laurie. Thanks for the message, I just realized I never replied to you. My mind comes and goes and it feels like a constant struggle between doing it or not. Yet sometimes pushes me to do it. It's almost like deep down I know that this will come back to bother me if I don't do something about it now.


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[Complete]

I've known for a long way, tried hiding it, over-compensating my expected behaviors, and denying it........
.......Obviously not everyone has a terrible collapse leading up to their transition, but it does​ seem to be a very common experience that if you know, and it's bothering you, the longer you wait, the more you'll wish you

This was pretty much my position. I did not want to transition. I barely made it out of college before everything came apart. Denying reality never ends well. The trick is recognizing reality for what it is. REAL.

[Asakawa]

I started HRT when I was around 20 or 21. I am now 32 and have had some big, huge, ups and downs. What I seem to have noticed is that even if you do put the feelings, thoughts, and desires in the backburner seem to keep coming back. Relationships, many of them, tend to be temporary. Though there are those that do last a life time, but I feel that those are more rare than common; specially when they are put through tough situations and circumstances. Yet, you yourself are as permanent as you being awake and alive today. Those feelings will more than likely not leave you, so if you have to battle with them now you will have to battle with them later just like how you likely have been battling them before. I had an ex that I really liked and had issues with and eventually broke up with. Later on after about 3 or 4 years I met her again but it was after hrt. Things did not work out. Could not accept me and interestingly the attempt at a relationship failed very badly which surprised me. She just could not accept another 'woman' yet said that if she wanted to be with a women she would be with a REAL woman. Ouch. You are who you are, and you wanting to be a gal is also who you are, so if the other person can't accept that then....

[J2J]

I'm currently on this path although I fear regret, regret is a horrible word for me, regret transition? regret not transitioning? regret not transitioning in my 20's? blah.

I should probably at least see a therapist about it but they're very expensive and from what I have read the NHS is more of thing where you kind of need to know before perusing, there isn't much hand holding so to speak.

I don't know, I am getting tired of it all to be honest, still growing my hair out but even shaving twice a day is getting frustrating, resting my hand on my face and feeling the 5oclock shadow coming in makes me so depressed.

I do sometimes manage to put it out of my head then kind of just comes back to me again and again, getting very depressed over it at this point since it's been a long road from being a young teen to mid 20's and having the same thoughts over and over again it's tough battling it all and going though life at the same time.

I don't even know what to do at this point, dark thoughts and nobody to really express them too as I really want to keep it to myself..... this forum is kind of my only venting place at times but then again it's also some sort of trigger to me because it shows the other side of things, people perusing what makes them happy.

I'm posting this at 5am in UK time haha, guess it also keeps me up at night... 

[Charlie Nicki]

I'm currently on this path although I fear regret, regret is a horrible word for me, regret transition? regret not transitioning? regret not transitioning in my 20's? blah.

This is one of the things that drives me to transition. I want to do it now that I'm young...I don't want to risk stopping now just to feel like I need to do it later when I'm older. There's a lot of older gals here so I know it is possible but I want to take advantage of my youth as much as I can. If you read my post above from September, I was saying I was having second thoughts about transitioning. Well not now! I'm moving ahead full throttle, and happy and excited about doing so. So do reach out to a therapist and have things sorted out.

[Asakawa]

My advice to you is to work on your savings. Transitioning is not cheap and you need to be able to support yourself so you can achieve your dreams. Things like a beard can be dealth with. You can get some laser treatment, which is not permanent but can let you experience what is like to now have a beard. Laser is less expensive than electrolysis. It is also much quicker and you'd likely only need a few sessions, but you will be bread free for a set number of months which can let you see what it is like. If your beard makes you depressed then I highly suggest researching into what type of laser machine would work for your hair color, save up, and get a few laser sessions done. The hair will fall off and you can see how that will affect you.

Regarding a therapist that would be a good idea, but in the end the decision is yours. I highly suggest looking into find a transgender support group that you could visit which could help you see into the lifestyle. Transitioning is not easy, but hrt should not be taken lightly it will change your body and mind.

Have you expressed your thoughts to your family? I'd only recommend talking to them if you are able to support yourself financially and are out of the house or ready to go out of the house. Things like this can shake relationships .

My point being: Be able to support yourself financially and have some sort of savings in place.

[JessicaHF]

Hi everyone. So I know I am transgender and am slowly coming out to everyone. I have told my girlfriend who I want to marry, but she doesn't want to marry a woman and I told her I would try not to transition for her. Like I am a girl on the inside, but just look male to make her happy. I want to have a family with her, but I have been struggling on the daily dealing with this and not looking like what I am on the inside. Has anyone ever known or was able to handle the struggles and deal with not transitioning. I feel like my only options are to resist becoming a woman on the outside or succumb to these struggles and break up with the woman I love. Thanks!

Olivia,

I know exactly what it is like to love someone so much that I could convince myself that I didn't NEED to be the woman that I knew I should be. I thought that if I found the right woman, that I could just ignore the my feminine feelings and she would help to be a better man. I was so wrong! And I have three failed marriages, a daughter that doesn't want anything to do with me, a grand daughter that doesn't know me, and an amazing wife that I'm hurting more and more every day as I try to find a way to transition without transitioning. I love my wife very much! I love my three other daughters very much! However, I have found that I'm trying to live through them and have stopped living myself. It is placing so much pressure on them to make me happy that our relationships are being damaged.

I have an amazing beautiful wife and I find myself getting angry at her when I can't express my true self. And then in turn I get angry at myself for being angry at her. Its a very vicious and destructive cycle. I have tried and failed through 4 marriages now trying everything from completely ignoring my femme side to trying to temper my femme side. I have learned the very hard way that there is no way to control it, there is no cure for it.

I am obviously in no place to give advice, only to tell you my experience, but my experience says if your girlfriend isn't comfortable with you as a woman now, she will definitely not be comfortable being married to a woman either. It would be much better for you to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend now and possibly part as friends, than to wait until you have devoted your lives to each other and try to make a big drastic change later and hope she'll be ok with it.

I wish you all the best!

[Asakawa]

I am obviously in no place to give advice, only to tell you my experience, but my experience says if your girlfriend isn't comfortable with you as a woman now, she will definitely not be comfortable being married to a woman either. It would be much better for you to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend now and possibly part as friends, than to wait until you have devoted your lives to each other and try to make a big drastic change later and hope she'll be ok with it.

This is very true. The thing about our desires to be women is that they are inside of us and are part of us. Every time we go to bed and rest regaining our energy strength and will these feelings are also rejuvenated. It is essentially hardwired into our brain and even though we can go through certain amounts of time when we place it all in the backburner they will return and usually, from what I have seen myself, they return with even more force. The other thing is that since prior to HRT the person you meet will meet someone who is different from the one who you would be if you were to take on HRT. This is because once on HRT your body changes, but also your mind and this is something that can't be stopped. So, if you do not share the truth that is within yourself either from fear or from social stigma then this will be a part your significant other will not know, and so when that person is picking it picks someone that doesn't include your inner female self and that can create conflict because it is like keeping a part of you locked in a dark room and the other is shouting to get out. It is usually best to just be honest from the start and to really dig deep inside to find out who you are and so you can be not only comfortable with yourself but also with those in society.

[Myranda]

You need to be happy too.

The dysphoria will become overwhelming and you will want to start to change and then you'll just be mad at yourself for waiting so long.
I'm 49 and started when I was 47.

I feel like that is exactly where I am at right now.  I had started ,then stopped for reason not too dissimilar as the op, and now a few months later, I'm questioning everything again, and I really miss my Estradiol and Progesterone right now!

[Complete]

"
I am obviously in no place to give advice, only to tell you my experience, but my experience says if your girlfriend isn't comfortable with you as a woman now, she will definitely not be comfortable being married to a woman either. It would be much better for you to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend now and possibly part as friends, than to wait until you have devoted your lives to each other and try to make a big drastic change later and hope she'll be ok with it."

Ditto