Can't decide what to do!

[Claire90]

Hi everyone

Thought I'd come on here looking for some much needed help and answers if any. I have been living full time since August 2016 and so far I have changed my name by deed poll and have changed details on most documents such as driving licence, bank details, credit cards, etc.. I have not started hormone treatment but will wait until I go for my next appointment at the GIC clinic to dicuss my options. The reaction I've been getting from people at work and customers has overall been good and have not experienced much negative attention apart from a small minority of people. There are days where I feel very low and just want to go back to living as a man and only dress part-time again. Then there are days where I feel better and continue transitioning.

When I was only dressing part time, I didn't care whether or not I passed or if people saw certain male features that gave me away. I was happy to be accepted for what I was and asked for nothing more. Now that I'm living full time, I would like to think that I live by the same values but now I'm beginning to think that I would like to have the odd nip and tuck or shave there to improve my image. The only problem is that there is no way I could ever afford any type of surgery, so I am stuck with what I already have. I can't even afford private therapy sessions so don't even ask to go and seek a good therapist. I asked my GP for help but he said just wait for your next appointment with the GIC.

I do think about giving up and returning to being just a part time t-girl as life was far simpler then but I keep asking myself why I have come this far and not given up yet? I think my biggest fear is giving up and regretting that decision later on life. I am almost in my mid-forties now and I don't think that I will be given a second chance if I gave up now. For me, it's either now or never! I also worry that if I was to give up now that my depression about being seen and treated like an ordinary man would return and would get worse as I got older.

Strange thing is that I don't have a problem with my male genatalia and I don't have body dysphoria either, I'm quite happy with my male body. I also worry what hormones will do to me physiologically.

I think at this moment in time, I would rather go back to how my life was before but am scared what will happen in my mind if I do this knowing that there is no going back. I'm not even sure if I am transgender. I know I'm definitely not transsexual otherwise I'd be dead by now.

Someone please help me make the right choice!

Thanks

Claire

[Sophia Sage]

Hi Claire, welcome to the boards!

Here's what I found striking:

There are days where I feel very low and just want to go back to living as a man and only dress part-time again. Then there are days where I feel better and continue transitioning.

I think this is very common.  But, perhaps, kind of vague.  What is it that makes you feel happy?  What makes you feel low?  What feelings accompany the lows -- sadness, anger, fear, or disgust?

In particular, how do you feel about being gendered as female, versus being gendered as male?  This is not, to be clear, how you feel about the quality of your presentation, just the feelings you get when people call you "she" and "her" and interact with you as they do with other women, and vice-versa.

Now that I'm living full time, I would like to think that I live by the same values but now I'm beginning to think that I would like to have the odd nip and tuck or shave there to improve my image. The only problem is that there is no way I could ever afford any type of surgery, so I am stuck with what I already have...

I do think about giving up and returning to being just a part time t-girl as life was far simpler then but I keep asking myself why I have come this far and not given up yet? I think my biggest fear is giving up and regretting that decision later on life...

...I also worry that if I was to give up now that my depression about being seen and treated like an ordinary man would return and would get worse as I got older.

Strange thing is that I don't have a problem with my male genatalia and I don't have body dysphoria either, I'm quite happy with my male body. I also worry what hormones will do to me physiologically...

I think at this moment in time, I would rather go back to how my life was before but am scared what will happen in my mind if I do this knowing that there is no going back. I'm not even sure if I am transgender. I know I'm definitely not transsexual otherwise I'd be dead by now.

There's a lot of conflicting feelings expressed here.  On the one hand, you say you don't have any dysphoria.  But earlier, you say you'd like to make changes to improve your image.  (Let's not think about finances right now.)  And you say you feel "depressed" about being seen as a man, which is actually a kind of dysphoria in itself. 

Don't worry about what "trans" label to categorize yourself as -- just thinking in terms of male and female, on which side do you want to fall on?

[Claire90]

Here's what I found striking:
I think this is very common.  But, perhaps, kind of vague.  What is it that makes you feel happy?  What makes you feel low?  What feelings accompany the lows -- sadness, anger, fear, or disgust?

I think the times I feel happiest is usually the obvious ones like being complimented on my looks or interacting well with cis women and being called she rather than he is nice. Also just the feeling sometimes that I'm moving forward in the right direction rather than just staying as I am or worse going backwards. One of the reasons that made me think I was transgender and maybe suffering from gender dysphoria was when guys would call me man, sir or fella and I didn't like it. I had a tough time a couple of years ago where I couldn't even bare going to the shops as a man and if I did I just wore my cap low and ignored everyone. I would cry whilst at the supermarket as I just didn't feel happy as a guy anymore and maybe thinking that I was beginning to change and could not go back.

When I feel low, it's sometimes triggered by envy (seeing a transgirl with her own long her, perfect face) I know I will never have that so I'm either left with the choice of remaining as a bad ->-bleeped-<- for the rest of my life trying to make it in the real world or just be a guy who dresses part time. At least with the latter I will be accepted and treated with more respect than being seen as a freak on a daily basis.

I think if this was a life or death situation, which it isnt then perhaps that would be the only reason for me to stick with transitioning. That's what worries me though. If I quit, then how bad will the dysphoria get in later life? Maybe in 5-10 years time it will be a life or death situation and then I'll be kicking myself for not sticking with transitioning.

Oh my god, this is a tough one!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am pretty sure you are transgender but I don't know if you are a part of the non binary or transsexual. Early on it can be difficult to know what the other side promises and with out that knowledge, it's difficult to decide where you would be happy. One question you should ask yourself is if you had to live on an island for the remainder of your life by yourself, would you want to be a man or a woman. Unfortunately you may not be able to answer that question if you lie somewhere in the middle. I have a couple of links that might be helpful for you to look at. the first is our WIKI where you will see the transgender family described. The second link is "the transition channel" where a therapist will help you explore some of your feelings. Feel free to ask any questions you have and we will do our best to answer them.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[Tessa James]

I think if this was a life or death situation, which it isnt then perhaps that would be the only reason for me to stick with transitioning. That's what worries me though. If I quit, then how bad will the dysphoria get in later life? Maybe in 5-10 years time it will be a life or death situation and then I'll be kicking myself for not sticking with transitioning.

Oh my god, this is a tough one!

Hey Claire,

Your indecision is not uncommonly talked about here and we often wish there was some sure fire test or crystal ball for your future.  Absent those wishes what we can do is share our experiences.  I tried a weak transition back in the 1990s and could find no professional assistance.  I continued on in the closet with years more shame and self loathing before finally getting out at age 60.  After years of being part of the community the most common regret I have heard is wishing I had persisted and started sooner.  Gender identity is persistent and, sadly, gender dysphoria is a too frequent companion if we do not acknowledge our true selves.  Your Transition done your way can be tailored to fit just YOU.  Baby steps or jump in with both feet, the water is welcome and warm.

[Megan.]

Claire, I'm afraid I have little advice, I'm planning to start my RLE in the spring, and I'm worried that I may find myself in a very similar situation to yours. In my case I did do a 8 week low dose HRT trial in the summer, to see how it effected my noggin', and it was this experience that has helped me choose to move forward. As the mental effects tend arrive before any permanent physical ones, you would have some time at the start of HRT to also weigh up any benefits it could have for you.