Yesterday I started seeing a gender therapist at Choices Consulting (
http://choicesconsulting.com/) in Albany, NY. It went well. The staff there is led by Arlene Istar Lev, who's name I've found in various places such as the WPATH SOC and various other pro-trans publication, and everyone I've met there is kind, understanding, and supportive.
It feels so great to know that I have someone to completely open up with, is knowledgeable, and has absolutely no involvement in my daily life. It's surprising to me that I could open up so much to a complete stranger, but as others have pointed out, we tend to explode when we're finally able to comfortably talk about our gender identity, so...*gushes*.
We just went through a standard evaluation: childhood, home life, etc. The questions made me think about things that I've not thought about in years, so already I feel a bit more connected to my life by remembering my past. We got into a small discussion of gender and my history of periodic cross dressing / feminization attempts, which of course will likely be the main discussion point in the future.
Despite how well the session went, I've been having a really tough time since. I feel like a freak, like anyone who would know this side of me would just write me off as a pervert. It's clear that my fears and insecurities are a big issue for me. At one point she asked what I would do in a perfect world without the trans* cultural stigmas, and my reply: I'd transition in a heartbeat. But that's not the world we live in, and I need to figure out how I can transition enough to feel better but still keep it private, at least until I'm comfortable enough with myself that I could deal with all the negativity.
It's such a big, scary thing right now. The session made this all very real, very fast, and I've sort of crashed since then. I just want to be me, but all of my fears keep me from letting it out some days. I spent a good chunk of yesterday crying with my wife, lamenting that I wish I'd just been born a girl so I could be ME without fear of judgement. My current hope is that a low-dose HRT will help ease some of the internal tension.
Next visit (in 2 weeks) we're going to talk about HRT. I've been chomping at the bit to start, but she wants to spend a session discussing it before giving it a thumbs up. NY is an informed consent state, but I still want to have her on board with it, so I'm trying to be patient...
Oh, and I finally have an excuse to make a ticker
