New girl

[Zelashi]

Fairly new to the site, finally signed up to communicate with you all.
Been silently reading alot here and figured it was time to introduce myself.
Currently I am a married man with an almost 3 year old daughter. Been with my wife for 14 years. I am 32 years old.
I have always had the desire to be more feminine since I was a child, just always sort of suppressed it and passed it off as a strange kink of sorts.
The past few years have been rough as the thoughts and desires have hit me once again. My wife knew I crossdressed and was even cool with it. We had some sexytime fun even.
All was revealed recently and I admitted to her that I want to transition to become female. She didn't take it too well and I am scared to death to lose my family. I wish in some ways that I never felt this way but I cannot deny the truth in it.
I should have been born female. I have always felt that way. I am sitting here in womens clothing and I feel at peace, this is what I should be wearing.
I truly do not want to lose my family but I cannot deny who I am...
My end goal is SRS.
She asked me if we were going to have an open relationship because she would have need that I could no longer give her as a woman... I did not know how to respond to that.
UGH is this what you married folks experienced?
I am torn between being my true self and the love of my family and I dont know what to do..

Sorry for the pity-party intro, but here I am..

[V M]

Hi Zelashi 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Sophia Sage]

I am torn between being my true self and the love of my family and I dont know what to do...

You're in an awful position and my heart goes out to you.

Here's one question: How can there be love if you aren't true to yourself?

The thing is, you can decide who you are, and whether to accept that reality.  You don't get to decide how anyone else responds.  That's their choice.  Think of it from your wife's point of view -- she thought she married a man, expecting a particular kind of fulfilling sexual relationship, and now she's borne your child.  And if your truth is that you are a woman, she didn't marry a man, and she's not going to have the relationship she thought she would.  This will be true, regardless of whether you decide to be true to yourself or not.  If you choose not to be true, both of you will be living in a fake reality, and frankly that won't be very satisfying for anyone.

My advice is always to be true to yourself. In your situation, accept the consequences. Don't try to engineer a particular outcome for this relationship.  If she's willing to stay together polyamorously, accept that.  If she wants a divorce, accept that.  If she realizes she's actually a lesbian (not likely), accept that.  If you end up separated, without custody, and paying child support, well, those are the consequences of having kids within a relationship that wasn't completely honest to begin with.  Just stay true to yourself. 

You might find that this relationship isn't going to work for you, either.  You might discover needs that she can't give to you as a woman.  If she's unwilling to gender you properly, that's certainly not going to go well.  Transition is hard.  It can also be beautiful.  To pull it off, you will have to let go of some things (if not all things) and embrace others.  You are going to change, and so is everything and everyone else around you, one way or another.

Sorry I don't have more uplifting words to offer.  Except this -- I don't think we can ever be truly happy if we aren't true to ourselves.  Being true to yourself may not guarantee complete happiness, given the kinds of losses we often incur, but it will provide a measure of happiness, which is far more than the empty promise of trying to be someone you are not. Even bittersweet tastes better than the alternative.

[Steph Eigen]

Welcome to Susan's Place.  There a re good people here who will offer you heartfelt advice and extend friendship and empathy.  I am glad you chose to sign up and participate in the forum.

So much has been written here about the problem you face.  I am sorry you find yourself in the predicament you now face.  Sophia Sage's advice is basically sound.  You need to confront your identity and gender and come to understand it, allowing self realization and movement toward an authentic life.  Not to say this is an easy task by any measure, one complicated by the need to be a good parent to your daughter. 

Many have faced the issue of the changing relationship with the spouse, in principle transitioning from heterosexual to lesbian or intimate partner to a platonic relationship sharing parenting of the child.  Even more perplexing is the tendency for many MtF in transition to experience changes in sexuality causing loss of interest in the wife as intimate partner with growing sexual interest in men. 

At a minimum, you will want to seek counseling from a therapist experienced in TG issues and transition.  You will surely gain insights and help with practical management of your transition--however it evolves.  You might be surprised what you will figure out about your situation and your relationship with your wife.

 

[Zelashi]

Sadly the way things are going, I see separation in our future.
She did say that I would be able to see my child anytime and she wouldn't do anything to stop that. So at least there's that.
I am so heartbroken to the idea of not being able to see my child grow but in a strange twisted sense, I feel this would free me to pursue transition.

Thank you for the replies and being honest, I know I am not the only one to have gone through this and reading of experiences of other does help.

I know Sophia has said that separating from her wife was the right thing to happen, but holy ->-bleeped-<- is it rough..

[josie76]

I feel you! Having just gone through the start of the same situation myself. My wife has been incredibly supportive but has been going through her own situation of loss and feeling lied to for years. in such a short time we have found both a new closeness and a very distinct distance. I'm not sure how to explain it. Several times I have regretted telling my secret due to thinking about the long term changes that will happen in all of our lives. On the other hand I have never felt so free of the confinement my secret imposed on me. To live, really live you cannot live under those feelings in secret.

[Zelashi]

That about sums it up, first response I got was how I was willing to throw away 14 years of us being together.
No, I dont want to throw that away..
She's convinced I've been lying to her the whole time and dragged her along for some ulterior motive. aka, why did I waste her time.
She always has men who try and pull her away.. am I a bad person for feeling like it would be so much easier if she gave in just one time?
Would make things so much simpler.
Interestingly enough, I dont feel anger or hate towards those men..

[Steph Eigen]

I, too feel for you. 

So many of us struggle with this question of whether to disclose to a wife of significant other.  Selfishly, if rejection is the obvious consequence of the disclosure, it is hard to justify the pain that is sure to follow the disclosure.   In my own case, I also felt overcome with guilt over the consequences to other family members who would predictably see such a disclosure as a catastrophic "death" of the person they had come to know and rely upon  for years and years.  Then there is the issue of impact on work, community, social network, etc.

On the other hand, don't underestimate the value of honesty, particularly with one's self. 

It is a simplistic approach to reduce this down to a simple "if you're trans, transition."  There are many considerations that need to go into the decision to come out.  Whatever you do, make the decision based on your assessment of the situation and your intentions.  I don't think any of us think you are a bad person but don't set your wife up to fall in order to facilitate your gender solution. 

Steph