Lack of acceptance... Will it ever end?

[JessicaSondelli]

I came out to my wife this January. We've been together for over 25 years now but I don't think she will ever accept the real me.

We still live under the same roof with our kids but she and the kids will move out pretty soon. Until then, she forces me to present male even though it's starting to get ridiculous as I'm experiencing male fail almost 100%. I can't even wear a bra even though my breasts are quite prominent under my old male t-shirts. After 5 laser sessions, my facial hair is pretty much gone and my hair is almost touching my shoulders.

Shw it's blaming me for her miserable life that I've caused because I lied to her all those years and she also made it very clear that it was very irresponsible of me to have wanted kids. People with a condition like this would not have kids. It's a very selfish behavior since there kids will now get bullied because of me. In addition she blames me that I wasn't actively taking part in family life ever since and I never saw how much pain I caused her with my lack of motivation and feelings. When I try to explain that it wasn't possible and that I tried really really hard all those years to somehow fit into the male role I was assigned to she doesn't believed me.

I tried to explain her that in order to be there for the family, I first need to be able to live my life as the real me. She just looks at this as another selfish act of me... I don't know what to do anymore...

How can I explain her what this really feels like and that it wasn't possible for me to be there with my full attention while playing the life of someone else...

I don't think she will ever understand or even just accept it... It's frustrating and makes me incredibly sad.

Life sucks!!!! Big time!!!!

Jessica


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[Naomi71]

So what I don't understand is how she can force you to present male when she's leaving anyway? Why do you go along with it?

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry you are going through this pain.  Hang in there; it will get better.

How can I explain her what this really feels like and that it wasn't possible for me to be there with my full attention while playing the life of someone else...

You probably can't.  She has already decided that anything you will say from now on is lies.  It is sad.  All you can do is to be honourable and truthful for your own sake and for the sake of your kids.

[Jacqueline]

Jessica,

Wow that does suck. I wish I could help out. All I can do is listen and share your pain.

It might still mostly be grief talking. Denial and anger? The trouble is finding common ground at this point.

You might ask her if she has ever had a dream or experience where she woke up as someone else. Or someone who can't talk.

I think all I can do is say we care about you and believe you.

With warmth,

Joanna

[LizK]

I came out to my wife this January. We've been together for over 25 years now but I don't think she will ever accept the real me.

We still live under the same roof with our kids but she and the kids will move out pretty soon. Until then, she forces me to present male even though it's starting to get ridiculous as I'm experiencing male fail almost 100%. I can't even wear a bra even though my breasts are quite prominent under my old male t-shirts. After 5 laser sessions, my facial hair is pretty much gone and my hair is almost touching my shoulders.

Shw it's blaming me for her miserable life that I've caused because I lied to her all those years and she also made it very clear that it was very irresponsible of me to have wanted kids. People with a condition like this would not have kids. It's a very selfish behavior since there kids will now get bullied because of me. In addition she blames me that I wasn't actively taking part in family life ever since and I never saw how much pain I caused her with my lack of motivation and feelings. When I try to explain that it wasn't possible and that I tried really really hard all those years to somehow fit into the male role I was assigned to she doesn't believed me.

I tried to explain her that in order to be there for the family, I first need to be able to live my life as the real me. She just looks at this as another selfish act of me... I don't know what to do anymore...

How can I explain her what this really feels like and that it wasn't possible for me to be there with my full attention while playing the life of someone else...

I don't think she will ever understand or even just accept it... It's frustrating and makes me incredibly sad.

Life sucks!!!! Big time!!!!

Jessica


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Life Sucks because people suck the life out of us...Trans women have this habit of being exceptional liars...we spend out whole lives lying to our families, spouses, friends,co-workers, acquaintances and the list goes. What we forget is that this lying is forced upon us by an unaccepting society that forces us to dive for the closet as soon as we realise who we really are.

It is very stressful to carry that kind of lie for your entire life without it manifesting in other ways.  The first reaction of my spouse was similar to yours but that lasted about 1 minute and it then dawned on her the kind of hell I must have gone through hiding this.

Unfortunately it seems like your wife has not got to the point of realising how much you did achieve, under what for some, would have been life ending or emotionally crippling circumstances. Think about what you managed to achieve all the years you kept this huge part of yourself hidden. Imagine what you can achieve with out it.

I have managed to alienate my entire family(parents brothers) since coming out to them a year ago. I never saw this coming and can only live in hope that one day they will actually be honest with me. Everyone tells me they are coping fine but every now and then I get told how distressed they are about my transition and that they have never been on board with it etc etc. When confronted by this their reaction is to deny deny deny. This situation has occurred twice so far. The more telling from my point of view is that my Mother has not had a real conversation with me since the day I came out to her over a year ago.

Families are tricky and I am not the expert on them...I can only suggest that you try and limit the damage to yourself. You did not cause this, you are not responsible for the way your wife is behaving, you don't have to stoop to their level.

Dress in what you want, act how you want and be who you are...your wife and you are finished!! so what the heck...live a little...if you are gonna get grief for the way you present yourself you may as well look and feel good whilst getting it.

Hugs
Liz

[JessicaSondelli]

So what I don't understand is how she can force you to present male when she's leaving anyway? Why do you go along with it?

Well, she would have left with the kids long time ago had I started dressing and acting as myself while at home. She will move overseas (Europe, where we are originally from and I will follow but I want to complete my transition here in the states - if possible) so I won't be able to see the kids for quite some time.... that's the reason I cope with her and honestly I still love her and I don't want to piss her off too much. I still hope she comes to terms with this and we can stay friends....

[Aurorasky]

Hey, I hope what I am about to say doesn't sound harsh, as I sympathise with both your situation and your wife's

First, you have to understand that your wife fell in love with who she thought you were. Therefore, the fact you that lead a masculine life with this "hidden spot" and now after 25 years you transition, smacks her off as betrayal big time. I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault, you can't bottle up your feelings forever. However, she has the right to be mad, angry even. She's experiencing grief. She is losing the one man she fell in love with.

The one thing she has no right in saying is how you should present yourself. That is upon you to decide, not her. She also has no right in telling you shouldn't have kids. Just because you're transgender doesn't mean you regret having your children, or that your transition negates them. You will still be their parent and present in their lives you wish.

Yes, it does not sound like she understands or accepts. Mostly because she thinks you changed. And in a way you did, so it's undeniable. She has the right to leave this relationship if she's not happy in it, what she does not have the right for is to make you feel miserable for something you have no control over. You will need to let her go. Possibly, discuss divorce and find lawyers. Don't let prejudice interfer in your relationship with your children, or that she estranges you for it.

Wish you the best luck

[jentay1367]

I still hope she comes to terms with this and we can stay friends....

As someone so eloquently stated to me once when I was in denial.....

"if wishes were horses, beggars would ride". If all you say is accurate, it's time to plan your new life, for both your damned sakes.

[PrincessCrystal]

she forces me to present male even though it's starting to get ridiculous as I'm experiencing male fail almost 100%. I can't even wear a bra even though my breasts are quite prominent under my old male t-shirts. After 5 laser sessions, my facial hair is pretty much gone and my hair is almost touching my shoulders.

Sorry if this is a bit inappropriate, and I dunno if it'll even help, but you can't do what FTMs do to hide their breasts and pass?  I mean, for me, when I don't have visible facial hair, the difference in passing is mostly pulling my hair back in a ponytail to show my hairline.  I made some contingency plans for if I decided to be male full-time after a medical transition, and I'm pretty sure I could pass...

What have you tried?

[JessicaSondelli]

I think all I can do is say we care about you and believe you.

Thank you so much

[JessicaSondelli]

Sorry if this is a bit inappropriate, and I dunno if it'll even help, but you can't do what FTMs do to hide their breasts and pass?  I mean, for me, when I don't have visible facial hair, the difference in passing is mostly pulling my hair back in a ponytail to show my hairline.  I made some contingency plans for if I decided to be male full-time after a medical transition, and I'm pretty sure I could pass...

What have you tried?

Yes, you are absolutely right, I could bind my breasts to pass more as a man but honestly, it would make me sick as once again, I would pretend to be someone I'm not. I know I could possibly style my hair in a more masculine way. Do I want to? Hell, no! Could I spread my legs wide apart while sitting to look more manly? Yes, sure! I've practiced that for years to fit into society. Do I still want to do this? Hell, No!!!

I could also stop shaving my body hair, it would certainly help with passing as a guy but this sounds really like going back in time to be my old miserable self that harmed the family with his unmotivated behavior...

I want to show the kids that their dad can be a very happy, fun, loving and joyful person but I can't achieve this by continuing the so called lies for which I've been getting blamed for.... I just can't do this anymore. I really can't.

[JoanneB]

I will spare you the lecture about marriage.

My wife is very glad I am Alive, very glad about my actually doing things to Change my life, Proud of herself and her efforts to make me a self actualized person.

Totally out of her gourd about my physical changes and the total unknowns facing us both in the future

TBH - Both of us place the others happiness far above our own. We both know (dysfunctional families) how you cannot "Change" another person. Allow them to be all they can be, don't stifle them, and hope you both grow in the same direction together.

I've concluded a long time ago there is absolutely no way a Cis person can grasp what it is "Really" like to be trans. Even to come close to understanding is amazing enough. Empathizing, That is easy. "Oh you poor poor thing you..."

Why lament over the loss of something you never had? The truth is plain to see

[Rachel_Christina]

Its so sad to see how this happens, it was us that created this macho Characeter that no one can see past, I always wonder, even in my situation why did I not just ease up on the act, I remember being nailed for being girly, and slowly acting rougher, being more manly, to divert abuse :/
I hope something works out for you, but her mind seems made up, I hope the kids aren't so bad about it?

[Vervain]

OK, I want to take this bit by bit.

We still live under the same roof with our kids but she and the kids will move out pretty soon.

How old exactly are your kids? If they're almost adults, your wife will soon have no control over who they choose to contact. Hell, in the States, kids' preferences about parents are taken into account starting around age 13. The fact that she's choosing to move to Europe is the hitch, not the age.

Do you think your kids would be accepting of you should you come out to them?

People with a condition like this would not have kids. It's a very selfish behavior since there kids will now get bullied because of me.

This is not cool. This technically falls under eugenics. It is not her place to say who should and shouldn't reproduce, and I am mad as hell at her statement. She has a right to be upset, or angry, or grieving, the man she thought she married, but she has no right to tell you that you should never have had kids.

How can I explain her what this really feels like and that it wasn't possible for me to be there with my full attention while playing the life of someone else...

I don't think she will ever understand or even just accept it... It's frustrating and makes me incredibly sad.

I don't think that there's anything you can do or say. She's dealing with her own emotional turmoil, and I don't think she's in a place where she can understand. There are some people who just won't understand, period, and I don't know if she's one of those, either. She's taking it very personally, and that makes me think she probably has some issues of her own that she ought address in therapy (cis women being socialized from birth to assume responsibility for things having absolutely nothing originating with them), but that's not your call to make, either. It's also a guess on my part based on how you're passing along her phrasing. It could be entirely possible she feels like a failure, and is lashing out at you. Who knows?

Bottom line, I don't think this is a salvageable situation. There's too much complication, and it doesn't sound like she's in a place where she is able or willing to work with you. The way she is treating you is cruel and unfair, and of course you're in a great deal of pain as a result -- after all, someone you've been with that long knows exactly where to hit to hurt the worst.

I wish I could see a way to make it all better, but I don't. I think your best bet is to try to wait it out and decide whether to come out to your kids. If they're almost adults, that's something she has no control over whatsoever. Your kids may be supportive where your wife is not. You should also, at their age, still be able to have contact with them even if she moves. Actually, come to think, if you're planning on remaining in the States, and they're that old, a court would likely leave it up to them if they wanted to remain with you. I don't know, because you haven't said much about how they feel or are likely to feel. But it is worth considering.

*hugs and cookies offered*

[Briezy]

Hey, I hope what I am about to say doesn't sound harsh, as I sympathise with both your situation and your wife's

First, you have to understand that your wife fell in love with who she thought you were. Therefore, the fact you that lead a masculine life with this "hidden spot" and now after 25 years you transition, smacks her off as betrayal big time. I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault, you can't bottle up your feelings forever. However, she has the right to be mad, angry even. She's experiencing grief. She is losing the one man she fell in love with.

The one thing she has no right in saying is how you should present yourself. That is upon you to decide, not her. She also has no right in telling you shouldn't have kids. Just because you're transgender doesn't mean you regret having your children, or that your transition negates them. You will still be their parent and present in their lives you wish.

Yes, it does not sound like she understands or accepts. Mostly because she thinks you changed. And in a way you did, so it's undeniable. She has the right to leave this relationship if she's not happy in it, what she does not have the right for is to make you feel miserable for something you have no control over. You will need to let her go. Possibly, discuss divorce and find lawyers. Don't let prejudice interfer in your relationship with your children, or that she estranges you for it.

Wish you the best luck

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[Briezy]

Very well said.


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