Eternal struggle of missing something

[Kensi]

          For as long as I can remember I have wished I was a girl. I remember as a kid being bullied about the femininity of my walked. of course at the time, I just retrained my body to walk more masculine. As a kid I remember praying all the time for God to turn me into a woman. I have always felt as if I have been faking to much of my life. The feeling as if my own mythology has been to act not as I am but as I should be. As a teenage I experimented with nearly any mind altering drug I could get my hands on. Not the heavy stuff no crack or anything like that but Marijuana, alcohol and prescription drugs. This only escalated as I became old. Most believe that is just normal behavior, right? In a sense I agree however I drank to escape my own mind and in search of feeling accepted as I was. I have now been completely sober for over a year. At first I though that would ease my mind but all it has done is heighten my depression and anxiety. I have finally decided to seek help! As such, I have started counselling and have found it being so great to openly talk to another human being about my deepest desires. I am hoping to try the same thing here and maybe figure out my possible options.   

[Kensi]

PS. would love to hear from anyone in Florida.. I am located in the northeast section north of Jacksonville and near Fernandina beach..

[HappyMoni]

Welcome Everme,
    There are a lot of people here with similar feelings to what you describe. It sounds like you are saying running away from these feelings doesn't work. You will probably not see any threads on here about people successfully running from feelings like yours. I never could run and be happy. It is much better to face things, figure out what you need to do to live happily and go from there. There are many ways to cope, but only you will know what is right for you. I found no longer living with the "secret" was amazingly freeing. Counseling is a great idea. Well, my name is Moni. If I can help you, I'll be here.

[Kensi]

Yes! Thank you Moni, I'm sure this happens a lot but I feel as if I haven't even scratched the surface with this post.. There is so much more.. It took me a month to actually tell my therapist what was going on in me. I just started with the simple I'm gay and have an extremely homophobic family. But once again it goes way deeper

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You will find that we are all different had have come here over different paths but we all share the transgender feeling. You will discover people will welcome your thoughts and are willing to share whenever you need help. Often people are wary of of opening up when they first join but quickly join in the conversation. My transition and surgery was a long time ago but I am her to help anyone who desires it. I think you will find this site to be what you are looking for.

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[V M]

Hi Everme 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[HappyMoni]

Yes! Thank you Moni, I'm sure this happens a lot but I feel as if I haven't even scratched the surface with this post.. There is so much more.. It took me a month to actually tell my therapist what was going on in me. I just started with the simple I'm gay and have an extremely homophobic family. But once again it goes way deeper

  You know people put so much pressure on themselves. We can be our own worst enemies. Give yourself room and time to take steps to get more to where you want to be. The first steps are very hard especially if you sense hostility in those close to you. I would urge you to not get down on yourself. Come up with a plan for where you want things to go. Realistically, there are plenty of supportive people in the world. Your family may or may not end up being a part of that support. You can create a good place for yourself if you take a positive attitude. They may even surprise you. Part of my family could be described as hostile to LGBTGI. When I told them I was  trans, they said that me being family was more important than the other feelings. It is harder to hate a group if you are close to a person in that group.
  If you are really motivated to transition, you will find that things you see as impossible now will become things that you tackle and conquer in time. You will be amazed at what you can do. No BS! I know first hand.
Moni