Love letter

[Aurorasky]

So, here's the story. I am a 20 year old trans girl. Transitioned at 18 with HRT and I am waiting for SRS now.

Before my parents accepted my transition, I had to work to finance myself, so I have been from job to job. My last one was at all call center for telecommunications. It was quite tiring, and I since I pass, nobody knew except the supervisor and I changed my birth certificate and legal during the job. Some guys started hitting on me, but most were really down to sex, so I didn't go out with them. However, there was a 24-year old guy with dark hair and big eyes who was soooo shy who caught my eye. He seemed different. So I would tease him lightly just to mess up. Meanwhile, my parents started supporting me and I got enrolled in Nursing college on September and classes on the 26th. Thus, I decided to leave my job and everyone was surprised and said goodbye to me and came to me give me a kiss/hug, etc. They were all really nice. Everyone except the guy, who I will call N. I thought this was only because he was shy, obviously.

I decided I wanted to invite N to hang out and see where it could lead. He was surprised at my message but went along. We went to drink coffee, the conversation was nice but I felt he was kind of nervous, avoiding eye contact and laughing a lot. Two more dates followed, and also quite nice, but I wasn't feeling anything romantic or any advance happening. However, he started sending me romantic images I liked on fb back to me telling that I had liked them and that he liked them. I found a little creepy, that he was watching my facebook acitivity but I didn't put a lot of thought into this, especially because we were going out again on a Holiday. We did and we started by cinema. He wasn't making much conversation while we were trying to choose the movie, he said it was indifferent to him, whichever I would. So I chose Inferno. Not exactly fun or romantic but I really wanted to watch it.

The whole movie we didn't talk, I was too fascinated by the movie and I even forgot his presence because he was quiet and remained still the whole time in his seat. So, when the movie finished I tried to comment the movie with him but he just said he wasn't expecting to like it but he did. The conversation was going very shallow. We went to dinner, again I what to choose the restaurant. By this time, I was SO bored I just wanted to go home. I kept trying to bring issues and stuff to talk but it was so shallow. I asked if we should continue and if he was enjoying himself, he just said yes. Date finished, I went home thankful that it ended.

The day after I had to work on a group project, by observing a road close to university. He texted me wanting to join but I told him I was with my group. He just then said "that's ok, but after that you won't go to classes, can we be together for only like a few minutes? ". I replied no, cause I wasn't even finished. He replied coldly so I asked if he was upset. To which he replied he was just sad, he couldn't see, that it was very important for him and begged for me not to be mad for being like this. I told him I wasn't, but he continued telling how sorry he was if he somehow was abusing or pushing too much and said sorry for believing I was mad. He also told me to be patient with him. By this time, I was feeling so annoyed, I just told him to stop saying sorry, that I had never said he had done anything wrong. He said ok ok goodnight nice wishes blabla

To my surprise, I wake up at 3 AM with a message from him, hoping I would understand him now, and it was a love letter! A HUGE love letter, telling how he loved that I appeared in his life, how beautiful, intelligent I am and that I deserve much more than a piece of paper, how he wanted to kiss but didn't know how. He told me he had loved every moment and he was doubtful about sending the letter because he didn't know how I would react to it. He wrote he LOVED me in it. I got scared so I didn't reply and at 10 AM I received a message from him telling me to have a "good day full of wonderful things xxx", but I waited a lot to reply. Needless to say, I freaked out! I told him it was not okay to send me a letter at that time of the night, that it was too soon to be defining anything, that we don't even know each other, that he hasn't even kissed me and that last date he barely talked, and how this is turning into an obsession. He replied that we never choose a time to love someone to which I replied that love and liking someone are two different things. I told him how nothing made sense and that for his own good and mine we shouldn't see each anymore. He was quite sad but accepeted. Plus, I hadn't even told him I am trans and he doesn't know.

I want to know if I did the right thing...I honestly feel very sad and like a heartbreaker but the whole situation just freaked me out. I was just getting to know him and he seemed interesting, but I don't believe this is healthy attachment. Am I wrong for feeling like this?

[Dena]

People have different comfort zones and they don't remain the same throughout life. Some people are comfortable with everybody becoming close while others want to take it slow and easy. It appears that this is happening far faster than you are ready for it so you should set the boundaries where you are comfortable and if they aren't respected, you should end the relationship. This is not for us to judge but only for you to determine.

[Angélique LaCava]

Yea those feelings might change once you tell him. I once had a guy chase me for 3 months and when I decided to give him a chance he asked me out on a date and we talked every night for 2 hours till the day of the date and before the date I told him I was trans and he told me he wasn't expecting that.... he said when I said  " I have something to tell you"  he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant. Needless to say he told me "I guess I'm ok with it" and told me he will see me that night for our date and he never showed up and never rescheduled. So my conclusion he was so surprised that he was at loss for words and didn't want to hurt my feelings so he made me think he was still interested after knowing I'm trans, but really wasn't.

[Naomi71]

story. I am a 20 year old trans girl. Transitioned at 18 with I want to know if I did the right thing...I honestly feel very sad and like a heartbreaker but the whole situation just freaked me out. I was just getting to know him and he seemed interesting, but I don't believe this is healthy attachment. Am I wrong for feeling like this?

Well, these kinds of letters in the middle of the night would cross my boundaries too. On the other hand, he sounds a little shy and clumsy expressing himself, saying and doing the wrong things at the wrong time and being insecure while doing so. Either that's cute but a little immature, or just creepy.

Why don't you just tell him you're transitioning?

[Sophia Sage]

Well, first of all, it makes sense that you'd find the boy's advances premature and awkward.  Which isn't terribly unusual for boys of his age.  But like Dena says, we each have our own pace, and you're perfectly fine for turning him down -- we are not obligated to meet boys on their own emotional terms.   If he's not the right boy for you, that's pretty much that.  Be aware, though, that many boys equate their infatuations with a sense of entitlement. 

As to Naomi's question, it doesn't make sense to tell the boy you're transitioning now.  First of all, you've already kind of realized he may not be the right one for you, so it's probably moot as to whether anyone's getting past second base.  Second, though, you're under no obligation to tell anyone about your medical history.  In the vast majority of relationships, "coming out" when you're already being correctly gendered will generally undo that gendering.

Now, if you're going to get hot and heavy before SRS (not something my dysphoria would allow, but to each their own), then yes, it's wise to give advance notice on what they'll expect.  It's nothing you have to rush, though, as long as you're good and confident about maintaining your physical boundaries from pawing paws.

After SRS, though... Some women go years, decades, a lifetime without that kind of disclosure.  And if your personal truth is that you are indeed female, there's no deception here.  Sure, it's possible you might find someone who doesn't treat you any differently if you do happen disclose your medical status, but such people are rare and that spiritual grace can't be predicted. 

But this is one of those hot-button subjects in these parts -- getting back to your main situation, if you think his attachment was unhealthy, you're probably right, and you're not wrong for feeling that way at all.

[Jin]

Run. Run fast.