Bitterness...

[Annaiyah]

I find myself occasionally feeling bitter because of having been born male, when i know i should've been born female. I feel bitter and angry about it almost all the time. Not just that, I don't like being tall, having long feet and hands or none of that...

I'm afraid to commit suicide because doing so only prolongs the suffering and I don't want to have to repeat being trans in any other lifetime.

Some people are better at handling being trans than others, i take it. Living the transgender life is not for me, it never was and never will be. Maybe the patience to wait until i transition but i don't think i have the mental wherewithal to deal with being trans MTF. I never want to learn to adjust to being a male, i just want to be born female in the next life and the life after that, and so on.

Oh, and if you don't believe in reincarnation, please keep that to yourself. Please do not tell me things like "Reincarnation might not exist," or things of that sort. If you don't believe in reincarnation or not sure about it, i respect your position but at the same time, please respect mine because I want to believe in it, and please also don't tell me, "yes, you do have the strength to deal with it," when in fact you don't know that i can when i'm the only person who truly knows the extent of what i'm going through with my gender dysphoria. That'll just make me angrier and more stressed out.


But how does one deal when the stress gets to be too much?

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry that you are feeling down.  I hear you that there is a lot of stress and frustration in this journey. 

On a long journey, it is tempting to postpone our happiness unto the end of the journey.  We tell ourselves that we will be happy then, at some distant time, whether it is in a future lifetime, or a distant future in this life.  And then, because that is when we will be happy, we don't allow ourselves to be happy now.

And yet, now is all there is.  Yes, there is plenty that sucks at this moment in time.  The fact that our journey is not yet complete is stress now.  The fact that there is injustice all around us is stress now. 

But there is also joy now.  The fact that you have broken through denial and conditioning and are on the road to freedom is cause for joy.  There are little pleasures, too.  A year ago, I felt forced to buy only drab colourless male clothing.  Now, I can browse freely through beautiful, flowing, colourful clothes.  Even if money is tight, I can still look and enjoy.

Do you have anyone in real life who supports you?  A partner, relative or good friend?  Just knowing that that person supports you is cause for celebration now, today.

I, too, believe in reincarnation, but I am not going to rely on the slim chance that my next life will be better than this one.  I could come back as a slug.  Probably a male one, knowing my luck!  So I need to find my joy in this life.

I will not tell you that you are strong enough.  I hope that you are, but I don't know you that well.  But, if you don't feel that you have enough of your own strength for this journey, would you accept some of mine?  I'm happy to share.

[Dena]

The only way out of bitterness is to put it in the past, make a new life and enjoy what you have. I know it's not easy but I have had to do it several times in my life for trans and non trans related issues. You have started your transition and you have a path forward. If you have difficulty putting the past in the past, you should speak to a therapist about this. Life can be really great and there is no reason it can't be for you.

[Denise]

The only way out of bitterness is to put it in the past, make a new life and enjoy what you have. I know it's not easy but I have had to do it several times in my life for trans and non trans related issues. You have started your transition and you have a path forward. If you have difficulty putting the past in the past, you should speak to a therapist about this. Life can be really great and there is no reason it can't be for you.

Dena speaks wisely and from lots of experience (from reading hundreds of her postings)  I can tell you that I was in a similar boat as you where I was just an angry person.  Mostly I kept it bottled up for 1/2 century but it started to crack out.  The past week have been some of the best in my life.  I had a great therapy session, I restarted Estrogen, I came out to my co-workers, my wife and I are coming to an understanding that may not lead to divorce (I'm hoping).... Six weeks ago I could not see a future where I was in it.  Today I'm feeling great. 

Just a few simple phone calls got me started, Therapist and Medical Dr.  A little wine helped with the conversations with my wife but in the end I'm going to make it.  A huge change from just 6 weeks ago.

Understand that this, for most of us, is not a choice between gender, it's a choice between living and not living.  That one realization was instrumental in me moving forward with life.

[Rachel]

Hi, I am from Philadelphia too.

Bitterness, pain, regret and dysphoria, I got to the point of attempting suicide. From there I did an intake at the Mazzoni Center. I was referenced to a therapist and later started my transition. When I did my intake I was psychologically frail. I had to interview for my therapist. I was accepted, if I was not I made a decision to end it. If I was thinking differently I would have just got a different therapist.

The last thing I wanted to do was transition. I just wanted the pain to go away. HRT helped. Therapy helped. Group helped. What really started to reduce my dysphoria, regret and bittiness was coming out and expressing and procedures to align. Being a transwoman is difficult, being trans in hiding was much more difficult. 

I have support at work and that means a lot. I go to group and have a therapist. Mazzoni is my primary care. I am so much more comfortable now than I was.

I think for me, I am in constant change. I do not see the change but it happens every day. Holding on to the past causes pain. Being the best I can be and having equanimity has helped me navigate my present. The future I stopped worrying about. My Operations manager is Buddhist ( I have several Buddhist friends) and I am learning from him and it has helped. I have adopted much of what I have learned. I am becoming at peace with myself.

Good luck on your journey,

Best,
Rachel

[Mia]

I, too, faced deep anger and suicidal tendencies for decades. Life was cheap. Through a lot of therapy (with a therapist who specialized in gender issues - actually trans himself) I came to understand how fundamentally wrong things were in my life as a man.

At one of the significant crossroads in my therapy we discussed HRT. I was dead set against transitioning. I was 6'2", athletic and over-the-top masculine in my career and lifestyle. My innermost desire was to be absolutely the opposite! Impossible! Anyway, my therapist told me of another patient who worked in a church and had the same drive to transition. Obviously this church would not allow a transgender person in its workforce...so they decided to start a low-dose HRT regimen. They discovered that feeding the starving brain and body the "right" hormones, even in a small dose, really helped reduce the craving, the anger and anxiety of not transitioning. The worker continues to work while thoughtfully contemplating transition.

We started a similar regimen for me. It was fantastic, however to be honest over time (with therapy and soul-searching) I realized that I could not stop a transition, especially just because I imagined other people's response might be bigoted. I had to increase my hormone dosage.

It is important to remember at this point that the gender spectrum is broad - some people discover that they are happy floating somewhere between male and female, others (like myself) discover that they are binary and have to "go all the way." Visiting an MTF group taught me that the vast majority appear to fall in the middle-ground.

Bottom line - after over a year full-time, I still wish every day that I had been born female. I wish that I was oh, 5'8" and 130 lbs or so. I wish that I had "natural curves," that I grew up experiencing life as female. And, barring all of that, I wish that I hadn't waited until I was in my 50's to transition! I just posted in another forum about the process that led to my transition - there are many steps, but in the end you may be faced with one very simple question - is this life that I'm living mine, or am I handing it over to a fantasy of critical strangers who really don't matter?

Regardless of the bad days, dysphoria, bitterness and regret, the best decision I have ever made in my life was to move forward with my full transition. I think you would benefit greatly from setting aside the critical negativity and just delving into some quality therapy to get to the root of your very unhappy feelings.

[DawnOday]

All the complaints will be registered by those that believe in a fairy tale. Which is strange as they claim your deity does not exist. Just be thankful that there are 1.3 billion people who also believe as you do.