What Would You Do?

[Jess2Impress]

What would you do if you were at home...
Crying all alone...
On the Bedroom Floor...
Cause your unsure, and the only way to find you is to...
Sleep on your own for a little bit of quiet?...
And your friends are gone, in an out of lock down...
I ain't got a job now...
I'm just lying here now...
So for you this is just a good time...
But for me this is what I call life...

MMMMMMMMM...



What would you do?? I've tried to ask myself this question about a lot of things surrounding my life recently.. to the point it becomes so overwhelming you end up in the fetal position rocking back and forward.. fairly certain that even the least of your worries are un-achievable.

I have been in therapy for a little over 6 months now.. I originally said to myself I was seeing them regarding my inability to sleep, but after a SUUUUPER awkward 1st session (with a psychologist I haven't seen past my 1st session thank god), I came clean to myself and sought out a specialist in Gender and Dysphoria.

Ever since then I thought I found a happy middle regarding my future. I quit my job following a mini-breakdown.. I wasn't able to commit to work mentally.. and the job was suffering.

Following this.. I was able to come out to family.. and eventually my partner. I am extremely lucky to have a supportive family, and my partner is trying her hardest to find herself. It was getting here that gave me the freedom and confidence to commence HRT.. This was a week ago today.

So yes this is a very brief example of my life over the last few months.. but hopefully provides enough background to paint a picture

Prior to commencing my affirming treatment, I was so confident in my ability to transition socially. Now that I have started HRT, it seems completely overwhelming.

I tried to consider what it was in particular that I was so concerned about, but it quickly seemed to overwhelm me.

I asked myself seriously whether I was starting down the right path.. whether HRT is the path for me.. Thankfully.. and kinda reassuringly.. I know I'm doing the right thing. This has kinda forced me to dig deep and open up to myself.

So what would you do?

Lets be honest.. what I want is a wand to drop out of the sky (complete with instructions.. I'm sure they all have different rules on how to wave them correctly ) and use it to erase my 30yr old male mannerisms and body. While wizards work that one out, I'm left with an overwhelming task of changing myself.. even to a level I may not know exists..

I'm worried about my voice.. I have a notably deep tone..
I'm worried about my figure.. I'm 6ft tall..
I'm worried about my perception.. The other day I was sure my shoulders were relatively narrow (considering).. Today.. not so sure.
I'm worried about my mannerisms.. I walk, talk, and act like I've been brought up in a male.... oh wait I was!

I know there are therapies available for my voice. I know there are PLEEEENTY of tall women. I know that everyone has varied perception of themselves. I know I can practice my mannerisms.

What would you do? (or even better ) What did you do?

I think what concerns me the most is environmental. Even though I still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of changing much of what comes to me naturally after 30yrs of conditioning.. I'm eager to start. I've made the decision to hold off on living full time until I have a degree of confidence about myself both mentally and physically. I wanted to take that time I've given myself to work on these adjustments.

I literally don't know what to do with myself right now. Kinda feels like limbo. I'm overwhelmed with questions.. one of which is if I'm simply over-thinking.. NEEDING to tick too much of my list too quickly.

What should I do?

- Jess

[Wild Flower]

What I would do if I was you? I do not think we can even attempt that because peoples' happiness and values are all different from one another. What makes me happy is not what makes you happy. Like if life gave me you as my character(avatar) to be, and then run with it.

If I was you... (THIS IS NOT WHAT I WOULD DO FOR MYSELF).

1. Shave my scalp bald *this would be a sign of rebirth/renewing myself... aka Britney Spears*
2. Order myself a large pizza, and get some drinks. Then watch what would make me happy *Southpark would do*.
3. Look in the mirror the next day or three, and tell myself, "This is IT. THIS IS MY LOWEST POINT. I can't go farther down this point than today. As GOD as my WITNESS, I will make myself the person that I could be proud of starting today, nor will I let anyone bring me down on my path to happiness".

4. Brush my teeth, take a shower, and go job hunting. Find the ANY job available, and take it, even if it's a fast food restaurant.
5. Build up some savings, and then go from there.... *ignore all the transgender thoughts and ideas, because it's not about that right now. It's about surviving and saving money, and that will interfere with goals.*

Okay, you ask. Not sure if that helps.

also watch this... (Because Britney recovery is so inspiring)

[Sophia Sage]

Jess,

You're right to hold off on full time until you're comfortable with your presentation.  Also, your emotionality may be related to the new infusion of hormones, so take it easy on yourself.

Transition takes time.  It takes a bit of work, but obviously so many people have done it, so you have to know that it's entirely within your reach.  So, it helps to know what you're getting into and what you're going to have to do in order to achieve your dreams.

Ground zero: Find a local support group.  They will help you identify local resources to help with your transition, and will provide comfort and friendship and a safe place to start being yourself in a social environment.

Step One: Start working on your voice.  This takes a lot of experimentation, a lot practice, a lot.  There are all kinds of resources available on the web for how to go about this. Dig deep and start your research.  This requires no money on your part, just dedication.

Step Two: Attend to the permanent removal of your facial hair.  This typically takes one to two years, so start now.  This does take money, but it's also very important to do it right, to find someone who is actually good at this, who isn't going to waste your time and money.  (You want to get a temporary job just to keep up with the bills.  Something unimportant. Transitional. Not a job to build a career or relationships in.  Something easy to leave, eventually.)

Just this will give you the immediate sense that you are making progress. 

Now, as to mannerisms and movement.  On this, remember that if you are indeed female, you have always been female, in which case you have witnessed (however subconsciously) a tremendous amount of female socialization and social cues. In this respect, it actually helps to not be over-analytical about things.  Instead... let go.  Just let go of the old persona that's been in charge for the last three decades, and give your inner female spirit the reins.  You'll be awkward at first, but so is every girl in puberty.  Don't worry about it.  You have time.  And you have so many people here who want to help you succeed.

[Jin]

Sounds like you have issues way deeper than gender identity. For me it helps to turn to Jesus.

[Sephirah]

What should I do?

Take a deep breath, and take things one step at a time. When you look at anything life changing, it seems daunting. It seems like this giant mountain that you're staring up at in dread, while you don't even have the first clue how to begin climbing it. It's mental overload, and happens to everyone when you try and do everything at once.

Slow it down. Break it down into manageable chunks that don't make your mind want to jump out the nearest window. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.". That's really all life is, a series of steps, to get to where you want to be. Focus on one step at a time, and you'll get there. *hugs*

[Randi]

Being trans* is very expensive.  Unless you have a huge amount of savings or are expecting an inheritance, a job is necessary to your survival.  You will need at least $50K more than a non-trans* person in similar circumstances.

I quit my job following a mini-breakdown.. I wasn't able to commit to work mentally.. and the job was suffering.

[Jess2Impress]

@Wild Flower - I can't see myself shaving my head as I've worked hard to start growing my hair.. haha.. but I see where your focus is rather on happiness than anything else.

@Sophia Page - Soooo helpful Perspective is one thing I lack so thank you very much Ground Zero sounds fantastic.. I'm not aware of any support networks locally here in Queensland, Aus. My sister attended one.. but described it as very condescending and not much help (it was a group for LGBTIQ but more focussed on LGB).

I'm curious as to your final paragraph though.. and was hoping for some further explanation? Is this something you experienced yourself or was it a characteristic brought to your attention? I certainly notice different mannerisms in different people.. but not so much gender defining. Meaning sorry.. it isn't a case of 'walk like this' or 'talk like this'. I tried to look for what I might classify as masculine or feminine characteristics..

I went for a walk yesterday and attempted to follow your advice.. kinda let my body do the walking rather than my mind.. and while the dog yanking on the leash constantly didn't help I did notice a difference in how it felt. Less rigid.. more natural.. more FUN nearly! It would be interesting to get an external perspective as to whether it works with my goal of passing or not.

@Jin - I'm sorry but I was actually hurt reading that. With discussing religion outside of designated areas not allowed on the forum I'm not going to go in detail, outside of bringing to your attention that your suggestion doesn't help in the slightest. As for other 'issues'.. I can't actually write an appropriate response but I think that suggests what I think of that.

@Sephirah - Its actually a pretty accurate analogy! Perhaps I've adopted a degree of impatience having been aware of my dysphoria for so long.. which doesn't help with the tasks at hand. So long as I do look at it as multiple tasks rather than one substantial one.. it does help Thank you!

@Randi - I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry about money.. however I've set myself on a separate path to chase those goals I have a fair bit in savings.. approx. 2/3rds what I should need.. I felt safe enough to leave work to give myself the space I needed to deal with what was going on.. but the prime intention was to leave work to go back to school, and start a degree at university.

I currently have feelers out looking for part-time work.. a disposable job to keep my income high enough to maintain medication and appointments.. In Australia we also have a fantastic Private Health program to assist affirming surgeries for Transgender patients.. it isn't cheap so as long as I'm earning enough to cover it, I'll feel safe.



I surprised my partner at work yesterday with lunch.. and then I went to the beach for a few hours. I put together a new playlist to sing to all the way there and on the way back.. I walked the dog and spent  1 1/2hrs at yoga.. and it was the best I've felt in a long time. You pushed 'happiness' more than anything else, and it gave me perspective again.

Thank you !

- Jess

[Sophia Sage]

I'm curious as to your final paragraph though.. and was hoping for some further explanation? Is this something you experienced yourself or was it a characteristic brought to your attention? I certainly notice different mannerisms in different people.. but not so much gender defining. Meaning sorry.. it isn't a case of 'walk like this' or 'talk like this'. I tried to look for what I might classify as masculine or feminine characteristics..

I went for a walk yesterday and attempted to follow your advice.. kinda let my body do the walking rather than my mind.. and while the dog yanking on the leash constantly didn't help I did notice a difference in how it felt. Less rigid.. more natural.. more FUN nearly! It would be interesting to get an external perspective as to whether it works with my goal of passing or not.

Yes, exactly that, let your body do the walking.  Less rigid, more natural... more flowing.  Being comfortable in your own body will give you confidence, which in turn will make you less self-conscious, and that psychological attitude will make people more amenable to subconsciously give you want you're really asking for, which is female gendering.

If you're interested in a more academic approach to some general (not defining) social differences you might want to be aware of, just some things to chew on as you think about long-term socialization, try Women's Ways of Knowing: The Development of Self, Voice, and Mind (Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger and Tarule 1986) and You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (Deborah Tannen, 1990).  Mind you, this is a slice of Western social norms, written around 30 years ago.  But it's worth keeping in mind that the broad strokes outlined are what a lot of women expect of each other.

Have fun,
Sophie