Orientation Confusion (Pre-T)

[Deano]

So I've been going half-crazy over this question.

As some of you on here know (even though I don't post often) I have come out of the closet over a year ago. My first appointment to start HRT is on December 1st and I want to schedule my top surgery hopefully before spring.

I'm the body type that produces more testosterone naturally, and so a lot of the changes have already started occurring, and I'm also in the middle of discovering myself as a man in terms of career path, athletic aspirations, and sexual preferences.

The latter are the most confusing. I won't get into detail but I've been actively asking myself if I'm bisexual or entirely gay and struggling to accept it since it makes me feel dysphoric.

Anyone else experience something similar? Did you find some solace in the mental definition T brought you?

Thanks.

[RoryM]

I'm pre-T as well but I can understand where you are coming from. Though I know for a fact that I am attracted to men, I pretty much have no experience in the romance department because of dysphoria. Never kissed or anything, only dated one boyfriend for two months. I hate it because I don't want to be seen as a woman when I am dating a guy. For a long time when I was younger I just told myself I was asexual (even though I was pretty much the opposite) because I didn't want to come to terms with being trans.

Also having a hard time coming to terms with the whole gay thing because it isn't seen as normal and I know that a lot of the people in my life would always look down on my relationships with men because it's gay.

Do you feel dysphoric with men because your afraid they'll see you as a woman and not a man?

[Elis]

Yeah T definitely made me able to think much more clearly now the dysphoria is almost non existant. It made me more honest with myself as well that I'm mainly gay and nb. Try not to worry and  wait until the T does its thing . It'll take a few months for your brain to adjust and for the mental affects to occur

[Deano]

Thanks for your input guys.

The most mind-numbingly hurtful aspect of all this is that I'm currently in a very serious relationship with a non gender binary person. I view them as more male, even though they don't identify more with one gender than the other. They're also aware I'm this lost considering how I'm still pre-everything and they can see and feel my frustrations with feeling helpless cos I don't have all the answers about myself. I'm the guy that usually prides himself on having a plan, but it's like having an inner government overthrown. Nothing is certain anymore and we've been working through this together, with me admitting I'm very attracted to men, have been through several situations where I've seen evidence of that attraction, and also have fantasies involving men.

All the same I don't want to put my partner through the pressure of identifying themselves as male in order to be with me. I'd never pressure them to go in that direction. We also both want to save the friendship should things get to a point I have to admit to myself I'm a 100% gay. It feels I won't know 'til T definition gives me more clarity, for now it's all questions, pain, and self-flagellation. I'm not one to be dramatic but it's been hell. Rage issues have gotten worse since.

What Rory brought up about the dysphoria being about me feeling like a woman around men, it's spot-on too. I worry that even once everything's done (for me that'd be getting used to hormones and top surgery) I'll feel like a chick around dudes I'm into. That's probably paranoia and self-deprecating anxiety. I'm a really confident person but I get I scrutinize my own lack of knowledge about how things will be when I'm finally myself, which I haven't been for 25 years.

There's more questions than answers and it drives me bat->-bleeped-<-. All I can do is hang in there and be truthful to my partner about all of it. We're like twins and we support each other no matter what, but I'd like to have a chance to find some sort of help for the both of us while we go through all the steps this transition brings into my life. We're in it together.

[FTMax]

I wasn't sure about my orientation prior to T. I had exclusively dated women and other transmen in the past, and identified as pansexual though I didn't feel it completely fit.

On T, I started dating another transguy and quickly realized that the only masculinity I was attracted to was my own. If that makes sense. I went back to dating women almost immediately.

I also came to the realization that I am most likely some degree of asexual. I am waiting until after bottom surgery is done to make the final call on that, but it's been a pervasive mentality for all of my adult life.

[Kylo]

I don't think anything's changing for me on high dose of T. I'm less interested in sex for some odd reason, perhaps that will change, although I hope not. I'm quite content not being badgered by sexual urges.

In terms of dealing with my own orientation down the years, I can be aroused by women, but I've only really been interested in relations with men. I'm not going to fool myself on the challenges that may face transmen dating gay men. I know such challenges exist. And to be honest, I've preferred the temperaments of straight men, even though they are not longer an option. That's why I'm happy not thinking about it so much for whatever reason that might be.

Being around men doesn't make me dysphoric, really. Gay isn't seen as normal but neither have I ever been, and I've felt even in my "straight" relationships a sense of it not being seen as completely carefree and normal etc. Perhaps my partners have just been uptight antisocial themselves and never been fully relaxed around others being in a relationship. There's no need for me to feel normal, but there is need to maintain privacy and safety, I think.