Non-binary Introduction

[Raell]

Hello

I'm a 64-year-old bio American female but qualify for several gender labels. My gender identity is about 60% male, so I could fall under adrogynous, bigender, gender fluid, partial trans, and non-binary labels.

I'm a university English prof, but moved to Thailand to teach ESL so I can pursue bird photography, ride a motorbike year round, and swim in the ocean. I love it here.

My grown son and daughter live in the US.

I was divorced in 2010 when I moved here, but a few days ago, my ex, a former airline and Navy pilot, who had remarried, emailed me that he loved me, missed me, wanted to get back with me, and was going to come out as non-binary female.

I'm asexual/demisexual so hadn't bothered to find a new love interest, and had just been thinking my ideal mate would be a female version of my gorgeous, 6'1" fit ex husband.

I was sceptical, and was quite short with him, but he has persisted in his story, so I've stopped scoffing.

He says his wife is taking him to a marriage counselor and he plans to come out then. I was taken aback, not sure what to think. Since his wife and family are all wealthy, religious Republicans, this can't end well.

I can't say it's not real, because that's how it happened for me..a old high school friend outed me and I realized I'd thought of myself as male all my life. But I'm still partly female, so just see myself as non-binary.

In Thailand it doesn't matter that much since any kind of gender expression is allowed.

[Ayla]

Raell

Some of my best relationships and experiences have occurred when I suspended my initial disbelief.  I think that being trans we are born feeling that we somehow don't fit and that we don't deserve or are unlikely to find love as our authentic self.

I am trans maab, non binary, with a female identity and andro presentation.  Perhaps this is due to my wife and my commitment to our relationship.   She has madeit clear on more than one occasion that she is nt a lesbian and f I want to continue my relationship with her then I am not allowed to present as female.

If I thought there was a possible scenario such as you appear to have with your ex, I would grab it with both hands.  No question at all.  The fact that they are still attracted to you, that they wish to have a relationship with you and both of you now have the chance to build this relationship in a more authentic manner - seems much too attractive to discount, to delay or to demur.

I say 'go for it'.  As you note, Thailand is a much more accepting place.  There will be less noise and both of you will have  less interference as you create future possibility and a life together.  Being a romantic at heart, some things are fated and love always seems to find a way, if you are open to it.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Ayla]

Raell

Just read your other thread re 'suddenly trans'.  So very sorry re your ex husband's manipulation and antics.  Someone playing with our emotions is the last thing we need.

Aisla

[Raell]

Yes, with my ex, I can't afford to relax my guard. I was hoping transitioning into a more female role would make them happy and perhaps more trustworthy.

As a majority transmale, I'm a straight-shooter, don't know how to do deception, so often must fight against my instinct to trust in people I love.

But for yourself, is your current presentation enough for you? Do you experience dysphoria with a partial transition?

I do the same, presenting as partially androgynous female at work, but I take derris scandens, a Thai herb that combines my male and female gender modes so I feel contented and blended.

Before I started taking the herbs, I was considering taking testosterone to relieve the pressure and stop the panic attacks. I never wanted to become a male..I have always assumed I'm already male. I know there's a female side, but the influence is weaker and seems to be incomplete.

[Ayla]

My current presentation ie andro male is ok.  This is because I identify as non binary but I also feel gender fluid.  So in some ways I would like more freedom of expression but the collateral damage that would be caused to our marriage means that this is not an option (my wife says that she is not a lesbian and does not wish to be perceived as such).  I am now on more than low dose hrt which has shut down my dysphoria and I feel really comfortable.  Similarly I have permanently removed all facial hair, pits, chest, leg hair etc and I had FFS to androgynise my face - so I look younger, have long hair and moved into a more casual work environment so I am in a much better place and presenting closer to my true self than once was the case. 

But if I use makeup or combine some clearly feminine elements I trigger my wife.

Some days this seems to be unfair to me and in other ways it is unfair to her.  We remain committed to our relationship and I think we both hope that we can find a comfortable middle ground where we both have much of what we need.

If I had started earlier then the physical changes would be much more noticeable but I became a pretty muscular and athletic male prior to hrt.  While my appearance has softened I present as andro male rather than andro female even though those that know me experience me as feminine rather than masculine.

Its a funny path we walk.  But it is the only path we have and I am determined to find my way forward.  I don't feel angry.  It just is as it is.  Gender doesn't define me and most days. provided my dysphoria is under control. I marvel and celebrate at just how far I have come.

Safe travels

Aisla