Nothing changes even after admitting everything? Maybe there's something else?

[needhelp]

Hey there once again !

Just wanted to update that well, self realization has been improving in terms of telling to myself what I am, however I still have one issue...
I still have this issue, again not sure if anxiety related due to dysphoria or not, but I seem to never have anything to say to people, by this I don't mean due to social anxiety. Even if you were to lock me up in a room by myself and ask me to think of fun things to write about, or topics to discuss, I'll be just like blank (or more like a constant blockage rather than blank)
I'm always told by people than nothing I say in conversation makes much sense, and have a hard time with social situations.
This has led me to hating myself basically. It's just as if I hate whatever comment comes out of my mout (it feels as if my voice and everything pisses me off, and I feel like some little immature kid)...

So I know I've asked this before, but I'm still trying to tell if this is something normal around transgender folks (maybe because dysphoria leads to de-realization and such, which then leads to other issues - such as mental instability - or even because we are not really connected to our bodies meaning we are not 100% aware of how we appear to others), or if it's something else that I'm dealing with, say some Autism Spectrum Disorder (maybe Asperger's), or something of the sort.

It's just sad because I feel empty inside, maybe I'm mentally slow? I can't create. All I can do is copy things and such. It feels bad not being able to come up with a simple original joke.

Anyways ! Any storied much appreciated. I've talked about this with my Dr. but she's not 100% sure as to why I feel this way.

Thanks !

[Emileeeee]

Are you trying to convince yourself that none of this trans stuff is real for you? That's what it sounds like to me.

I can't create anything on my own either. I can enhance somebody else's stuff, but that's about the extent of my creativity.

I've felt the emptiness before, but I don't know what it is. It cleared itself up on its own for me. It was like having zero emotions, even in situations that they should have been uncontrollable. I kind of think it was stress for me, or maybe anxiety stemming from stress.

[needhelp]

Are you trying to convince yourself that none of this trans stuff is real for you? That's what it sounds like to me.

I can't create anything on my own either. I can enhance somebody else's stuff, but that's about the extent of my creativity.

I've felt the emptiness before, but I don't know what it is. It cleared itself up on its own for me. It was like having zero emotions, even in situations that they should have been uncontrollable. I kind of think it was stress for me, or maybe anxiety stemming from stress.

Not not at all, actually just wondering if this is actually common among transgender people, or if I actually happen to be one, who as well has some kind of issue (be it being mentally slower than average or having some issue causing me not to have anything to say, etc.) OR if this is actually quite common and it goes away with hormone therapy basically.

Thanks !

[Sno]

Hey-hey, I know that feeling.

I think it's a part of our self managing dysphoria, keeping busy and all that... we tend to become givers, we help folk, we support folk, we listen to folk, and generally keep busy(ish).

That can mean we do little for ourselves, and that in turn means we have little of our own (excepting our internal struggles), to share - quite isolating in many ways...

Sno

[Elis]

Yeah I've had this. Dysphoria can cause you just not to feel 'right' which makes your brain not function correctly. On T my brain feels less cloudy and I feel more comfortable. But I had depression and social anxiety which wasn't trans related which I thought would go away on T but didn't. Although I no longer felt anxious or depressed bcos of my body or how people perceived my gender. Cognitive behavioural therapy has helped a lot more than the T did. And now I can think quicker and am generally not very anxious anymore. I still feel unable to know what to say to people so I avoid that but I can cope a lot better in social situations. Before T I hated talking bcos my voice sounded too fem but now on T and my voice has deepened my anxiety surrounding that has gone. I still feel mentally slow but I guess that's due to me not socialising. I'm probably bordeline autistic but who knows.

So yeah you could have anxiety/depression due to being trans or it could be separate. A therapist may help

[Kylo]

Hey there once again !

Just wanted to update that well, self realization has been improving in terms of telling to myself what I am, however I still have one issue...
I still have this issue, again not sure if anxiety related due to dysphoria or not, but I seem to never have anything to say to people, by this I don't mean due to social anxiety. Even if you were to lock me up in a room by myself and ask me to think of fun things to write about, or topics to discuss, I'll be just like blank (or more like a constant blockage rather than blank)
I'm always told by people than nothing I say in conversation makes much sense, and have a hard time with social situations.
This has led me to hating myself basically. It's just as if I hate whatever comment comes out of my mout (it feels as if my voice and everything pisses me off, and I feel like some little immature kid)...

So I know I've asked this before, but I'm still trying to tell if this is something normal around transgender folks (maybe because dysphoria leads to de-realization and such, which then leads to other issues - such as mental instability - or even because we are not really connected to our bodies meaning we are not 100% aware of how we appear to others), or if it's something else that I'm dealing with, say some Autism Spectrum Disorder (maybe Asperger's), or something of the sort.

It's just sad because I feel empty inside, maybe I'm mentally slow? I can't create. All I can do is copy things and such. It feels bad not being able to come up with a simple original joke.

Anyways ! Any storied much appreciated. I've talked about this with my Dr. but she's not 100% sure as to why I feel this way.

Thanks !

It sounds as if you isolate yourself from interaction and conversations and popular things. If you do that, you will feel out of the loop, unable to know what people find funny, or how to make things sound funny and to do it quickly enough for it to be a timely joke, etc.

What you might need to do is socialize more, that way you'll be able to pick up on cues from other people and learn how to be funny, learn how to turn topics you might want to speak about into a conversation that will lead others to add their thoughts to it. Just listening to how other people speak, how others hold the sort of conversations you would like to have, is useful.

This was my problem as a 7-12 year old - I was basically kept away from socializing as much as the average kid by parents, so when the time came to go to school I didn't even know how to react or relate to the other kids. I didn't know what to say or how to say it and it made my school years absolutely miserable.

The more you interact, the better you get at interacting, the sharper your conversational and humor skills will become. Trust me. I went from being an almost mute kid, to leading conversations. But it took practice and interaction.

[DawnOday]

I sympathize with you as it was my inability to communicate that led me to finally seek therapy. I am otherwise a high functioning individual, I have the ability to recall every perceived slight, misconception, event in minute detail, and hold a grudge, ten/twenty years later. Every day is half empty for me. Optimism is for other people. My wife must really love me to put up with this for 35 years. I don't trust anyone. Cannot confide in anyone without making them mad at me. I always have to be right and I come at it from the angle that I have done the research. Which I usually have. But forget about the research. I think everyone I talk to does not have the depth of understanding that I do, so it tends to come off as condescending. Thy name is sarcasm. Irony is lost on me. Creativity comes in many forms and while I cannot draw or do anything artsy, crafty. But I taught my self to program so I consider that as my creativity. But while many type away at 80 -100 words a minute, I hunt and peck an amazing 25 - 30 words a minute. It has always been this way as far back as I can remember. I had to be the know it all, and the only one I was impressing was me. I still present like that here on this forum. I am aware. I am in therapy. It is a very tough slog. The more I learn about my sexual dysfunction and the knowledge I have always been different has led me to seek transition, even at my advanced age. Most women do everything I do not. Smile, touch, feel, acknowledge, empathize, find joy in simple things. Actually my speech therapist is teaching me these traits and it is a totally new world and I love it. I used to cross dress and not know why, I just knew that I liked it. A lot. I prayed, I dreamed, I hoped that God would make me a woman. Maybe in my next life. But for now I am satisfied how this is progressing. The walls I had built up around me are finally seeing some cracks. Is this a trait of transgenders, our couple of stories are anecdotal at best and do not represent all transgender people. But I do find comfort in knowing, there is someone out there like me that has turned their life around. While I do love cross dressing, I am learning it is more then fake boobs, makeup and clothes.