It's very difficult to practice non-disclosure when there are kids involved.
Quote from: Stevie on November 12, 2016, 01:45:14 AM
I started a new job in August no one here knows about my past, I know it probably doesn't look it from my avatar photo but I pass. When talking with people at times the subject of marital status and children sometimes gets asked of me. I have told them I have four children and I am married but separating from my spouse after we sell our house. Some then start asking questions about my husband which makes me have to reply about my spouse with male pronouns at times. This makes me feel some distress as I don't want to lie but I Also don't want to out myself to everyone. I try to jut use the word spouse but sometimes that is not possible.
It's kind of late now, but there's another way to deal with this sort of situation, depending on your orientation. If you're lesbian, you can say you've been in a long-term relationship with another woman but you're breaking up... and though her kids were from a prior relationship (the previous you, but you don't say that, obviously) you're hoping to maintain a relationship with them. Of course, this effectively outs you as lesbian or bi. But it's honest. And no, you really don't want to pretend you've had the experience of giving birth.
If you're straight, you can say you've never found the right man to marry, and compartmentalize everything else.
I think these are preferable to misgendering your spouse, for a few reasons. First, it's tricky to get the pronouns wrong, and it's something that might make you feel icky inside. Second, being married to a man is a very different experience from being married to a woman. If other people assume you've been married to a man, they'll assume you have that experience -- which is good, in that you'll learn obliquely what most other women know intimately, but not so good in that your actual lack of knowledge may betray you.
Third, a lot depends on the custody of your kids. If they're grown and out of the house, no problem. But if they're young, what are the arrangements? It's extremely rare for the mother to leave them to the father; if you don't have joint custody, it would probably have been better not to invoke them at all.
Anyways, all this is moot -- you're in a particular story now. If I were you, and people bring it up to you in conversation, I'd say something like "It's not really going well right now and I don't want to talk about it."
