which goal do you prefer , perfect stealth or total openness or other

[stephaniec]

At this stage in my life because of my age I don't rally care anymore about this issue, but this is just my circumstance.

[Wild Flower]

On a need to know basis, unless for someone reason I became a public figure to transgender people all around the world.

[DawnOday]

Same here. If I were twenty I would be out and an activist. Now I am old but I will give support any way I can.

[KathyLauren]

Living in a small village, everyone is going to know within minutes of my coming out.  But when my wife and I get old, we will probably move to a nearby town that is large enough to give a degree of anonymity.

At that point, given my age at transition, it is unlikely that perfect stealth would be a reasonable goal.  I would be happy to be gendered correctly most of the time.  I do not intend to publicize the fact of being trans, but if someone figures it out, I do not intend to deny it.

[stephaniec]

it's impossible for me anyway at this time to be stealth because I've transitioned in the same neighborhood everyone has seen me for 20 years.

[Lilliana]

I am basically slowly transitioning in front of everyone I know and at work.  Luckily for me, I live in Sacramento and while I get some stares, most of the time men check me out, then look away when they realize what is up (it cracks me up to see what men do trying to be cool and I think, did I do this? pathetic!) and women always smile; I cannot imagine doing this in a more regressive state.

If anyone asks, I will tell them the truth, I am surprised no one I know has asked so far though.  I know everyone is going to know I was born a male so I figure I have nothing to hide at this point in my mid fifties, not to mention the corporation I work at has an extremely progressive gender identity policy and have on line documents managers are supposed to follow for someone in transition.

[Sophia Sage]

On a need to know basis, unless for someone reason I became a public figure to transgender people all around the world.

The only person who needs to know is my endocrinologist.

it's impossible for me anyway at this time to be stealth because I've transitioned in the same neighborhood everyone has seen me for 20 years.

This is why I moved.

If anyone asks, I will tell them the truth, I am surprised no one I know has asked so far though.

What about getting to the point where no one asks?

And then there's the matter of "the truth."  Isn't it your truth that you are female?  And that you really always have been, despite the mistakes of physiology and society? 

I refuse to privilege those mistakes over my truth.

This is why I really hate the term "stealth" -- because it privileges those mistakes over the truth.

[archlord]

I think this poll bias... Some cant and will never be perfect stealth due to passing issues..  Otherwize.. who doesnt want to have a normal woman life.. isnt this what we transitionned for? to be a woman? not a trans.

Trans= "transition"  into a woman in first place,   from A-Z   . Some get stuck for years at ( for exemple) Step F   and some are even confortable never reaching the Z step and being transgender ( no grs).

[kaitylynn]

Hearing the sentiment for those of us with a few miles under out feet brings some thought to me, I have never really worried about 'passing' or being the perfect 'looking' woman.  It is the ultimate goal for many, but having been at this for the better part of 30 years, it became clear that it is about what is inside for me.  It's not what is on the outside.  When starting transitioning in the mid 90's, I was one of this 'lucky ones', able to 'fit in' and be stealth, but uncovered how fickle looks truly are.  Having that my whole goal would leave me coming up short when I was no longer youthful.

Now, I just do not care about fitting in.  It is not for lack of ability...my partner is a theatrical makeup artist and I have had years to remove the movement markers that tag even some of the prettiest (passable) trans girls.  You can have the most gorgeous appearance, but if you go in to a space and sit 'like a guy'...people will figure it out fairly quickly.  So in the end, what is the real goal for me?

For me, it is to live a fulfilling life and help others along the way.  I have my partner in life.  I can pass well enough if I give the time to it.  I have a great (supportive and accepting) job that is 100% on board with my transition.  My heart is at rest most of the time with where I am in life and how the future appears to be unfolding.  Stealth?  Not sure that it is the goal it once was for me as I do not want to end up hiding again by changing my appearance to the other side of some spectrum.  As I age, being non-binary really seems to be who I am...and there it is:

Be true to yourself, to your goal and set your intent to where you want it to be.  Beware rigidity in heart and mind, things will certainly change...both with age (not at all referencing 'looks' in that).  Love those you meet along your path and smile often.

[Karen_A]

I think this poll bias... Some cant and will never be perfect stealth due to passing issues..  Otherwize.. who doesnt want to have a normal woman life.. isnt this what we transitionned for? to be a woman? not a trans.

I would think that is almost (nothing is 100% when people are involved) universally true for those that have SRS... either from the start or awhile after it is all over...

But yes IMO (regardless of what some say) not all can do it no matter how much they want to or how hard they try.

Then there is what one would want, and what what feels one is obligated to, and what one does for love of family etc.

In other words, even when it is possible, ones does not always do what one wants for oneself... For example  in general outside of T* considerations,  no one wants to die, but some will die to save for others they love etc. That type of things can limit how far someone goes regardless of what they may want very much for themselves...

A lot depends on how someone is 'built' overall emotionally, not just just what they want most for themselves.

So yes almost all of us who go to SRS want very much just to be 'normal' women (if not initially then awhile after surgery), but for some it not physically realistic and for some what went 'before' can't be ignored, or cutting all ties and abrogating responsibilities assumed.goes against their moral compass,  no matter how much they want a 'normal' life

We get faced with more difficult decisions, and get pulled apart more than most people. We often find ourselves in impossible situations... That is why we need need to be understanding of those that make different choices than our own on this topic...

I personally think that it is always a mistake to be stealth from a spouse, and strongly argue against it, but I don't condemn those that take that route.

In an ideal world, having transitioned and had SRS, would not matter, so there would be no need for stealth and our lives would be a lot simper....

But in the real world, the question should not be what ones would prefers, but what one can live with and feel good about.

- Karen

[Karen_A]

When starting transitioning in the mid 90's, I was one of this 'lucky ones', able to 'fit in' and be stealth, but uncovered how fickle looks truly are.

I started transitioning close to the same time as you (I went full time in 97, SRS 98) but (from your avatar) I suspect I was older than you when I did.

I was not one of the lucky ones physically ... between that and being married before and having had the marriage survive, much of my life is a compromise from what I would 'prefer'.

But I am not alone and am loved, I am employed, and overall in a better place than I was 'before'.  While some things are and will always be difficult, I don't know how I realistically could have done much better... I can live with that.

- Karen

[stephaniec]

this is just my opinion and I mean absolutely no harm to anyone. The reality is that it is difficult to appear totally  cis for a lot of us because this is nature ,we were born one gender physically and of course to change completely appearance wise is going to be a challenge . It's just nature no fault whatever on anyone. Some are lucky genetically where there is a smooth transition and others who have just as much right to change as anyone else have more difficulty , but they cannot be denied the right to help themselves. Ideally in my personal opinion with no harm intended is to totally obliterate the concept of stealth so each and everyone of us can achieve happiness by being who they need to be without the distraction or pain of worrying about whether they are accepted as their true selves. I asked the question for just statistical data .collection on the community with absolutely no harm intended . I'm for personal reason trying to obtain as much data on our community for my own understanding and possibly for the education of others so our community is better understood. I fantasize that possibly myself or some interested grad student can collect all the data that I'm trying to expose and publish a paper to help our community and ourselves I truly mean no harm by my insane pursuit of data. I know there is so much conflict that can be generated just by the label  transgender and I'm sorry as I do not mean harm. I personally for myself embrace the term trans as perfectly classifying who I am and I know there is so much differing opinion on the application of terms such as transgender. My biggest problem at the moment is trying to figure out how I can collect and print out all the posts that I have submitted along with all the accompanying  data so I can possibly organize it into a thesis on the trans community someday. This might just be wishful thinking though.

[Barb99]

I transitioned openly so stealth is pretty much out of the question unless I were to move away, even then I wouldn't go out of my way to hide it.

In day to day life as I meet new people I prefer not to let them know. I don't feel that I'm hiding anything, I'm just not advertising it. If people figure it out then I'm very open to talking about transgender issues.

The only time I think there would be a need to know would be with someone I was going to get into a serious relationship with.

[Lady Sarah]

I enjoy the fact that nobody asks. I can go anywhere, and get referred to as "ma'am". I absolutely hated the times I got read. Stealth never worked. Before HRT, people asked me if I was a guy or a girl.

Sent from my NS-P10A7100 using Tapatalk

[2cherry]

Stealth is my preference. I don't like to tell everything about myself, and that also reflects in my (gender) history. I don't mind if someone knows, but I know that once someone knows, they can treat me differently.

[kelly_aus]

Stealth is my preference. I don't like to tell everything about myself, and that also reflects in my (gender) history. I don't mind if someone knows, but I know that once someone knows, they can treat me differently.

Odd, I know from experience that I get treated no differently by people who know vs people who don't.. I also know that people who find out also don't treat me any differently.

[Emileeeee]

I'd love to stealth instead of what I'm doing, but I feel like I'd be dropping the ball, so I go with the exact opposite and stick with total openness. Seeing other people doing it is what helped give me the courage too. How can I take that gift and not pay it forward?

[Michelle_P]

I'm sort of obvious, 5 months of HRT, no surgeries, only basic makeup skills, old as dirt, and full time.  The idea of me being 'perfect stealth' is hilarious, so I just roll with it and totally own it.

[Sophia Sage]

I'd love to stealth instead of what I'm doing, but I feel like I'd be dropping the ball, so I go with the exact opposite and stick with total openness. Seeing other people doing it is what helped give me the courage too. How can I take that gift and not pay it forward?

Getting to know other women living a woman's life, unadorned by narrative disclosure, is what inspired me the most. So I pay it forward in the same way I received that gift -- through telling stories.

[Sophia Sage]

As I age, being non-binary really seems to be who I am...and there it is

It all depends on your truth.