Five Years of My Life

[Reyes]

Okay I seriously don't know what I'm going to do and how I'm gonna make it through this, I just can't...
This Tuesday is the one year anniversary of the day I first realized I was trans. And for the past two months things have finally been moving forward, I was looking forward to starting HRT as soon as possible, I want and need to so badly I can't even put it into words that will do the feeling justice.
But now Trumps president, and his VP is the literal devil Mike Pence. And there was all those promises they gave to repeal gay marriage, to make it legal to discriminate against the trans community, and my parent's are scared for me, cause if all this happens they don't know what would happen to me, I could be killed by some nut job they said. And that I should just hold off until things get better.
But I CAN'T.
Almost every single night for I don't know how long, I see how late it is, and get this excruciating stab of guilt and depression because I feel I completely wasted the day. Even the days I do get things done, go out with my family on Sundays, things like that. Those days are few, but even on the most jam packed day, I still feel as though I completely wasted the day because I didn't enjoy a single moment of it. I never find enjoyment in anything, not really, not true enjoyment, just a blip that goes away as quick as it came.
And now, now I face the prospect of spending every day of the next five years, at the least, it could be more depending on how long the next president takes to fix everything, if they even do, feeling as though I wasted every last one of them.
And I can't, I just can't go through that. The way I feel now, the idea of living this way another five or more years, I just won't be able to survive that, I know I won't.
But I don't know what to do, I can't talk about this with my family because they just don't understand. They can never understand no matter how hard I may try to explain it to them.
My sister is cis and straight, and she acts like I won't have it any worse then her under his presidency. That she'll have it just as bad and I'm just over exaggerating. But I will have it worse, and she just doesn't get that. She doesn't have to worry about being discriminated against, but she just won't listen. She won't accept it.
They act and believe like I can easily put this off, that I make just go okay I'll wait a few years, no problem. Like they could just get me on different anti depressants to help me make it through the day fine.
But I can't just go okay and wait, the thought is unbearable. I look at my reflection and it physically hurts me looking at myself with the knowledge that I may be stuck that way, the way I hate more then anything, for years more..
I see a therapist, they say continue going, hold off on anything else but still see her. But just like everything else that won't help.
I cannot stay this way for five more years, but I don't know what else I can do as they just won't ever understand how this feels...
I am just so scared and so hopeless and just.. I can't stay this way..

[Dena]

I suggest you stop looking at so much of the news as there are many rumors floating around that are not true. The truth is there will not be major changes just because the political winds have changed. Some things for you to consider.

Trump was a democrat a long time before becoming a republican. I am sure many of the values he held as a democrat will still be true today.

I transitioned starting in 1979 and have lived many years without the rules in place that came out of Obamas pen. In that time I never had one bit of difficult with the law or in life. Yes I didn't have job protection but the job I took in 1986 still sends me a check and they are very glad to have me. If nothing else, you will still get the protection your state and local officials provide and you will retain your rights as a person. You may not get special treatment but you will be protected if others attempt to assault you.

Last but not least, people are basically good. Yes there are a few people out there stirring up trouble but they exist on both end of the political spectrum. If anything, the conservatives may be more peaceable as you didn't see them on the streets protesting after either of Obama's elections. In the 37  years I have been presenting as female, I have never had a single person do so much as say a bad word toward me.

The biggest danger you face is fear when there is nothing to fear. Sure things may be a bit more difficult but it will be possible to transition and most of the time you will not be aware of the difference.

[Rachel]

I put a lot of people ahead of myself throughout my life. When I could no longer take the dysphoria I sought out help. That was almost 5 years ago. I needed to also think about myself.

[Reyes]

I suggest you stop looking at so much of the news as there are many rumors floating around that are not true. The truth is there will not be major changes just because the political winds have changed. Some things for you to consider.

Trump was a democrat a long time before becoming a republican. I am sure many of the values he held as a democrat will still be true today.

I transitioned starting in 1979 and have lived many years without the rules in place that came out of Obamas pen. In that time I never had one bit of difficult with the law or in life. Yes I didn't have job protection but the job I took in 1986 still sends me a check and they are very glad to have me. If nothing else, you will still get the protection your state and local officials provide and you will retain your rights as a person. You may not get special treatment but you will be protected if others attempt to assault you.

Last but not least, people are basically good. Yes there are a few people out there stirring up trouble but they exist on both end of the political spectrum. If anything, the conservatives may be more peaceable as you didn't see them on the streets protesting after either of Obama's elections. In the 37  years I have been presenting as female, I have never had a single person do so much as say a bad word toward me.

The biggest danger you face is fear when there is nothing to fear. Sure things may be a bit more difficult but it will be possible to transition and most of the time you will not be aware of the difference.

Thank you for this. The bottom three paragraphs really helped alot. :3

My father is still wary because of his worry for me, but I'm gonna go through with it no matter what. Hopefully by the time I actually start hormones in a few months or however long it'll be, he'll of accepted that while I am scared as well I'm not letting it stop me.

I still feel depressed, it comes on me in waves even right now, that won't go away even though I feel more positive, I don't know why. But I let fear hold me back for so long that now I can barely say anything to anyone with out basically having a panic attack. I don't want to be that way anymore.

[Dena]

Any progress you make in the transition will help you feel better about yourself. You need to think of the transition as many small steps and the more you take, the closer you are to your goal. The goals you have already reached are finding this site, coming out, seeing a therapist and you already have plans for HRT. Once in my life I was where you are and my transition didn't happen overnight. You are on your way and you should be proud of what you have accomplished so far.