There's just no good time to let your date know you're trans

[suzifrommd]

I've been speaking on the phone  for about a month with a woman I met through a dating site. It seemed like we clicked. She's really bright (PhD in Political Science), kind, and interesting. After a few long phone calls, I had been trying to work the fact that I'm trans into the conversation, but there never seemed to be the right time. She lives an hour and a half away, so getting together is difficult, but she volunteered to drive up to meet me for lunch.

During the meal she asked whether I had "carried" my two kids. I told her it wasn't me because I'm transgender and can't have kids. "I didn't know you were transgender," she said. "It's never came up before," I said and there was a long pause. After that, the conversation resumed and it seemed like everything was fine.

At the end of the lunch she suggested talking on the phone again sometime soon and I agreed, though she must not have meant it, because I never heard from her again. I sent her a few texts, none of which got answered. She totally ghosted away.

I don't know for a fact it was because of my gender history, but she seemed initially to enjoy my looks, so it's the most likely explanation. There certainly is a lot of transphobia among older lesbians (she's 49), so a definite possibility.

Why does it have to be so darn hard?!?

[Sophia Sage]

It's a lot easier if you aren't the one to bring it up.

[kanad3]

Personally I just say it upfront. I don't want to deal with anyone who may have bad thoughts about anything LGBT+, so it helps me weed out people I want to avoid as well.

[Devlyn]

Personally I just say it upfront. I don't want to deal with anyone who may have bad thoughts about anything LGBT+, so it helps me weed out people I want to avoid as well.

Ditto.

[Miss Clara]

Deciding when to disclose one's trans history to a date is tricky.  Do it too soon and the relationship may never get off the ground; wait too long and the time spent in the relationship could all be for not.  I personally believe that one should wait until signs of a bonding are taking place.  I think most people weigh the negatives against the positives in any relationship.  If being transgender is viewed as a negative, it's not the end of the world.  It depends on how deeply a person feels about it.  If you have other desirable qualities, your date may decide to overlook any reluctance she may feel about getting involved with a trans woman.  I say give her some time to do that.  But not too much time.

[Stephenie S]

I would have to agree with Clara, timing is everything.
Consider a different circumstance that I was once in.
I had a substance abuse issue many years ago. I had been in recovery for a few months when I met someone.
I waited a few weeks to say something because of exactly what Clara is saying about bonding.
My girlfriend was accepting because she had a chance to see that I had qualities she liked and admired.
She became my wife, we had a child, I stayed home as the parent which became another thing she liked and admired.
I came out to her as trans last year and we are still together and still love each other.
It can work if you keep trying.

[KathyLauren]

Do it too soon and the relationship may never get off the ground; wait too long and the time spent in the relationship could all be for not.

OK, I am probably not qualified to talk about dating, but this triggered this thought for me: "Do it too soon and the relationship may never get off the ground; wait too long and a relationship might get off the ground that never should have."

It just seems to me that it would be better to get the issue on the table and dealt with before it becomes a relationship.

[Kylo]

If I intended to date in the future - I don't - but if I did, I think I'd probably just try to find sites or venues in which trans people were a norm, or at least not a rarity, and could say right off the bat they are trans so there isn't this "big moment" when I'd have to give full disclosure to someone. I guess I'd rather just get it out of the way first. It could be quite expensive otherwise...

[Lily Rose]

Personally I just say it upfront. I don't want to deal with anyone who may have bad thoughts about anything LGBT+, so it helps me weed out people I want to avoid as well.

  on a dating site most certainly.

[Jean24]

I've had similar experiences. I've decided just to not tell people because that's my medical history and it's none of their business.


Society makes it this way and it honestly doesn't even matter that much even to people who profess that it does. For example: If it really mattered that much, they would be the ones asking up front... BUT THEY DON'T. Instead they expect you to be open pride themselves on their "Tradar" for stragglers.

[Raell]

Hmm..never thought of that. Of course, in my case, my "trans" part is mostly in my behavior and mind set.

But then, I also don't even know what gender to date, since I'm mostly asexual/demi-sexual. So, no attraction to anyone, really.

But if someone starts hanging around me a lot and I work with them, I sometimes casually mention I'm "more like a guy," in case that person is either getting hopes up for romance, or expects more femme behavior from me. But that's only if the person is a peer.

It's a moot point anyway since I'm currently living in Thailand and I seldom see any Caucasians, never mind anyone my age.

[Hikari]

I really don't know that there is a good time, for me, I just had everyone know before hand, but that cut down my available partners by a great deal it would seem, but i am lucky that I found someone I knew for many years who was interested in me.

[Ms Grace]

Personally I just say it upfront. I don't want to deal with anyone who may have bad thoughts about anything LGBT+, so it helps me weed out people I want to avoid as well.

This is my personal approach too.

Suzi, you did nothing wrong, it is terrible that we can be cast away like that...who knows her reasons, but short of her dropping off the face of the earth due to traumatic personal reasons it's not hard to connect the dots and presume it had something or everything to do with you being trans.

"I didn't know you were transgender," she said. "It's never came up before," I said and there was a long pause. After that, the conversation resumed and it seemed like everything was fine.

So I don't know if you are paraphrasing here or if that was essentially the length of the discussion, also like I said you did nothing wrong, this however is my take on the exchange as a woman and what I might like to know after any kind of personal reveal over a potential relationship interest... (Mind you, I don't know this woman, her thoughts, her triggers, her history, her feelings...so you may have additional insights)...

While you don't have to ever explain or justify yourself for being trans the point at which you did reveal that you were and she said "I didn't realise..." could have been an opportunity for you to tell her you had been hoping for an opportunity to bring it into the conversations earlier, that it had been hard to do so over the phone, that you felt you connected with her and liked her and the prospect of telling her on the phone and it meaning you never got to meet her or go further with the relationship seemed like a real possibility, especially taking past experiences into account.

I could go on, but I guess my point is - this woman's attitude to trans women and/or of being in a relationship with one notwithstanding - that you opening up to her about your feelings, hopes, reasons, whatever for it not coming up in conversation previously just maybe, possibly, might've helped draw her into your world on this. Or maybe not. Like I say you don't have to justify yourself... but rather than leaving the moment hanging it could have been an opportunity to explore the issues, about how they effect you and how she felt about them.

Or maybe I'm just talking through the painkillers and antibiotics I'm on.

Anyway, as always Suzi, I wish you all the best and hope you do find someone you can be with.

[Lady Sarah]

I am happy you mentioned "no good time to bring it up". It shows your intention to do so. I have only dated one guy that the opportunity never came up. When he decided we were not a good match, after just one date, I thought nothing of it. Most of the guys I dated never resulted in any second date. People can be fickle, hard to figure out, and almost impossible to figure out what they'll do next ... no matter what their gender.

[Mariah]

So true they can. I have only been in two relationships. The first I told early on about it and well it was clearly something he just couldn't get past in the long run. He kind of just disappeared. Not sure there is ever the best time, but I suppose early is better than later. If they truly care, they will stick around. The second one, which is with my fiancé now, new coming in so has been completely understanding and caring. In the end, there really isn't one right or wrong time to tell them because each is equally good and bad. This just means go for it when your comfortable doing so and tell them then. Hugs
Mariah

I am happy you mentioned "no good time to bring it up". It shows your intention to do so. I have only dated one guy that the opportunity never came up. When he decided we were not a good match, after just one date, I thought nothing of it. Most of the guys I dated never resulted in any second date. People can be fickle, hard to figure out, and almost impossible to figure out what they'll do next ... no matter what their gender.

[2cherry]

This surely has to be my greatest fear...

I think acceptance is extremely thin spread. I wish it wasn't so, but reality is, people are still shocked. And to be honest, I can't blame them... what we go through is something they will never understand. There will always be this unbridgeable gap, except for the few exceptions of kind and gentle souls who are sensitive enough to see through our issues, and go straight for the personality and identity. As cold hearted as it sounds, people don't expect to meet us. They are not ready. They are afraid. They don't want the drama. If they could choose: genetic female or trans. Which would you think the majority would choose? Just being real.

[Sophia Sage]

This surely has to be my greatest fear...

I think acceptance is extremely thin spread. I wish it wasn't so, but reality is, people are still shocked. And to be honest, I can't blame them... what we go through is something they will never understand. There will always be this unbridgeable gap, except for the few exceptions of kind and gentle souls who are sensitive enough to see through our issues, and go straight for the personality and identity.

Yes, there are kind and gentle souls, who are very accepting, and they are wonderful.  But acceptance is not the same as unadulterated female gendering.  To get the latter with an open narrative takes what I call a spiritual master, and they are very few and far between indeed. 

[Tessa James]

Hey Suzi,

Miss ya girlfriend but always happy to see your name on the screen.  While I wish this latest adventure were simply one of your well written essays, we can all too readily imagine the real doubt and pain of seeming rejection.  We can't know her thoughts but if that kernel of doubt grows so grows our pain?  I wish it was as easy as every cliche we know, lots of fish in the sea, you haven't met your soul mate yet.

In my dream world we all take the time to get to know one another and treat each other with kindness along the way.  In my dream world all romances work out and we are all compatible lovers too.  It takes a dream or better vision doesn't it?,  to keep those arms ready to reach out?

I can flirt, as you know, but i would not really want to seriously be dating.  That might be real tough for this fragile old fairy.

Your real beauty still shines,

Hugs